丨Big brother Yixin
editor丨The clumsy old wolf
The so-called school-weary children in the rebellious period are actually temporarily lost hope for their own growth, temporarily lost self-confidence, and temporarily unable to bear the setbacks brought by exam-oriented education.
Even school-weary children always want to see the way forward, but their thoughts and results always go against each other. They also have to face over-anxious parents every day. If I were young, I might be upside down and addicted. The internet!
Today, I will elaborate on a real case of a mother communicating with a child who is tired of studying: a child who is tired of studying is at home and finds it meaningless to live. How should the mother respond?
A communication case for a child who is tired of studying
This case comes from a real case of a mother communicating with a child who is tired of studying in the "Parent-Child Communication Learning Circle":
son has been at home for nearly a month, and this month I went from the first world to the ground. Stuck, at a loss, and then irritable and anxious. Now I am uneasy and painful...
After watching the three-stage learning materials repeatedly in the past ten days, I have had two long conversations with the coach. Can temporarily use calm emotions to accept the child's current situation.
On the surface, I watch my children go to sleep during the day, watch TV and play games at night, but I still can’t be at peace. I always want to walk into my child’s heart and see how I can help the child open the knot.
Although I try to shut up and stop saying "you can't, you don't, you always" accuse the imperative language, but I will also try to talk to the child about TV and games, and communicate on topics that interest him.
When I don’t discipline my children like I used to, my children occasionally talk to me about the things in my mind, but I still can’t help my children get out of their inner haze.
I sorted out the communication process between myself and my children recently, which is considered to be the use of curious dialogue techniques during this period of time. Please the coach and parents to help me analyze it.
After watching TV all night by himself, my son asked me a question that made me panic in the morning:
Child: [Mom, what is the meaning of being alive? I think the meaning of my life is to follow fans, read comics, and play games. ]
Mom: [Son, when did you start thinking about this question? ]
Child: [I have this idea since I was in the first year of middle school. ]
Mom: [Son, what happened on the first day of junior high school that made you think about this problem? ]
Child: [Since then I have been upset! ]
Mom: [What is upsetting you? ]
Child: [I can’t sleep at night, roommates, friends, and learning problems always annoy me! ]
Mom: [Oh, son, you said that you can’t sleep at night, and your roommates, friends, and studies all upset you. What happened to your roommate, what happened? Is it all the roommates? Or one of the classmates? ]
Child: [Hey, some classmates always target me. ]
Mom: [Which classmate is always targeting you?]
Child: [That classmate named Wang XX]
Mom: [Why is he targeting you? ]
Child: [I don’t know...]
Mom: [When did he first target you and what happened? ]
Child: [Not long after school started, I asked him a question about learning, but he didn't answer it, and he has been targeting me since then. ]
Mom: [What did you ask him about? ]
Child: [Forgot...]
Mother: [Then how did he target you? Did he scold you or beat you?]
Child: [He hit me, he caused the injury behind my ear that time. ]
Mom: [Then I asked you at the time, why didn’t you tell me?]
Child: [I didn’t say it at first, but I told you later]
I just remembered it at that time, and my son did tell me At that time, I wanted to find the child’s mother in the class WeChat group to talk about this matter. My son refused to let me make the matter bigger, and then it stopped.
Mom: [Mom remembered, you told me that you stood in front of the bed and talked to a classmate, and another classmate kicked you off the bed, who is that classmate? ]
Child: [Humph! It's that Wang Moumou! ]
Mom: [Son, besides him, are there any other roommates against you? ]
Child: [There are two other classmates who are more grumpy...]
Mother: [Does the roommate target you so often? ]
Child: [It's just that he does this often. ]
Mom: [Son, how did you feel when they targeted you? Angry, wronged, angry? ]
Child: [I forgot about things in the past, I don’t want to remember them again. ]
Mom: [How did you feel then? ]
Child: [It didn't feel much, I was angry at that time, and it passed after a while. ]
Mom: [Son, mom thinks you are a very tolerant child and don't want to care about your classmates. But you still feel uncomfortable yourself, right? ]
Child: [Yes! ]
Mom: [Then you told me that your friends also upset you, so what happened to your friends? ]
Child: [I have no friends...]
Mother: [Why then? ]
Child: [They ignore me...]
Mother: [What happened, why do you think they ignore you? You can take the initiative to make friends with them! ]
Children: [I took the initiative to play with them, but I talked to them, they were unwilling to tell me, I asked them questions, they either said "Such a simple question is not possible", or said "Ah, this question I won’t either.” Sometimes I greet them and ignore me. I used to have many friends in elementary school. ]
Mom: [Son, when did you feel that they didn't play with you? ]
Children: [They think I can’t study well. They played with me at first, but later they saw that I didn’t get good grades, so they didn’t play with me. ]
Mom: [Son, how did you feel then? ]
Child: [I’ll play by myself. When get out of class is over, I’ll go out to the school by myself. The school has let me go around, but it’s really meaningless...]
Mom: [Son, are you sad? ]
Child: [I forgot in the past, I don’t remember anything, and things are quickly forgotten when they are over! ]
Mom: [Son, my mom wants to apologize to you. You have so many things and asked for a transfer. Mom didn't understand you, but let you be patient and let you continue to adapt. Sorry, son! ]
The son was silent for a while without speaking.
Mom: [Son, do you think your classmates exclude you because you can’t study well, what have you done to make things better? Are you thinking about studying hard and catching up? ]
Child: [I learned it, but I can’t always learn it! ]
mother: [Son, don’t you like studying? Do you hate learning in your heart, or do you think you can’t learn and don’t want to learn? ]
Child: [I don’t like learning, and I don’t hate learning, I just don’t think I can learn anything. ]
Mom: [Son, school puts you under a lot of pressure, so let's try it at home, okay? ]
Child: [Oh, that TV is so good...] The son of
started talking about the TV show, turned the topic off, and stopped the conversation.
My conversation with my child ended in a bland way. Although the child did not have the confrontation and irritability as before, but I still feel a bit regretful. I think my communication still fails to enter the child’s heart, and I have no power. Help the child open the knot.
Through this conversation with the child, I feel that the child always protects himself by evasive means, and is unwilling to say what is in his heart, but these things are clearly pressed in his heart, and the child does not know how to face and resolve it, which leads to weariness of school At home.
How should mothers deal with
From the above case, we can see that there is no shortage of serious and responsible fathers and mothers in Chinese family education. Especially after 70s, parents are very serious. If there is a problem with a child, the first thing is to be anxious. Parents, but they are unable to change their children's problems.
As a parent-child communication coach, I first affirm that this mother has patiently used the curious questioning method to help the child go back to past events during the communication, but the child answered: "don't know", "forgot", "no feeling" For this kind of response, my mother was obviously very frustrated and weak at the time.
According to my experience, the child in the case is obviously avoiding his emotions and real desires. Although he always wants his mother to see it, why is it so?
I think in the process of raising children, most of our parents born in the 1970s are unable to give their children emotional education and personality education, because we are the product of examination-oriented education within the system.
When we ourselves don’t know what is really suitable for this generation of children, we have to communicate with our children and work hard to discipline our children. Isn’t it ridiculous to be responsible to our children? In the
case, the mother’s heart is obviously to help the child solve the problem. She always wants to guide her child to express what she expects, but forgets good communication, not just asking curiously, it’s much more important than this. Yes: Real expression and attentive listening!
When you see this, you will definitely ask: Coach, then tell me, how would you deal with children's language of "don't know", "forgot", "not feeling"?
Most people want to see the correct answer, because they all hope to make themselves feel safe through the answer. I can understand it, and I did it before.
Here, I will talk about what kind of dialogue and coping methods would I use to complete this communication if I were this mother.
First of all, before communicating, I will calm my emotions. Even if I face my children with guilt and anxiety, I must first be aware of my guilt and anxiety, and then fully allow these emotions to exist.
Next, I want to ask myself first, what is the purpose of this communication? I want to help my child solve the problem of being tired of studying? Or do you want to ease your child's emotions through communication? Or do you want to make the child feel that parents are paying attention to him through communication? Before
begins to communicate, there is a very important detail, which is to send out an invitation to communicate through the correct name and a pause. This is easy for many parents to ignore. Maybe in the minds of these parents, equal respect is only a truth.
In the process of formal communication, we always listen carefully to get as close as possible to the child’s heart, instead of solving the child’s problem.Gradually curiously explore the perspectives and expectations of the child, and finally connect the child’s inner desire to guide the child to be responsible for himself or support him to choose freely.
above my usual conversational context, so when the mother was communicating with the school-weary child at home just now, the child could not truly connect with himself and could not perceive the emotions and the reasons behind the emotions. The mother did not check the child carefully. It is impossible for the child’s opinion to be expressed truthfully.
I will take one of the children’s coping language "no feeling" as an example. I usually respond like this:
Coach: [How did you feel at that time? ]
Child: [It didn't feel much, I was angry at that time, and it passed after a while. ]
Coach: [Nothing feels at all? ]
Child: [Well, yes! ]
Coach: [So, do you allow yourself not to feel it? ]
Child: [I allow it! ]
Coach: [Then you also allow yourself to be sad and angry? ]
Child: [Allow! ]
Coach: [But you said you were always targeted by them, and you were upset from the beginning of the first year, but now you don’t feel it! ]
Child: [Yes, I usually forget the past! ]
Coach: [Let’s explore, shall we?]
Child: [Well, yes. ]
Coach: [Let’s explore, you first take a deep breath of and three times, don’t rush to answer me, okay?]
Kid: [Okay. Coach
: [Please remember, when that student Wang targeted you, what did he scold you? Do you think he is fierce when you hit you? Are you scared at the time? Are you angry? Are you sad? ]
Child: [I am afraid...] Coach
: [Any other feelings? ]
Child: [Seems to be angry...] Coach
: [Then can you tell me separately about the reasons behind your fear and anger? ]
I will not expand the description in the following. Normally, the children's inner feelings, opinions, expectations, etc., after being seen by adults through dialogue, the children's anxiety and depression will be much less.
If the child trusts each other, we can also positively guide the child, let the child think rationally, facing such a self, how to change to make yourself better.
Finally, I want to say to you who read this article:
Curious dialogue is not a tool to change the child to meet your expectations, but a process used by adults to connect with the child, so that both parties have self-awareness.
The advantage of curious dialogue is not that the child is willing to talk to you, but that you can accompany him in a state of awareness, let the child be responsible for his own growth, and make judgments for his free choice!
Let’s cheer up together~ If you find something after reading this article, please give me a thumbs up and forward the comment. Thank you for your generosity!
Brother Yixin (the same name throughout the network), a senior parent-child communication coach in the rebellious period, the father of two rebellious children born in the 70s, guides the parents who are willing to change one to one, helping the children get out of rebellious learning, grumpy, early love, and play Mobile phones, family indifference and other difficulties.
