What would you do if you suffered a major setback in your relationship, were under great pressure at work, or felt confused about where to go in life?
Hope to live
Find someone to talk to. Yes, you probably vented to your friends or family. They usually say: "Your boyfriend is a scumbag. It's not a pity to break up. You will meet someone better!" Or: "Your boss is an idiot. Such a person should not be a leader!" Or: "Whose?" Life is not confusing, everyone is the same, just go through this period! "
You may feel better after hearing this, but it will not help solve the problem.
A psychotherapist in her forties is a single working mother. She suffered from a lovelorn. Her body developed various symptoms that could not be explained by examination, and her life situation dropped to a freezing point. Her solution was to find someone to talk to, but this person was a psychotherapist.
" Maybe you should find someone to talk to " is a memoir of a psychotherapist, telling the story that happened in the consulting room.
author Lori Gottlieb was a screenwriter in Hollywood. For a period of time, in order to collect materials, Loli often followed emergency doctors to the hospital to experience life. She became more and more interested in everything that happened here.
When she saw a patient with necrotic stumps and necrotic limbs lying on the hospital bed exuding a foul smell, she almost vomited, but the patient calmly held her hand and comforted her and said, "It's okay." At that moment, she experienced a shock that she had never experienced in any job in Hollywood.
This completely changed Loli's career trajectory. She decided to study medicine and give up her favorite screenwriting job. She hoped that " her own world would be filled with real life and real people " rather than what she saw with her own eyes. The story is "stuffed into the TV series".
In fact, we should be lucky to have such a psychotherapist who was once a Hollywood screenwriter, because this book is so attractive, like reading a novel, but the theory, technology and professional values of psychological counseling are all there The story is woven bit by bit, like a blanket woven with threads of various colors. We see the whole picture, and at the same time we can feel the uniqueness of each thread.
It is precisely because of Loli's superb writing skills that this book has been listed in " New York Times ", " Times" ", " characters ", "Variety Show" and other media's 2019 must-read lists. It is the top 10 best-selling books of the year in the United States Amazon , Harvard Business School annual recommended book, and its audiobook version was also Audible that year. No. 1 nonfiction audiobook. In the two years since its publication, it has been authorized in more than 40 languages around the world, with a total sales volume of more than 700,000 copies, and is currently being filmed for a TV series.
Find someone to talk to
Look, the former Hollywood screenwriter contributed a wonderful story to Hollywood.
Owen Yalom, a world-renowned master of psychology and lifelong honorary professor of psychiatry at Stanford University in the United States, , commented on this book: " I have been reading books on psychotherapy for more than half a century, but I have never seen anything like this. 's book: so bold, so explicit, so full of great stories, and so profound and compelling."
In the book, we will see the stories of four visitors: a Hollywood producer in his forties, who has a successful career, is self-righteous and thinks everyone around him is a fool. John; A female university teacher in her thirties who was newly married but was diagnosed with a terminal illness and whose time is running out. Julie; A sixty-nine-year-old who has been divorced three times and feels lonely and desperate. An old lady who claims that she will commit suicide on her 70th birthday if her life gets worse Rita ; a girl in her twenties who has family trauma and alcoholism problems and is frequently frustrated in love Charlotte. At the same time, there is a fifth person seeking help in the book, and that is the therapist himself
We always feel that the psychotherapist has the answers to all the questions, like a god overlooking the pain. We who are struggling, we look forward to walking into the clinic to get specific answers and leave with satisfaction.
But Lori tells you that psychotherapists are not gods. Not only are they not, but they are not more intelligent and psychic than ordinary people. I can't just meet you once or twice and tell you what your future will be like like a fortune teller. No matter what, it is even less possible for you to reduce work pressure, get your boyfriend back, and cure terminal illness.
When Luoli consults her clients, she has excellent professional qualities and the greatest compassion for people. However, many She was also confused by the problems, such as facing John's pain of losing his son. Julie has repeatedly suffered from terminal illness, such as Rita's refusal to let go of her past mistakes and always living in guilt. Lori's powerlessness often comes uninvited.
Similarly, as a psychotherapist, she can't help herself either. To untie her heart knot, her boyfriend's sudden departure made her almost collapse. When she compulsively searched for her boyfriend's news on the Internet over and over again, she, like many visitors, refused to look forward. " There is nothing more desirable than being freed from pain, and there is nothing more desirable than letting go of dependence. It's scary . ”
People who are trapped in pain are relying on the past that cannot be changed, the past losses and the selves immersed in it. They refuse to leave. Although it is frustration, disappointment and sadness, they still rely on it because this is what is familiar. self.
Lori shows the process of psychotherapy from the dual perspectives of therapist and client, allowing us to discover that: no matter how different their identities and backgrounds are, the pain faced by human beings is common - freedom, responsibility, death Death and the meaning of life, these are the ultimate questions of life raised by Owen Yaron
Listen to comfort and find someone to talk about
Loli's story, the stories of those visitors are all there. Tell us one thing - pain cannot be avoided, it can only be acknowledged. This is where psychotherapy is powerless, but it is a fact.
As psychotherapist Li Songwei said in the preface: " Although it is powerless, we have to admit the reality. . Indulging in the fantasy of 'no pain' and denying pain sometimes lead to greater troubles . "
After understanding this truth of life, the psychotherapist will have a clearer understanding of the recurring pain, but she also needs to let the client understand this truth. The only way to do this is to be honest. Treat each other.
Loli did not hide her emotional reaction to the visitor and showed appropriate empathy , but the dilemma she faced was also hidden in the visitor's story.On the surface, she was depressed because her boyfriend left, but in fact, she was afraid of aging. She was worried that if she missed this relationship, she would miss the "last train" to find a partner in this life. This is the same as 69-year-old Rita's "face to face" brought about by aging. The fear of "this life is over" is exactly the same.
In front of her therapist Wendell, Loli repeatedly talked about her various anxieties - her boyfriend leaving, a contracted book manuscript that would face breach of contract compensation if she did not write it, and a disease that could not be diagnosed after being examined by all departments. Regarding her illness, no matter how Wendell guided her, she was unwilling to delve deeper into her deeper fears and always stayed on specific issues. This was just like John avoiding others and avoiding himself to explore the dark corners of his heart.
's panic and worry when facing her unexplained illness are exactly the same theme that Julie, who has only a few days left to face, is facing the same theme - the fear of death.
The pain is peeled off layer by layer in the diagnosis and treatment room. It may take a long time, but there is always someone here to accompany you into the darkness. The fear and silent crying in your heart are silently being seen, cared for, and loved. comfort.
As Li Songwei said: The meaning of telling is the telling itself. When pain can be spoken, people can gain the most basic courage to see, feel, and trust. Talking allows us to accept ourselves, our pain, and our futile attempts to escape it.
But the process described is also full of mysteries.
Lori writes for the Atlantic Monthly. Her “Dear Therapist” column is very popular among readers, and her TED talk was one of the top ten most played talks in 2019.
Because of her column, she often received many letters from readers. In her speech, Loli told a letter from a female reader: Her husband was becoming less and less intimate with her, and she found that her husband often gave her sex in another room late at night. A female colleague called and she searched online for this female colleague. She was very beautiful. This woman felt very painful. Her father cheated on her when she was very young and abandoned her mother and daughter. She grew up in a family without father's love.
If she maintains the marriage, she will no longer be able to trust her husband. If she divorces, she does not want her children to grow up in a single-parent family. What should she do?
As a psychotherapist, Loli knows that when readers or visitors narrate their own stories, it is a filtered and processed story. Because the same thing, different parties may tell it as completely different things. .
So, she read a letter from a man: Over the past two years, the relationship between this man and his wife has become worse and worse. He feels that his wife hates him very much.
His father died two years ago. He and his father had a very close relationship. He was very sad, but his wife's father left her when she was very young, so she could not empathize with her husband's sadness. A female colleague of this man also lost his father a few months ago. They can understand and comfort each other, so the two often talk on the phone, but he hopes that his wife can also talk to him like this female colleague. .
This man may happen to be this woman's husband. Different people narrating the same thing from their own perspectives end up being like two stories. The story you tell determines the life you believe you will have.
When faced with a client who has been lingering and refusing to change, Lori will say, “We are all mortal."Huh? What does this have to do with changing the status quo? Because we are all going to die, so why not turn your edited life story into what you want . After all, life is a subjective experience and no one can replace you. Write your story, but as the protagonist of your story, you can choose to be brilliant or bleak.
When everyone in the book realized that their pain was not shameful, they began to re-edit their life stories.
John faced the pain of losing his son, allowed himself to miss his son, and allowed himself to discuss his son with his wife. He finally Remove the heavy burden and move forward.
Zhu. In the last stage of her life, Li actively prepared for her death, accepted death, accepted this unfair fate, and left with love.
Rita wrote a letter to her four children, expressing her guilt and not expecting forgiveness, but. But it was her own salvation.
Charlotte decided not to drink alcohol anymore, stop messing around with scumbags, and start her own life. On the right track.
When you are stuck on a problem, think about Julie's words, "We are all mortal", and then take out your own editing tools and write your own masterpiece of life.
About the author:
Mo Cen, An office worker in the imperial capital, he loves to read without asking for explanations, to amuse himself by typing, and to paint every day. While looking up at the stars, he spends his time writing poetry, while his right hand is struggling, growing stubbornly in the gap between ideal and reality.
