I am 44 years old, and in the past two years I have always thought of divorce. Because I feel particularly disappointed with my lover and marriage. Before marriage, I discovered that he behaved like a child. I thought he would mature slowly, but after waiting for 20 years, he was still the same, leaving me full of scars.
Talker: Jun Zhu (pseudonym)
Age: 44 years old
Occupation: clerk
(1)
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Compared with those extremely unfortunate marriages, my marriage should be considered a little better. He didn't make too many mistakes and didn't do anything particularly sorry for the family. But there are things that others can't see. The trivial contradictions are like a blunt knife, slowly cutting off my love for him and my passion for marriage.
I remember that in the first few years of his marriage, his work has not improved. After having a child, he went to another city. I was very happy, thinking that he started to work hard, we are about to start living another kind of life.
In the few years I was apart, I took on all the responsibilities of the family, taking care of the children, working to earn money, nothing needs him to worry about, and I am full of hope for the future.
In the beginning, when he had just left home, he would call me every night to ask about the warmth and talk about his longings. This made me feel very happy. No matter how painful and tired, I feel worth it. waits for his call to become a necessary process every night, after which I will enter my sweet dreamland with great psychological satisfaction.
(two)
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One night, it was eleven o'clock at night, and he hadn't waited for his call. I'm worried,Just hit it. As a result, a woman's voice came. I subconsciously asked who the other party was, but the phone hung up.
He picked up the call again, and I drank too much when I heard it, and I couldn't speak well. The sound around was very noisy, he said it was in the karaoke hall. I asked him who the woman was, but he didn't explain, and scolded me. When I hung up, I was so sad that I cried so much.
The next day, he came back and gave me a thousand dollars, but he didn't explain much about the previous night. And since then, he stopped calling me every day, and he stopped saying things like thinking about me.
This incident has laid hidden dangers for our future lives. Before that, no matter how hard it was to take on the family life, how stressful it was, or how troublesome it was to take care of the children, I never felt wronged.
He is lazy and not self-motivated. I think these problems have been cultivated since childhood. I can't change it and can accept it. Because I know he is the only person in his heart, as long as he can understand me and see my contribution to this family, I am willing to continue living with him. But after this happened, I found it hard to control my dissatisfaction with him.
(3)
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Later, he returned from the field and started working in his relative's company. That winter, I suddenly received a call from my brother one day, saying that my father had detected esophageal cancer . I cried at that time, and my sensible daughter also cried. When he got home, he only asked "what's the matter", but didn't say anything again.
In the afternoon, he said that he would go out with his friends, and he would not be back in the evening. After he left, the more I thought about it, the more angry I became, and I couldn't help crying in bed. The daughter was terrified, so she called him quickly. At that time he had already walked far, and his daughter also said a few things about him. Fortunately, he came back, but he still didn't have any comforting words for me.
The next day, I took the money home to visit my father. He didn't say that he would go back with me, and I didn't ask him in anger. came back from visiting his father, he didn’t ask how the old man was and what he needed to do.There is no word of comfort for me either. After my father passed away, I didn't mention it again. But his indifference made me still unable to let go.
(four)
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My physical condition has not been very good, and several times the doctor said that it must be checked. I have been busy at work, and finally spared a day. He was also at home that day, so I told him to go to the hospital for an examination.
He didn't ask to accompany me, nor did I ask for it. When I returned home from the hospital, I found that he was gone. I really felt wronged in my heart, so I called and scolded him.
I can't figure out why I want to live with such an indifferent person, why I have to bear all the hardships at home alone, I can't figure it out, I want to escape. I cried and called a sister, and she rushed over to accompany me. My daughter accompany me in tears. My son held the porridge in both hands and served me a meal. Looking at the fearful and helpless eyes of the two children, I didn't have the courage to leave.
I don’t know why, why I’ve thought of leaving this man countless times, and why I still stick to it? Is it really for the child, or is he not having the guts, or is it nostalgic for him? He always felt that he was very good, saying that I was not satisfied and that there was a man as good as him.
(5)
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Actually, in this marriage, I myself have derailed more than once. It was imaginary at first, and there were spiritual sustenances to netizens after going online.
The first time I imagined it was in the third year of marriage. At that time, my life was very closed. I took my first child with me every day, when she was just over one year old. I didn't go to work at that time. In order to subsidize my family, I took my children to sell sorbets on the street every day.
Every day, I can see an uncle and his wife go out for a walk, go shopping together, go home together, sometimes they hold hands, sometimes one after the other, the difference is less than one step.
I envy that aunt, and I especially like to see that uncle. I think he is very man and considerate, and I always want to look at him more. Of course he will never know that there is a young woman on the roadside, and every day he imagines him as his dream lover.
Sometimes I dream of him at night, and he looks at me with that kind of gentle eyes. Sometimes my husband makes me feel disappointed and sad, and I will forgive him because of my psychological derailment.
(6)
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Later, I learned to surf the Internet. I once added a netizen named "Sunshine". Maybe I want too much to find someone to talk to, maybe I have been overwhelmed with emotions for too long, and I was very engaged in chatting with that netizen.
I like the name "Sunshine" very much, I added him on the initiative. After talking for a while, he left the phone to me. During the first call, my heart was beating very hard, and he said that my voice was timid, like a little girl.
We talked online every day. He said he wanted to see me. I refused because I was scared. I have heard that there are problems in meeting with netizens, and the news has also reported them. But during this period, I have been moved by him, and I feel beautiful in my heart, and my spirit has improved a lot. Although I haven't met him, I still have infinite longing.
When I was at my girlfriend's house, it was my first video with him. There were several women there. In order to prove the tacit understanding with him, I asked him to recognize me among several people. He didn't admit his mistake, that feeling was really happy.
He said that he would come to see me many times, but I did not agree. He also said some very nasty things, I dare not tell anyone, but I feel sweet in my heart.
(7)
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It may be because I have never agreed to meet him,Then he disappeared from my friend. I never saw him online again.
At that time, I felt guilty for my lover, but whenever he was indifferent to me and hurt me, I would flash that person's appearance in my heart, and my heart would be balanced, and there would be a sense of revenge. Am I a bad woman? Or do I have a psychological problem? I asked myself the same way, but I couldn't give myself an answer.
And last year, I attended a gathering of middle and high school classmates. Students who have not seen each other for more than 20 years will not recognize each other unless they are introduced. Among them is a boy whom I had a crush on, and now I am a lawyer. His mouth can speak very well, which makes my heart restless again.
When I was young, my family was poor and my personality was a bit introverted, so I always felt like an ugly duckling with a deep inferiority complex. I liked him since elementary school. We were not in the same class in middle school. When we passed by his classroom, I always couldn't help but peek at him. After school, I couldn't help looking for his shadow in the crowd.
(eight)
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After he went to college, my girlfriend helped me make an appointment with him. I feel very brave. He came by appointment, and we went to the small park for a walk. That night was full of moonlight and romantic, but he bluntly rejected me, saying that we were not suitable.
I feel so shameless and ashamed that I can't eat anything for several days. However, in later years, he would receive his New Year's card every Chinese New Year.
I have never forgotten this unrequited love, he has always been in my heart and mind, and has not forgotten it even after I got married and started a family. At this gathering, he frequently toasted to me, saying that everything was in the wine.
I don't know what he thinks in his heart, but I still have an inexplicable feeling for him. I know that it was the emotion of the past, and now I have my own family. The most important thing is that I still feel inferior in front of him.
I also heard that he is very diligent in changing women, and he is not a dedicated person. It's just that I still want to get close to him. I don't know if this counts as a mental infidelity.
(9)
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Tell me about my current life. My wife goes to work every day and leaves early and returns late. He often doesn't eat at home. If I don't ask him to eat at home, he never eats at home. I am in charge of the child, and his salary can only be settled at the end of the year. My salary has to cover family expenses. Life is not very good and it is not too bad, but I just can't find the feeling of home.
I know that there is a problem with our relationship, I said to him, hold me for a minute every day! He said that he is an old husband and wife, so what to hold. I complained that he didn't take care of me, complained that he was not considerate to me, he always said that he was too busy and too tired. But he goes home every night holding his mobile phone, life is really boring.
I am not a lazy woman, nor am I ignorant of the sentiment, but he is always disappointed. I remember once, I said, let's take our son to the park for a walk. He went there too, but he kept staring at the phone and laughing all the way. I never wanted to go out with him after that.
Some friends said that I have too high requirements for married life, and some friends said that they envy me. He doesn't prostitute or gamble, and has no other bad habits, but I just can't feel happy, and I don't think this is the life I want. .
(ten)
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When I first got married, I especially liked him to sleep with me, especially when I was cooking, he hugged my waist at the back. At that time, all the hard work was gone, and my heart was full of happiness.
He went out to play at night, and he was upset when he was waiting at home. As long as he came back to help me tuck the quilt, I would be satisfied and moved, but unfortunately, there is no more.
I remember one time I got pregnant by accident and told him to go to the hospital for surgery tomorrow. He didn't say that he would go with me, instead he said that the unit was very busy. The next day I went for the operation myself, and it was particularly uncomfortable in my heart.
However, I never cry in front of him,There is only occasional anger, don't look at pretending to be nonchalant, in fact, my heart has already been overwhelmed. I know that even if I bear all the hardships in life myself, he will not feel wronged to me.
I am always worried about him, because I often see him send messages, and sometimes when he receives a message, the brilliance that appears on his face makes my heart sigh.
That night, my cell phone rang. It was sent by a netizen asking if I was asleep. Who is he asking, and he will send you a message so late. I don't want to lie to him and tell him that he is a netizen, a man, and sometimes can't sleep, we will chat. I don't know if he is to retaliate against me or warn me, so he told me at the time that there are actually other women who like him.
(November)
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I think this is half true. When he celebrated his birthday last year, I took my son to his company for the first time to find him and wanted to stay with him. Birthday. A woman at the door asked, is this your wife? Why does it look different from the original.
I felt something was wrong, so I looked at him. He explained that she was teasing you on purpose. Another woman said to him, what a good wife, what a son, have a good time. No matter how I listen, I think he has other women outside.
I said to him at the time, if you like others, don't let me know, it's best to keep it from me for the rest of your life. I also know that he will not leave me and the two children, but I am very suffering.
Once he was hospitalized and had a stone operation. At that time, I went to the hospital to take care of him while I was going to work, and I was almost exhausted. He has been chatting while lying on the hospital bed, and his eyes are shining when chatting, his expression is flying, and his face is still with a smile from time to time. In order to take care of him, I didn't sleep well all night, and I worked hard before and after running, and people were all haggard, but he turned a blind eye. I couldn't bear it anymore, and I had the heart to beat him. But he was lying on the hospital bed, and I could only tell him that he had passed.
Every time he quarrels, he will not take the initiative to communicate with me. I am cold and he is colder than me. After the quarrel was over, life had to go on, but the invisible pain slowly turned into a sore and began to fester.I really want to know who has gone wrong in this marriage and what should I do to have a better life? Who do I love, and who can give me love?
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Marriage navigation:
There are two forms of life’s needs, one is material and the other is spiritual. When material life is worry-free, people begin to pursue spiritual satisfaction. For the passionate, sensitive, and rich inner world of the heroine, she wanted to get the attention, warmth and comfort of her husband mentally, but it was a pity that she didn't get it. This lack of spirit has led to her mental derailment many times.
This kind of mental derailment is not necessarily a "ghost" in the heart, but a "deficiency" in the heart. From another point of view, to solve this problem, you can't always put the hope of happiness on the other person. You have to find a way to make your inner world abundance to have the ability to feel happiness. A person who doesn't even love himself, others will leave. If you want to know who you love, you must first learn to love yourself!
If you also have emotional stories and emotional confusions that you want to talk to, you can send a message to Sister Yan!
This article is organized according to the protagonist's dictation. It is not easy to be original, please do not copy.
article/Hebei Youth Daily reporter Pi Xueyan
editor/Pi Xueyan
The copyright belongs to Hebei Heqing Media Co., Ltd., and it is not allowed to reprint
without permission.
