text / Moss mother parenting record
In the previous article about self-control, we mentioned several times that the brain is actually not as smart as we imagined. It often sends out wrong signals and makes mistakes. For example, when you are under great pressure, your brain often sends signals that we will go shopping wildly and overeat to try to relieve stress. But in fact, these methods do not help us relieve stress. When we do this, it brings more regrets, annoyance, and anxiety.
If you want to solve the problem, you must first understand the problem. In this article today, let’s talk about another mistake that the brain is extremely easy to make. Welcome to pay attention to one of the biggest threats to willpower in the world - the “so what” effect.
1. "So what" effect: will guilt and guilt make us become restrained and self-control? On the contrary,
researchers noticed that many dieters feel depressed because of their mistakes, such as eating an extra piece of pizza. They will feel like the entire diet plan has failed. But they won't take a second bite to minimize the losses. Instead, you will say, "So what? Since I have broken my diet plan, why not eat it all!"
The same situation will also happen to children.
Mother assigned a lot of extracurricular homework to her children. The child feels that the task is heavy, so he develops an escape mentality and plays first. At first I regretted it a little, thinking that I would only play for a while and then do my homework. But at the end of the game, the child found that he had no time to finish his homework, so he simply lay down completely. I thought to myself: "So what? I can't complete the task anyway."
For example, when the child is in class, he can't understand some knowledge points. He felt it was a bit difficult. At this time, most children will not be aware of how to understand this knowledge point and learn this course well. If there is no external support and the stop point cannot be solved in time, the child will become tired of coping and even give up. Their idea is, "So what? I can't learn this course anyway." The "so what" effect proposed by research scholars in
describes this vicious cycle from indulgence, regret to more serious indulgence. Any setback will cause this vicious cycle and give up on oneself.
But that's not the worst. Worse, surrendering will disappoint you in yourself and will make you want to do something that will improve your mood. So what is the cheapest and fastest way to improve your mood? It is exactly the ineffective stress relief methods mentioned in the previous article, such as shopping, alcoholism, overeating, addiction to games, etc. And these methods will make you feel more depressed and you will fall into a vicious cycle and be unable to extricate yourself.
Psychologists point out that the culprit of 's situation is not the initial setback, nor is it the first time I want to give up. It is the feeling of guilt, shame, guilt, out of control and despair that arises after giving up for the first time. Once you fall into such a cycle, there seems to be no other way out except to continue to "show off".
Speaking of this question, I can’t help but think of the “Hawkins Energy Level Chart”. The famous psychologist David R. Hawkins divides various human emotions into energy levels. The most negative feelings are marked with different scores.
I was surprised when I first saw this table. Among all the energy levels, shame is actually the one with the lowest energy and the one with the greatest harm to people. Further up there are guilt, coldness, sadness, fear... Have you noticed that these are exactly the same as the views mentioned by Dr. McGniegel in his book "Self-Control".
Crime, sin, fear, and sadness will not make us more self-disciplined, but will make us more negative and out of control.
won't it feel a little unbelievable? We often see the protagonists who are reborn in adversity and fight back in the Jedi in movies and novels. Parents often use this method to educate their children. How could this be wrong?
But after thinking about it carefully, I seem to understand.How can the protagonists in the movie touch people's hearts if they don't have a little heroism? Isn’t the reason why it can touch people’s hearts because it is extremely rare in real life?
So, it returns to the issue of educating children. Parents must not blame their children when they are not doing good things. At this time, the child is full of helplessness. You think criticism can inspire his fighting spirit, but there is a high probability that the incident will force the child to the extreme of giving up on himself.
2. A small experiment reveals the key factor in breaking the "so what" curse
"so what" effect will make us more out of control. So is there a solution? How to break this curse? Two American psychologists Adams and Leary did an experiment on this issue. Let's take a look together.
researchers invited a group of young women who are concerned about their weight and encouraged them to eat donuts and candy in the name of science. Afterwards, half of the subjects received a text message that relieved their guilt. The researchers encouraged the subjects not to be demanding on themselves in text messages, and everyone has times to indulge themselves. The other half of the subjects did not receive such text messages.
At this time, the researchers sent each subject three bowls of candies, peanut butter chocolate, popcorn, and pie , which are all favorite foods for sweet lovers. They were then asked to try it and sort it according to the deliciousness. They can eat as much as they want.
Most people may think that the group of people who receive text messages will eat more. Because their behavior is accepted and allowed. But in fact, the result of is exactly the opposite. The group of people who received the message ate only 28 candies on average, while the group of people who did not receive the message ate 70 candies on average. Why does this happen to
?
Psychologists explain: If guilt and guilt can hinder people's self-control. So we might as well think about the problem from a different perspective. Will the negative side of these negative emotions be beneficial to people's self-control? This is indeed the result of the experiment. Being accepted makes them feel soothed, and getting rid of guilt will make them not indulge themselves when facing candy.
From this experiment, we get the key factor in breaking the "so what" curse: self-forgive.
Some people may say, isn’t self-forgiveness equal to relaxing one’s demands? If we fail and don’t criticize ourselves, will we become lazy?
Sometime, this idea holds true. For example, a child’s brain control system has not yet developed, so he needs to control it to help him grow. Parental restraint is necessary in childhood. But as children grow up, this method becomes less and less applicable.
Canada Carlton University conducted a survey on procrastination. Many students did not complete their review plan on time before the first exam. The survey shows that compared with those who can forgive themselves, those who strictly require themselves to continue to delay review progress in the following exams.
A large number of studies have shown that people with self-sympathy are more willing to take responsibility in the face of personal setbacks than people with self-criticism. They are also more willing to accept feedback and advice from others and are more likely to learn from this experience. On the contrary, self-criticism reduces motivation and self-control. It not only exhausts the power of “I want to do”, but also the power of “I want to.”
3. Tips: Share 3 tips to improve self-control
1. Learn to do psychological construction of "self-forgiveness"
- Self-understanding can help people recover from the shame and pain of failure faster. In this way, people will have more energy and positive emotions to think about why they fail. Thinking of this level, you may be more willing to accept your failures.
- Recognizes the boundaries of your ability. This is not only a compulsory course for adults, but also an important topic in adolescence. What are I able to achieve with my efforts and what are my ideals. It doesn’t matter if I can’t achieve them even if I work hard. Objectively evaluate your abilities. Don’t be too obsessed with those unexpected goals in the range of capabilities.
- Self-forgiveness" Sometimes, for children, there are also some external environments. For example, a more harmonious parent-child relationship and a more friendly classmate relationship. Therefore, if your child encounters problems, he will always fall into shame, self-blame and panic, then you may have to reflect on yourself. Is there a situation where educating children is too strict and putting too much pressure on your children.
2. Strengthen your positive feelings
Ahead we mentioned that human brains will make mistakes. So we need to remind ourselves from time to time what kind of behavior is truly positive and valuable to you.
Dr. Magniger said in the book "Self-control" that when you don't know which way is good for you, you can try it first and give it to You have an opportunity to "find a good way for you". Then strengthen the positive feeling that this behavior brings to you. This is conducive to improving our self-control.
Let’s learn some good practices together:
run is very tiring, so many people become afraid when they start running. But running is good for the body, so everyone who can finish running will feel a sense of accomplishment. So how to encourage yourself to run?
enhances the positive feeling of running. For example, save a voice memo on your phone to describe your pleasant feeling after running. When we want to be lazy, listen to this voice memo and we will be more willing to act.
For example, students are very hard to study and always have time to slack off. At this time, reading the inspirational diary or some inspirational short films you wrote in the trough will make you cheer up faster. Of course, some good learning experiences and methods you summarized can also strengthen your positive feeling.
3. Be careful of willpower traps, don’t be confused by your flag
self-forgiveness, which can improve your enthusiasm for doing things. But we must be careful to be "too positive".
research has found that when people are at the lowest point, it is easiest to make changes. For example, after failing the exam, you want to study hard; after being frustrated in your career, you want to change your job; after overeating, you want to lose weight.
makes a decision to change, which is the most typical Instant satisfaction. Before we do it, we feel good about ourselves, giving us a sense of relaxation and control immediately. We no longer feel like we are a person who makes mistakes. We imagine life after changing, and ourselves after changing, full of hope.
But we have to reveal a cruel fact: the many challenges faced when making changes will make us retreat at any time. Things rarely develop in the direction we hope. Unrealistic optimism may bring us temporary happiness, but then we are losing. This can also make people fall into a vicious cycle of negative emotions.
Psychologically refers to this behavior of using "change promise" instead of "change" to improve mood, called the "will-power trap". This warns us: don't make a vow easily. Just do it.
at the end: Optimistic pessimist is more likely to succeed
Dr. Magniger wrote in his book "Self-control" that if you can predict when you will be tempted and break your promises, you will be more likely to have firm determination. Think about when you are the most vulnerable. What is the most likely to distract me. Then think about what specific measures can be taken to strengthen your determination. Foresee failure is actually a way of self-sympathy . Not a way of self-doubting. When you are really tempted, you can be prepared and put your plans into practice.
So, some people say that optimistic pessimists are more likely to succeed. Optimism brings motivation, but a little pessimism can help people succeed.
I am Moss' mother and an active practitioner in the parenting industry. I use code words to record the growth process of myself and my children. Originality is not easy. If you like my articles, please click to follow and forward!
