Original illustration: Miaomiaoxia, narrated by: Lanlan, female
01
As early as when I was in love with Feng Tao , I clearly said: "I don't like children. I'm likely not going to have children in my life."
At that time, he also said indifferently: "It doesn't matter, this kind of thing must be voluntary and let it go. The person I like is you, and it has nothing to do with whether to have children in the future."
Perhaps, this is also the reason why I chose Feng Tao.
He is the kind of mature man who is particularly serious about work and is content with life.
02
In 2010, we got married.
Until 2013, we didn’t have children for three years.
Both parents urged each other, and Feng Tao always explained: he was busy with work, and was not prepared for both financially and spiritually.
Once, I went back to my parents' home for dinner. Before I could eat, my mother started urging her baby again: "It's not me that I said you, the age difference between men and women is more than 20 years. In a few years, when you can't give birth, will Feng Tao still treat you as well as you are now? A marriage without children is not solid." My father, who is on the side of
, also kept approving.
That day, I finally yelled out my heart impatiently.
I asked my parents: "What are you doing when you are born? Are you like me? I hear you quarrel every day. Even though they don't have the courage to divorce each other, they still have to say it's for the sake of their children. I tell you that all my disgust and fear of having children comes from you."
After saying that, I slammed the door and left.
From then on, my parents never mentioned the word "giving birth" in front of me.
My outbreak also made my parents, who used to be particularly preaching in front of me, seem to be humble overnight.
Even when I asked me to go home for dinner, I became cautious: "I stewed my favorite soybean pig's trotters today. Do you have time to eat? If you are busy, forget it..."
03
Although I didn't mention this secret battle with Feng Tao and my parents.
But he still found clues from my relationship with my parents.
He did not teach me how to get along with my parents, but told me about his parents before going to bed every night.
When he was a student, he also fought tenaciously with his father during his adolescence, until one day, his father called him for help.
He was going through retirement procedures, but various complicated processes made him unable to deal with it. So he asked his son for help for the first time in his life: "Can you come and help me? I can scan the code at any time, I don't know."
Feng Tao once thought of defeating the strong and domineering father countless times.
But that day, when Feng Tao saw his father who had become weak and helpless overnight in the social security hall, he suddenly felt very sad.
"No matter what, we are all people who step on the shoulders of our parents to see the world. So, when we are lucky enough to stand on a high place, if we can understand and treat our parents' flaws and mistakes objectively, your heart will become spacious and strong."
04
and Feng Tao's narration also aroused my desire to talk.
From childhood to adulthood, in order not to become the fuse for parents to quarrel, I have been living hard and pleased.
"If it weren't for the child, I would have separated from you long ago." The words my parents said not only made me feel the situation of being as dangerous as I was, but also made me live in self-blame.
I always think that I am the source of their misfortune, and my existence itself is a sin.
Therefore, I hate myself and my children...
Every time I encounter a scene where parents scold their children in public in public, I will be anxious and even uneasy.I have never told anyone about these things.
When he first talked to Feng Tao, he listened quietly, patted my hand from time to time, touched my head, and said, "So it's not easy for you to grow up, it's not as happy and comfortable as I thought."
And these inner pains, being listened to is release and healing.
Feng Tao will not say anything comforting to me, but he will slowly repair me in life.
When we have disagreements in our daily lives and my voice is obviously octave higher, he will immediately stop: "Oh, I've made you angry again, my fault, my fault..."
includes every time I go back to my parents' house and they are quarreling over something, Feng Tao told me the way: "You have to put a switch in your heart. When they quarrel, you either leave or do your own thing, turn off the switch in your heart, and try not to be affected by them."
05
One Mid-Autumn Festival, I went back to my parents' house for dinner, and they started arguing about a trivial matter.
While arguing, my mother suddenly said, "If it weren't for Lanlan, I would have separated from you long ago." The sentence
instantly brought me back to that familiar state of grief, anger and self-blame.
And Feng Tao came over in time, hugged my shoulders, and said to my parents: "My parents, no matter how old Lanlan grows, they are still children in front of you. No child can get used to hearing parents' quarrels. It hurts her if you say this." After
, Feng Tao took me away from her parents' home.
On the road, he kept holding my hand tightly.
That day, I cried, but it was not grievance, but happiness.
In the pulse of his big hand, a surprising thought came from my heart: I want to have a child with the same bloodline as this man.
I want to work with this man to protect the growth of a life, to be gentle, to understand, and to be grateful.
06
So, I, who once said that I wanted to have children, regretted it.
I love Feng Tao, so much that I want to give birth to a child for him and form a family of three that belongs to us.
July 19, 2014, due to allergic to anesthetics, I gave birth to my daughter Momo in a caesarean section.
The entire labor process lasted more than 8 hours. When I was allergic to anesthetics, the doctor hoped that I could give birth to naturally.
However, because the child's head circumference is too large, and the fetal position is not very positive, and the childbirth failed in the end, so he could only pass the passage.
was cut open and sutured without anesthesia. The pain, even the doctor repeatedly said to me: "You can shout it out, it doesn't matter."
But my teeth were closed throughout the whole process, and the pain in my body was real, but my heart was always giving myself anesthetics: I focused all my attention to imagine the child's eyebrows and eyes, blindly guessing how tall he was, and his personality was like me or Feng Tao. When I first met, what tone should I call the name I had prepared for him: Momo, my Momo...
With a loud cry, my daughter Momo was born.
Doctor congratulated me and said to me: "You are so amazing. The next suture will hurt. If you bear it, it will be fine soon."
At that moment, I became a woman made of water. I was really in tears, not because of the pain, but because the joy of welcoming a safe birth of a life covered all the pain.
My dear child, if I had known that I would be so ecstatic to welcome you, why did I have to be with you for so many years!
Yes, I felt this way at that time, and I will never forget it.
07
After Momo was born, his parents volunteered to help me take care of my child.
My parents-in-law are old and in poor health, so I have no other choice.
But I had a vaccination with them in advance: You cannot quarrel in front of your children.
My parents agreed.
But to be honest, I don't have confidence in them.
When I grew up, my parents were super impatient and had big branches.
But I didn’t expect that when facing Momo, they were as delicate and gentle as if they had become a different person.
When I was a child, my mother would put me on the bed and let me cry until I had no strength.
However, Momo was born for 6 months and refused to sleep if he was not held in his arms.
So, parents took turns to hug each other, shaking inside and outside the house.
I said this will spoil the child.
But my mother said, "I checked it. Before the child was born, she had been living in amniotic fluid . After she came out, she would be very uncomfortable. So when she was sleeping, she would feel safe and have a solid sleep."
08
For Momo, parents, who have never been disdainful of various health sciences, began to wear reading glasses , and carefully followed the techniques in the parenting book to touch Momo.
also took the opportunity to popularize me: "Teeling more children can increase their sense of security, promote growth and development, and improve immunity..."
Every Saturday and Sunday, Feng Tao and I will ask our parents to go back to their homes to rest, and we will take care of our children.
But every time, they couldn't stay at home for a day, they hurried back: "I don't worry, I miss the child."
's attitude seemed to me and Feng Tao were stepmothers.
Since I had Momo, I realized that my parents also have such kind and learning-friendly side that makes me almost unfamiliar.
09
One night, when I got home from get off work, I found that the atmosphere at home was obviously wrong.
My dad, who usually doesn't go into the kitchen, actually picks and washes vegetables, and my mom plays with Momo to play with Hidden Cat.
When I came back, my mother's eyes were particularly dodging.
The atmosphere was very depressing.
I knew at that time that something must have happened.
Until at night, after Momo fell asleep, my mother called me to her and my dad's room.
Her eyes told me red, "During the day today, Momo almost scared."
It turned out that my dad was playing Landlord on his phone that morning, and the sound was a little loud.
My mother called him, but he didn't hear it.
When my mother walked over and called him, the sound was very loud, which scared my dad who was so involved.
Then, the two of them started arguing habitually.
Result, they became louder and louder, and they only remembered her existence until Momo was scared and cried loudly.
Speaking of this, my mother couldn't control her tears: "Your father and I just talked a little louder, but the child was so scared that he couldn't coax it anyway..."
At this time, my father said to me humbly: "You should look at Momo at night. If she doesn't sleep well, leave it to me and I will hold her to sleep."
10
After listening to my parents' words, when I thought of my daughter's panic, all my anger rushed towards my forehead.
I tried hard to lower my voice, but I gave my parents a clear ultimatum: "I grew up under the shadow of the two of you quarrel every day. I used to not want to get married and have children. So, I will never let Momo grow up like this too. If you still have to argue next time, then go back to your own home to argue, kid, I will hire someone to watch it!"
I knew I was a little impulsive when I said this.
In my impression, they are as strong as them, and they can't accept me talking to them with such a tough attitude no matter what.
But I also have my own bottom line.
No matter how wronged and helpless I was back then, I can tolerate it.
But now I am also a mother, and I will definitely not allow my daughter to be hurt like this.
11
However, facing my warning, my parents did not pack up and leave angrily as I imagined.
My dad looked out the window and said in his humble tone of his life: "Today Momo cried like that, which reminded your mom and I of your childhood. To be honest, we feel very guilty. Your mom and I have been arguing with you for the rest of our lives, saying whatever we say, and never considered how you feel. Lanlan, my mom is sorry for you."
My dad's "sorry" broke my defense.
I didn’t expect that one day in this life, I would hear an apology from my parents.
And my mother, when I was crying, she added a heart-wrenching sentence: "When I was born to you, your father and I were only 23 years old, I didn't know anything, I was young and energetic, and quarreled was commonplace, and sometimes I even vented my anger on my children... So, there is no such thing as a divorce. Now, we are asking Momo to not give the stars to the moon, but in fact we make up for all the guilt we felt back... Your father and I are stupid. We raised our daughter as pigs, and only then did our daughter know how to raise it according to books."
12
3 I don't remember what we said that day.
I only remember that as soon as I returned to the room, I hugged Momo who was sleeping soundly in my arms, wishing I could wake her up and tell her how grateful I am to her.
Her appearance repaired my relationship with my original family.
was also the moment when I hugged her tightly, my parents and I reconciled on the spot, and my heart, which had been bound like a rope, suddenly became liberated.
I became a mother myself, and finally I experienced the pain and courage of a mother who experienced the life gate.
Because of the child, I saw the limitations of my parents, and after my parents' reflection, I finally let go of my obsession with asking my parents to be perfect.
And if I hadn't been a mother, maybe it would be difficult for me to let go of it so realistically in my life.
13
Our relationship with our parents is our relationship with the world.
After I completed the reconciliation with my parents, I was raised again in the process of raising my children.
As my daughter grows up day by day, I gradually find that she really looks like me in my childhood.
is the kind of child who makes mistakes and would rather cry to death than apologize.
You are stubborn, she is even more stubborn than you.
So, every time my daughter was stubborn and made me angry halfway, Feng Tao would stand firmly on Momo's side with various words: "Dad understands your feelings" "Do you feel wronged? In fact, instead of a cold war, it's better to say it out loud. You must have your reason."
Feng Tao would say to her infinitely gentle when she failed the math exam and was called by the teacher to parents: "Dad knows that you think it's embarrassing to fail. It doesn't matter. You didn't mean to fail, and no one has the right to laugh at a person who has done his best."
includes her daughter, not a very sociable child.
I was very anxious, but Feng Tao took it lightly: "As long as it doesn't hinder others, she has the right to be an unsociable person. Instead of using time to please the whole world, it is better to focus on what he likes and think about it in another way. This is also a good thing."
So, he supported his daughter to go to the library to read books on weekends, and it took a day to see it.
supports her to run to the botanical garden and quietly observe ant , tadpole , watermelon worm ...
supports her and doesn't recognize many words, so she uses various ghost drawing talismans to start writing her "encyclopedia".
14
I envy Feng Tao's eyes flowing, the huge support and appreciation for his daughter.
includes her unpleasant personality. He would say from the bottom of his heart: "Actually, it's quite lonely to please the world. My daughter has her own world, and she doesn't need to please anyone to win anything."
Feng Tao's acceptance of whatever you look like, and to me, it is a silent education.
When he unconditionally supports his love for his daughter, I feel that I am also loved and happy.
My daughter looks very much like me when I was a child, but because she has a peaceful and self-consistent father, her growth is much happier than mine.
15
Why do people have children?
When my daughter was playing with ants alone for the whole morning, I found the answer in Feng Tao's gaze that he was willing to appreciate.
Because children are an extension of love.
Because there are only children, we will let go of our inner grievances and self-pity, learn to release love, and understand that there is really unconditional love in this world.
Because the process of a child's growth is actually an opportunity to repair oneself.
Every life comes with a bug. When we can accept the shortcomings of our children, we are actually tolerant of our imperfections with the world.
Because of the child, I, who was once nervous and stiff, stopped myself from internal friction and became relaxed and soft.
Because life is limited, but love will never end.
And children are the textbooks of love.
16
Just half a year ago, I found out that I was pregnant again.
This time, it was definitely an accident.
When I told Feng Tao this news, he asked me, "What was your first reaction when I knew this?"
I recalled it, "Surprise."
He said, "So too, I feel like I was selected by the angel again."
And I myself could not think of it. I used to swear not to have children, but now I am about to become a second child mother.
people will always change.
Thanks to my children, making me soft and relaxed, peaceful and self-consistent, and giving me the ability to love.
Rather than saying that I raised them, they gave me a chance to grow up again, allowing me who once complained about myself to learn to love and be loved.
They rebuild my relationship with this world.
So, Feng Tao and I happily welcomed the arrival of a new life again and issued ourselves a birth certificate.
Let's pray for a more lively and boiling day...
