Handle various social relationships in the family well
□ Every family has a difficult scripture to recite
"A marriage community is composed of a male master, a female master and two slaves. In the final analysis, it is composed of two people." This is the definition of marriage given by an American satirist named Ambrose at the end of the last century and the beginning of this century. The various mockeries made by Westerners on marriage only go so far.
Compared with the big Chinese family, the terms "marriage" and "family" in Westerners are too narrow in scope. The core of Chinese people's spirit is "family spirit". The couple is just a small family, and Compared with "family and world", our current sense of "family" can only be regarded as a small unit. In "A Dream of Red Mansions", it takes hundreds of characters to create a "home" atmosphere.
In such a "family" with a large number of people, the relationships between people become vast and complex. Someone once calculated that there are dozens of commonly used names for relatives in China. If you include those that have lost their use value, there are nearly a hundred.
With "family", of course there will also be requirements for the relationship between family members and the codes of conduct and moral norms that everyone should abide by, that is, family ethics, also known as family morality. The former is a Western formulation. The latter is a Chinese formulation. Confucianism calls the norms between people "human relations" and calls the five relationships between monarch and minister, father and son, husband and wife, brothers and friends the "five ethics". Among them, father and son are related, husband and wife are distinguished, elders and children are orderly, and the three ethics belong to the category of family ethics. In addition, Confucianism also proposed the "Three Cardinal Guidelines" and the "Five Constant Rules", which are unchangeable permanent principles and feudal moral creeds. The last two of the three cardinal principles also relate to the family: the father is the cardinal guide for the son, and the husband is the cardinal guide for the wife. In other words, a son must obey his father, and a wife must obey her husband. The "Five Constants" are also called the "Five Codes", which are father's righteousness, mother's kindness, brothers and friends, brother's respect, and son's filial piety.
The whole family ethics is an integral part of the society ethics . It also adjusts the behavioral norms and standards between people to solve practical moral problems in real families, including how to deal with the conflicts between people in the family. Relationship, the relationship between family and society, therefore, it is crucial whether a nation, country or society has perfect family ethics. It is impossible to imagine what a society where family relationships are disordered and each family member does their own thing is like.
The family ethics advocated by people for thousands of years have been proven to be obsolete by the new era. The famous writer Ba Jin described the whole process of the disintegration of a big family in "Home". However, the demise of the physical shell of "home" does not mean that the old family ethics will also die. The traditional spirit exists far longer in people's hearts than material things. We do not believe that traditional family ethics are fallacious and should not be promoted. In fact, China's humane "family" has always been envied by Westerners, but everything has its pros and cons. When a home is full of human touch, it will inevitably bring about many useless and troublesome interpersonal relationships. In the increasingly fast-paced new technological era, how to resolve and handle relationships with relatives, colleagues and friends has become a headache for couples.
□ Learn to say "no" to relatives
Chinese people are a little different from Westerners. They pay attention to courtesy and reciprocity, attach great importance to nostalgia and family affection, and like to move around each other. They think this is "human touch." In the West, people do not greet others without asking permission. It is neither polite nor welcome to stay at someone else's home when visiting someone else's home. However, in China, you can do this as long as you have some family ties and some anecdotes. If you refuse to entertain or entertain without enthusiasm, the other party will think that you have "forgot your roots" and do not show family affection. Therefore, if you want to maintain your independent life without offending your relatives and friends, it will take a lot of effort.
For example, after Mr. Yang and Ms. Fu got married, they were assigned a suite with one living room. Mr. Yang was from Hunan. Except for the Spring Festival, during the remaining ten months of the year, there is always a constant flow of people in the family. Uncles, uncles, uncles, aunts, and aunts take turns coming to Hainan to travel or work, and their new residences become single dormitories. . The men slept in the halls and corridors, while the women crowded in the bedrooms and enclosed balconies. Mr. Sheep wrote letters to his hometown with a low face several times to complain.However, the people in my hometown still came happily and stayed there with smiles. It disturbed their peace from the beginning of their marriage.
Later, Ms. Fu couldn't bear it anymore and lost her temper at Mr. Yang. "Should I marry you or everyone in your family?" A family conflict broke out. Fortunately, Fu just stopped the fuss for a while, and the two got back to work, and Mr. Sheep took it seriously. He writes sincerely to his friends back home, asking them not to just write a note and have his neighbor or neighbor's neighbor, friend or friend of friend come to him. Of course, people with Hunan accents occasionally came to our door after that. Ms. Fu took them to guest houses or hotels one by one, and they finally lived the life they wanted.
Mr. Chen, another man who had the same experience as them, is a bit wiser. When he and his wife know that relatives or fellow villagers are coming, they always first ask about the date of the arrival, where they will live, how they will eat and how they will play, and then tell them when they are busy and when they are free, and they earnestly arrange to meet. They not only handle the co-species relationship well, but also maintain the integrity of their own lives.
Comparing the above two examples, we can see that whether you have good interpersonal skills will bring two completely different results. To handle these matters well, you need to speak and act appropriately, be calm, and look sincere. Only in this way will you not make things that are reasonable for you become reasonable for the other party. People are reasonable. As long as you are reasonable, no one will blame you excessively.
□ Eight Principles of Interpersonal Communication
Interpersonal relationships are the most common things. Everyone knows it, regardless of age. Even though not everyone can go to the podium, give speeches, post comments, or write articles, knowing a general idea is certain. However, history and reality tell us that the more obvious and ubiquitous things in the world are, the more difficult they are to grasp and understand.
Relevant psychologists have carefully analyzed interpersonal relationships and classified them into nine types: interpersonal economic relationships, interpersonal faith relationships, interpersonal professional relationships, interpersonal kinship relationships , interpersonal political relationships, interpersonal moral relationships, and interpersonal legal relationships , interpersonal cultural relations and interpersonal relationships under special circumstances. Except for the latter, the first eight types of relationships often occur within daily families and between families and society.
In the above nine types of interpersonal relationships, it is emphasized that interpersonal communication skills must have general standards, that is, basic principles. According to the classification of relevant scholars, it is listed as 8 basic standards.
(1) Civilization standards
Civilization is a sign of the times and a reflection of character and temperament. It will undoubtedly be much more difficult for an unreasonable, arrogant, and abusive person to successfully achieve the purpose of interpersonal communication than for a person who is polite, gentle, and respectful.
(2) Custom standards
All ethnic groups and countries in the world have cultural backgrounds that are different from other countries. Misunderstandings often occur when people with different customs interact with each other. If you cannot understand each other's customs and habits, you cannot handle interpersonal relationships well. Chiang Kai-shek and his wife once entertained a foreign envoy. The envoy praised: "Your lady is so beautiful!" Chiang Kai-shek humbly said: "Where, where!" This sentence was translated word by word by the translator. The envoy was stunned and could only say: "Beautiful eyebrows... Beautiful mouth, beautiful nose, beautiful skin... Everything is beautiful everywhere!" This is the barrier to interpersonal communication caused by not understanding the other party's customs. Within it, customs are Rules, and those who break them will inevitably cause tension and conflict in interpersonal relationships. Externally, respect for customs is respect for their culture and personality. Therefore, we must treat each other with courtesy and act with caution.
(3) Specification standard
specification is the behavioral requirements and standardization of object relationships. In layman's terms, specification is a behavioral pattern and a kind of etiquette. If you violate the rules, you are being disrespectful. In our society, society has prescribed certain etiquette and norms for us. If we do not follow these rules when dealing with others, we will be criticized as "not polite".
(4) Benefit standard
Benefit standard is divided into many types. It mainly means that your interpersonal communication must achieve a certain benefit, otherwise it will be idle chatting, nonsense, rumors, and gossip. For example, "emotional benefits",
the communication between you and your partner needs to help both parties communicate and understand. Rather than widening the "horizontal ditch".
(5) The emotional standard
emotional standard can be divided into three levels. Protecting emotions and deepening emotions are the first level. Venting emotions and mediating emotions are the second level, and changing emotions from vulgar to elegant is the third level. There is a difference between the "elegance" here and the "elegance" of the literati. The "elegance" here is only for those "vulgar" people who take pleasure in vulgar jokes, love to curse when talking, and feel unable to express their emotions without swearing. And speaking of which, we do not advocate the cliched "elegance" of emotional exchanges such as poetry, calligraphy, music, painting, romantic affairs, but we believe that healthy and positive emotional exchanges should be promoted.
(6) Natural standard
Natural standard means to eliminate pretense in interpersonal communication and speak and behave naturally. This is a sign of strong interpersonal skills. A person who behaves in a natural and charming manner is very popular with others and can easily achieve his communication goals.
(7) Standards of communication
The ancients said: "Those who love others will always be loved by others; those who respect others will always be respected by others." Only those who respect others can be respected by others. Under normal circumstances, we only like people who like us, and for people who are alienated or disgusted with us, our reaction is disgust and alienation.
Social psychologists have done research. They arranged for people who did not know each other to participate in a series of experiments, allowing them to have a series of interactions. After each interaction, the experiment arranged for an experimenter (actually the researcher's assistant) to Evaluate another college student and deliberately arrange for the evaluee to happen to hear the evaluation of himself. There are two types of evaluations. One is to praise and say that you like the collaborator who participated in the experiment together; the other is to complain and say that you don't like that collaborator. As a result, when the experimenter asked the people being evaluated to choose their partners in the next stage, those who received praise and love chose the original partners, while those who received complaints and rejections all rejected the original partners.
(8) Self-worth protection standard
A large number of psychological studies have proven that any person has obvious characteristics in all aspects of his or her psychological activities, from the selection of perceptual information to the processing of internal information, from the interpretation of behavior to interpersonal communication. self-worth protection tendency.
In terms of perception, we may all experience it. In the past few years, the Chinese men's football team has suffered repeated defeats. When we see it, we always feel that the referees are unfair to the Chinese team. In turn, the same is true for the fans on the other side. In fact, it is impossible for every referee to criticize China. Our What is absorbed cognitively is filtered through our self-awareness. Therefore, it is no longer the true face of the objective world. Our perceptions are self-supporting, causing us to pay attention to the opponent's fouls but not our own.
Psychology research shows that if we want to establish and maintain good interpersonal relationships with others, we must support others' sense of self-worth. People’s defensive tendencies to protect their self-worth must be avoided. Once we threaten others' sense of self-worth in interpersonal interactions, it will arouse others' strong self-worth protection motivation and cause others to have strong negative emotions towards us. This can make or break our ability to build and maintain good relationships with others.
□ Correctly handle the conflict between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law In family relationships, mother-in-law and daughter-in-law have always been contradictory opposites. Some people joke that the five thousand years of Chinese women's history are the "thousand-year holy war" between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. There are many interesting etiquettes about mother-in-law and daughter-in-law in the folk customs of the Ming and Qing dynasties. For example, when her son marries his wife, the mother-in-law will always tie two "iron bats" on the eaves and put a broom or pestle behind the door. It means that the daughter-in-law will "obey" her mother-in-law when she comes to the house and will be diligent in housework.However, the daughter-in-law is not a fuel-efficient lamp. Before she gets on the sedan chair, she will tie a corrugated jade ornament and step on the threshold when she gets off the sedan chair and enters the door. It is said that this can restrain the mother-in-law's behavior.
No matter what, to this day, the issue of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is still a very important conflict. In addition to historical reasons, there are also psychological reasons:
(1) Mother-in-law's "resistance to change". Before the daughter-in-law comes to visit, the son and the mother are emotionally attached to the mother. Coupled with the blood relationship, the two sides have a tacit psychological understanding that is difficult for outsiders to intervene. But once the daughter-in-law comes to the house, the son's thoughts and emotional communication objects will shift more to his wife. In this way, the mother who has been looking forward to her son getting married before marriage will consciously or unconsciously have a "sense of loss" and think that the son she raised was suddenly taken away by her daughter-in-law. Therefore, it is inevitable that the daughter-in-law will be suspicious of her, and it will be difficult for the daughter-in-law to realize the changes in her mother-in-law's mind when she first comes to the house. In this way, conflicts will arise between the two parties.
(2) Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law expect too much from each other’s roles. In real life, people often have their own roles and expectations, and expectations are inevitably high because they are not attached to reality. In this way, the difference in realistic expectations will cause psychological disappointment and unhappiness. Mother-in-laws often demand their daughters-in-law based on similar standards of ", three obediences, and four virtues " in the past. However, today's daughter-in-laws will never be as obedient as the previous daughters-in-law. Obey, accept the consequences. As for the daughter-in-law, she sometimes measures and demands her mother-in-law according to the mother's standards, and some even regard her as a nanny. These unrealistic expectations and demands will inevitably cause discord between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.
(3) Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law lack spiritual communication. There are differences in time and value orientation in the communication between the two parties. In terms of time, it takes a long time for the two parties to communicate mentally and emotionally, but their conflicts will not wait for such a long time at all. Moreover, as two generations, they both have different value orientations and thinking from each other, making it difficult to reach an understanding. For example, the mother-in-law generation is mostly a conservative supporter of feudal ethics, while the daughter-in-law generation is a person with new ideas and new morals. It is not easy to bridge this "generation gap".
Generally speaking, the more the family is an only child, the more the married daughter-in-law has to have a good relationship with her mother-in-law. This is an important factor in whether the married life is harmonious or not.
□ Improve the relationship between sisters-in-law
Throughout the ages, apart from mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, the troubled area in family relationships is the relationship between sisters-in-law. With the implementation of family planning , the breakdown of extended families and the development of social economy. The sister-in-law relationship in family relationships in our country has been weakened or non-existent. But it remained a fraught family relationship for decades to come.
Sister-in-law relationship Conflicts mainly occur in areas where the family is the economic unit. They all come together from different families. They lack mutual understanding, common habits and deep emotional foundation. In the new environment, In the family, they may share housework together, or have economic interests with each other. They are exposed to many trivial matters in life, and everyone is very careful. They are afraid that their status and reputation in the family are not as good as others, so they are prone to disputes and calculations. This is not as good as handling the relationship between brothers-in-law. Handling the interpersonal relationship between brothers-in-law must be consistent with the laws and characteristics of relatives:
(1) Politeness, humility, mutual understanding and respect
Reckless people will think that relatives, a family, are not polite. Politeness doesn't matter. In fact, this is a huge misconception. This is especially true for sisters-in-law. In addition to referring to sisters-in-law, the mutual understanding and respect here also includes brothers. Brothers should not be as casual as they used to be when they were single. It should be taken into consideration that both parties already have wives and children, and should be treated with courtesy and respect. And they should each do more work as wives to cultivate the relationship between them.
(2) Emotional communication, mutual assistance and negotiation
Since the sisters-in-law come together from different families and do not understand each other, it is extremely important for both parties to have emotional exchanges and communicate with each other to promote understanding and affection between the two parties. As a husband, Their brothers should actively create opportunities for them.Any major situation or need in the family should be discussed and resolved together. Do not make decisions on your own to cause family disputes.
(3) Be broad-minded and have no selfish thoughts.
The sisters-in-law come from different families. It is inevitable that there will be various differences, such as cultural differences, behavioral habits, etc. If there are differences, conflicts will easily arise. Moreover, both parties are in the same home and have a lot of interactions, so it is inevitable that there will be some small misunderstandings, small mistakes, small angers and small conflicts. Once a conflict occurs, it is difficult for family members alone to resolve it, especially not completely. "To untie the bell, you still need the one who tied it." The best way is to have a high profile, understand the other party, and reconcile with the other party.
Brothers and sisters-in-law should also be wary of selfishness. They should consider the overall situation and be polite in everything they do. They should be less suspicious and careless. They should strive to be sisters-in-law, sisters and comrades, treat each other in a friendly manner, and build a harmonious family together.
□ Improve the relationship between father-in-law and son-in-law
Improve the relationship between father-in-law and son-in-law, just like the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, they are both important links in strengthening the relationship between husband and wife.
As the saying goes: Mother-in-law loves her uncle. Generally speaking, the relationship between father-in-law, mother-in-law and son-in-law is very good. Most conflicts may arise because of their daughters. Some father-in-laws and mothers-in-law like their sons-in-law to honor them, but do not want their daughters to honor their parents-in-law. Once there is a conflict between the daughter and her parents-in-law, they not only fail to actively persuade them, but instead add fuel to the fire and call the daughter back to her parents' home to threaten the son-in-law. This approach is very harmful. After a lot of trouble, they often end up It will bring about tragic consequences that they did not want to see.
Therefore, from the perspective of a son-in-law, a son-in-law should treat his parents-in-law as his parents instead of coveting or hoping for anything. He should understand the feelings of his parents-in-law towards his wife, and provide convenience and create conditions for their reunion from time to time. In fact, the most touching behavior of a husband to his wife is his filial piety and respect for her own parents, and from the perspective of parents-in-law. Daughters should always be taught to respect their parents-in-law. When a dispute occurs between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, don't blindly take sides. If the daughter is in the wrong, mediate calmly so that big things can be reduced to trivial matters and trivial matters can be reduced to nothing, thus enhancing the harmony and unity of the daughter's family.
The relationships between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, sisters-in-law, and father-in-law and son-in-law mentioned above are all three types of interpersonal kinship relationships. In addition, there are also relationships between parents and children. These are far away from this book, so they will not be discussed in detail.
□ How to Treat Your Spouse’s Friends, Colleagues and Leaders
The development of social division of labor is increasingly weakening the family’s economic unit ties. Family socialization is the development trend of families in today’s society. The communication between husband and wife is also getting wider and wider. How to treat each other's leaders, colleagues and friends requires certain skills.
Sometimes, the husband’s boss or colleagues come to visit for business, or the husband and he meet on the road together and the wife is not familiar with them. What should be done appropriately? Generally speaking, it should be:
(1) Don't be indifferent because you are not familiar with them. You should greet them politely and take care of them appropriately. You should be more enthusiastic towards the ladies among them.
(2) When your husband is talking to them, you should sit upright, listen carefully, and insert a sentence or two when appropriate, but do not say derogatory words to your husband in front of everyone.
(3) Don't rush to express yourself and reject your husband during the conversation. Even if she is favored by her husband's colleagues, she will still be disgusted by her husband. (4) Don’t easily ask your husband’s colleagues to help with certain things, and don’t rashly make certain requests to your husband’s boss for your husband or the family.
(5) If you find your husband's disrespectful behavior and language, you must seriously show your appropriate disgust.
Sometimes, you get together with your wife’s boss, colleagues or friends because of something, and you don’t know them well. What should you do?
(1) Warmly and sincerely express welcome or pleasure. If conditions permit, you can entertain them generously.
(2) Express concern and interest in the work of his wife’s department. I expressed my willingness to help them with their difficulties and expressed my gratitude to everyone for taking care of my wife on weekdays.
(3) Don’t ask your wife about her performance at work every chance you get.
(4) Do not show excessive enthusiasm towards your wife’s female colleagues, girlfriends and female leaders. You should maintain a certain attitude and do not make inappropriate jokes.
□ Pay attention to good neighborhood relations
Neighborhood relations are a complex social relationship, especially in China, which values human relations. Although since the reform and opening up, as more and more families live in high-rise buildings, neighbor relations have become alienated. Although there are no signs, neighborhood relations are still very important in most regions. As we live in this world, we inevitably have contact and communication with society, and neighborhood relations are undoubtedly the place where we have the most direct contact and communication.
According to the analysis of relevant sociologists, my country's neighborhood relations have the following four characteristics:
(1) Concentration of space
Due to historical reasons, social consciousness and their living habits, they cannot often be like some countries and tribes. Mobile living, coupled with China's large population, has brought large numbers of people together in a small location.
(2) The persistence of time
Although the pace of modern life is getting faster and faster, the time for people to contact and communicate with their neighbors has obviously decreased, but people still have a lot of time to contact their neighbors every day, which shows the connection and Continuity of communication.
(3) Frequency of communication The continuity of communication and contact will produce the frequency of communication.
(4) The complexity of membership
Compared with the hierarchical and corporate residential areas in the West, the composition of neighborhood relationships in my country is relatively complex. In the same region, there are differences in occupation, family, place of origin, ideology, age, gender, etc. In terms of occupation alone, there are employees, teachers, party and government cadres, etc. This constitutes the complexity and diversity of relationships among neighborhood members.
Precisely because neighborhood relations have the above four characteristics, it is inevitable that contradictions and conflicts of one kind or another will occur in neighborhood relations. So we should pay attention to the following issues:
(1) Equality and mutual benefit. When interacting in the neighborhood, don't be self-righteous and look down on others. It should be understood that each of us has an independent personality, human dignity and legal rights and obligations, and the relationship between people is an equal relationship. The so-called mutual benefit means that both parties in the relationship should bring benefits and benefits to each other. When neighbors are in difficulty, they should care and help wholeheartedly. You should remember that "if you help others when they are in trouble, others will give you a helping hand in the future."
(2) You should be considerate of others in the trivial matters of life. For example, in the dead of night, you cannot sing loudly and affect other people's rest. Another example is
