From a psychological perspective, education is the process of knowing oneself and guiding oneself with one's own rationality. Whether it is a child or an adult, it is the same in this regard.
Most adults have strong selves and it is difficult to listen to others seriously, let alone feel and experience others with their hearts, and the same goes for their own children.
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So, how do you know yourself?
There is a famous Joe Harry window theory in psychology, which means you need to know yourself from different perspectives so that you can see your different faces.
Through this theory, we can understand ourselves in the blind area, explore ourselves in the hidden area, discover ourselves in the unknown area, and objectively face ourselves in the open area, so as to truly understand ourselves.
Self does not actually exist. You always have to bump into something and bounce back, so that you may only see that self.
For example: When "I" conflicts with others, "I" thinks that the other party does not respect "I", he actually dares to speak to "I" like this, "I" feel wronged, and "I" is hurt. So "I" was really angry and I wanted to vent my emotions.
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Sitting in front of me was a middle-aged lady, and I called her Xin. When I saw Xin for the first time, I felt her helplessness, sadness, disappointment and powerlessness. I could see that she should not have a good rest, and she looked in a bad spirit and complexion.
I told Xin my observations, and she nodded without saying a word.
I asked her, "Do you need to say something to me when you come to see me?"
xin said, "Yes. I have been very sad in the past two years, and I am really helpless and sad. I don't know why my child hates me so much, treats me as an enemy, and even humiliates me. At home, I seem to be wrong in breathing. I do my best to tolerate him. Do I need to always tolerate? If this continues, what kind of person will he become? Does he have a mental illness?"
I listened silently.
After a while, I asked, "So, what do you want to express?"
xin said, "I just want to know whether I need to tolerate him all the time. Over time, will he have mental illness."
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As a mother, I can especially experience Xin's helplessness and sadness. From the perspective of parents, all the starting points are for the children, and we do everything for the children. In addition to money, there are also the hardships of raising children. Only those who have walked this path will understand it. I really have to hold it in my mouth for fear of melting, and I have to hold it in my palm for fear of flying.
"Little feet in memory, chubby little mouth", as if just yesterday, the child was still circling around him, shouting "Mom, Mom", but in the blink of an eye, we were half white hair. How could I not understand such a sincere and sincere feeling?
But the fact is that children may not appreciate the efforts of their parents. If they fail to communicate with each other's direction and intention in a timely manner, there may be deviations. I believe that parents and children are both out of love, but their love is not allowed to be felt by each other. In the end, it turns into "Love you in your heart and mouth" and "I hate you when I see you, and I miss you when I see you."
Seeing that I didn't say anything, Xin continued, "The child is in the third year of junior high school and is about to face the high school entrance examination. I admit that I beat him when I was a child, and I have high requirements for him. I have no language. But he should not treat me like this now. At least, he should respect me on the surface."
"Tell me, what happened, the story between you and your child when he was a child." I looked into her eyes and said.
Under my guidance, Xin told her story.
wait until Xin finished speaking, and I said to Xin: "Now, close your eyes and take a deep breath. Experience it, a young child, when he saw his mother coming, he opened his arms and wanted to hug his mother. He loved his mother very much.But when he ran towards his mother, he suddenly hesitated, and wanted to go forward to hug her mother, and slowly retreated. Can you tell me? ”
xin burst into tears and said, “I feel that he is afraid and wants to be loved, but he is helpless and powerless. "
I nodded and waited for Xin to calm down.
After a while, I asked again: "Recalling your pain now, your feelings about the child's behavior and language brought him when he was young, combined with what you felt just now, will there be the same part in your heart? "
Xin thought for a while and nodded vigorously.
I asked: "What is it? "
xin said: "It's just helplessness, powerlessness, sadness, disappointment, and even a little bit of fear. ”
Finally, I said to Xin: "Your pain is all real, and your pain is partially overlapping with him. You are hurting each other, and the causes and results interact with each other and circulating with each other. "
xin has been crying.
Tears are catharsis, confession, and rebirth.
I believe that everything in this world has causes and effects. The word cause and effect is not the patent of any religion. It belongs to science.
kinds of melons and seeds, and plant beans and beans. This is the natural law. The most important thing is that during the planting process, if we do not pay attention to controlling water, do not pay attention to regular fertilization, do not pay attention to The Double Sunshine shines, but I think there are great gains. I think this is undoubtedly a daydream.
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Later I received a message: "Thank you for listening and guidance for your patience today. You told me that the pain I brought to my children in the past may be no less than the pain I am now. Accepting this may make me less painful when enduring the "revenge" of my children. I will accept him unconditionally and continue to love him. "
Yes, love is the most powerful behavior in this world, and only love can change a person.
Through this case, what I want to express is: each of us thinks that our pain is greater than the sky, but the pain brought to others cannot be felt, even our own children. "At least he should respect me" the sentence "No matter what I do, I should also be respected by you! "Look, how powerful this "I" is.
self-cognition is not comprehensive, and it often brings trouble to yourself and others without knowing it. Therefore, knowing yourself is something that everyone should learn in their life. The best self-growth is self-reflection every day. The so-called "I examine myself three times a day" means this.
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I am Who? What is the me in the eyes of others? Is the me in the open area the real me? If not, then, which me is the real me? Is the me in the secret area the real me? What am I hiding something that I don’t want others to know? Is the real me material or spiritual existence? How to get close to the real me?
This has indeed come to the philosophical level, and I see that children have actually explored at these levels, and I have also seen a lot of family education , but it is not Keep up with the pace of children.
Teenagers are developing in interpersonal, rational, emotional, physical and moral aspects. Parents should teach their children carefully in their daily lives and learn to look at themselves, others, things and the world from a three-dimensional and multi-dimensional perspective.
For example: If a child has a conflict with his classmates, he will feel lost in his heart, emotionally wronged, and may have concerns in class, which may even affect sleep and life. Home You can guide your child to express his feelings and experiences, or write them down. Is there any part that needs the support of your parents? This is the power from the family, which is closely linked to the inner strength of your child. At critical moments, this power will inspire your child to keep improving and be responsible for himself.
Use the four quadrants of the Joe Harry Window Theory of Psychology to try to re-know yourself with your child. If you want to understand others and the world, you must first understand yourself.
Contributor:
Nanjing No. 12 Junior High School Special Psychological Counselor
National Secondary Psychological Counselor
Family Education Whole-person Training Initiator
Youth Moral Education Trainer
Shutong
