I feel like I can’t go on with my girlfriend because our values are not the same. I want to improve my relationship so we can get together, but every time I prepare to explain it clearly to her, she says she is depressed and wants to kill her... What should I do? manage? ...
I have been dating my boyfriend for half a year. I can't find him often recently. He never discloses our relationship to the public... I feel very uneasy...
I never thought about how many ups and downs we have gone through on our wedding anniversary, but one day we will be together. I will find out that my husband is having an affair...
I have been married to my wife for seven years and have two children. As the children grew older, they needed more space, so they moved to a different house. Because I am the main breadwinner of the family, my wife wanted me to change to a job with a higher salary. I just changed jobs recently and the pressure is relatively high, so I joined the company on a temporary basis. Working overtime and working overtime until early in the morning are also common... After returning home one day, my wife suddenly told me that she hoped that I could spend more time with my children and spend more time with my family... But, at the beginning, it was She wants me to have more income in exchange, and now she complains that I don’t have time to spend with them...
A brief discussion on trauma and healing in partnership
The above-mentioned familiar situations or more partnership issues in the name of love, often In stories that happen in or around people we don’t know or may be, the people involved in them are often the most struggling, because we feel the beauty in first love, but feel the hurt in love. Many people are puzzled by the fact that the starting point was obviously love in the beginning, but why did it seem to change its tone in the end and lead to hurt and sadness in the relationship?
In fact, partnership is always in a state of constant change and balance. As people experience various role changes in life, there will gradually be interaction patterns that need to be adjusted and changed. To talk about the healing of a partnership, we must first understand the possible types of trauma in the partnership, which can be roughly divided into the following two types:
Childhood trauma in the family of origin
The attachment relationship gradually shaped from birth to growth experience (mainly The caregiver-infant relationship) is our earliest prototype of the relationship model. The relationships and emotional experiences we observe during our growth experience will affect how we interpret and understand whether the world is safe, whether we can feel love, and what the type of love is.
The current life tests we are facing
Natural disasters, accidents, stress, illness, medical care, family members...
As mentioned earlier, partnership is not always static. It is often dynamic and will change at any time. There are changes and adjustments as time and life experience stages change. The relationship that seems to be interactive, balanced and stable now will become a crisis or a part to be adjusted as various life-testing events occur, and we will face situations where we have to or need to make choices.
These tend to accumulate and cause trauma in old and new relationships; the most representative example currently is the impact of crises in medical, economic, family, work, etc. caused by the spread of the new coronavirus.
If you want to heal the wounds in your partnership, the first step is to heal yourself, understand and accept the possible sources of your own trauma, first settle and take care of your own heart, how to care for and accept yourself, and heal yourself. Only by healing yourself can you have the opportunity and space to think and discover the breaking points of relationship conflicts, and make rational adjustments and improvements; only by looking directly at your own fears and traumas can you have the opportunity to usher in a new beginning.
From trauma to healing, it is often a long process. Regarding the past, learn to understand anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, chaotic attachment, secure attachment, etc., and learn about the attachment types and possible consequences through online inquiries or professional consultation. By learning and accepting the impact of healing past traumatic experiences, you will have the opportunity to adjust the original relationship interaction model and allow the partnership to move towards new opportunities. Regarding the current various external environmental tests, you also need to stabilize your mind first and not be easily affected by external chaotic information and events. Try to practice spending some time alone with yourself, doing sports, reading, watching dramas, hobbies... ...and so on. After relieving the pressure, you have the opportunity to think and make good judgments about various information and emergencies.
If you have difficulty healing and accompanying yourself, it is highly recommended to seek appropriate talk from family, friends, colleagues, etc. to relieve anxiety and control emotions, or find a suitable psychological counselor to accompany you through the trauma and heal at the same time.
It is very easy to apply medicine when the body is injured. Similarly, injuries also need to be better healed and accompanied. Being injured is not scary. What is most scary is being injured but ignoring the need for treatment and opening up the heart. In the long run, this will cause extreme dangers and regrets, such as depression, murder, etc. I hope that every couple in a relationship will have the opportunity to heal the trauma in the relationship as soon as possible and spend the long years with each other peacefully.
