Recently, a friend asked me: "How did a baby over one year old start to abuse himself?"
The thing is this: this 17-month-old baby screams loudly and rolls around as long as the needs are not met or are slightly unhappy. Sometimes, he even has to hit the head and scratch his face crazy.
This child's grandmother quickly stopped her when she saw her child hitting or biting her, but the child's condition did not improve. Instead, it is getting worse and worse.
Why do children abuse themselves?
Will children's self-harm tendency be aggravated?
How should I discipline myself for abused babies?
How should children avoid self-abuse?
Jingjing Next, I will talk about these questions carefully.
1. Why do children abuse themselves?
First, vent your anger
As the baby grows up, the child awakens his own consciousness and becomes rich in his heart, so he will have various emotions. The baby has not yet developed and has not yet mastered how to vent his emotions. Once negative emotions in cannot be relieved or vented, they are prone to joking behavior.
And the child is older, even if they develop well, if the child is under certain pressure in his heart and cannot find the right way to release the negative emotions in his heart, and must be released, self-abuse becomes a very effective way to relieve stress.
And what I found interesting is: is often transformed from "self-abuse" behavior.
Baby self-abuse will have a "he abuse" behavior for a period of time. In other words, the child is not the one who beats him at the beginning, but others. For example, grandparents, parents.
But when the child experiences "he abuse" behavior, because parents only adopt a policy of oppression and "really" correcting the child's behavior without understanding the reasons and motivations behind the child's behavior, these incorrect discipline methods of have led to the child's "he abuse" behavior transforming the "he abuse" behavior into "self-abuse" behavior.
actually protested silently: I can’t hit others, I’ll beat myself up!
Second, in order to gain the attention of parents and achieve the goal
I saw many parents saying that they were taking care of their children, but in fact they were looking at their phones throughout the whole process and letting their children play by themselves. The baby who seeks companionship starts to cry and make a fuss because he does not get the attention of his parents. Once he cries, the child will find that his parents will pay attention to him.
over time, he found that crying was no longer useful, so his behavior would escalate, from the beginning of crying to rolling around, and then to self-harm and self-abuse.
Whenever the baby hits himself, hits his head, or bites himself, the parents who keep holding his mobile phone/watching TV/working will immediately put down the things in their hands, run to him and hold his hand and say no.
baby will link up the mother's attention with the mother's attention. In their eyes, hits herself = mother's attention.
Once this equation is true, the baby will use it unconsciously because this equation is so easy to use. This is what my friend said about the child. Whenever he patted his head, his grandmother would quickly run to him and care about him.
How useful this trick is? It's much better than howling for a long time.
2. Will the child’s self-abuse worsen?
Unfortunately, the answer to this question is yes.
Whether it is venting emotions or getting attention, no matter what the child is, he may experience self-abuse as the problem worsens. And it will fall into a vicious circle.
When the child feels that the degree of self-abuse is not enough, and has not received attention from parents or has completely vented his emotions, he will automatically escalate his self-abuse behavior, thereby gaining more attention or better venting his anger. This is a vicious cycle.
3. How should parents properly discipline self-abuse babies?
1. For babies who vent their emotions, parents should help their children establish the correct way to relieve emotions
The reason for self-abuse is that the emotions cannot be relieved, or the pressure has nowhere to be released. The best way is to use other methods of to replace the attack. For example: empathize with children and guide children to express themselves.
First, empathize with children
When the child is "he abused", I suggest using Jane Nelson In the book " Positive Discipline ", four steps to explain "winning children's cooperation" are:
First step : Express your understanding of your child's feelings . Be sure to verify with your child that your understanding is correct.
Step 2: Express sympathy for the child, but cannot forgive . Compassion does not mean that you agree with or forgive your child’s behavior, but only means that you understand your child’s feelings. At this time, if you tell your child that you have had similar feelings or behaviors, the effect will be better.
Step 3: Tell your child how you feel . If you follow the first two steps sincerely and kindly, your child will be willing to listen to you at this time.
Step 4: Let the child pay attention to solving problems . Ask your child what ideas do you have to avoid such problems in the future. If the child has no idea, you can make some suggestions until you reach a consensus.
As the child said by a friend, if he abuses or abuses himself, the grandmother will not just stop his self-abuse or blame him blindly, but will hold him in her arms in time, comfort the child's emotions with whispers and patience, and then win the child's cooperation, perhaps the child's emotions will be digested like this.
"Are you angry? Do you want that toy?"
"I know you are angry, it doesn't matter, grandma will be angry too. Everyone has times when they are angry"
that "
" Then what should you do next time you want to have a toy? You should wait a moment, right? Don't worry, let grandma help you get it, okay?"
I think, at this time, basically all the emotions of the child have been digested.
Second, guide children to express
Some children are eager to express but cannot or do not know how to express themselves, they will use aggressive behaviors to vent their hearts, so it is important to help children find the right venting port for their emotions.
In the book "Game Power", parents can help their children vent their emotions through games, such as: pillow war games, paper tearing games, etc.
Of course, for children who can speak, they can play the game " You Say I Listen to " to encourage children to express their inner thoughts, while for children who cannot speak, they can play the game "I Guess You Say You Say" and try to guess the child's emotions. After such games, the child's emotions can be released and the behavior of self-abuse slowly disappears.
2. For children who gain attention through self-abuse, let the child realize that the equation "beat yourself = follow" does not hold true
If you want to make " hit yourself = parents' attention" the equation is not true, the best way is not to "get involved" in the child's world .
First, ignore . When the child develops self-abuse behavior, the elders at home try to ignore him, ignore his behavior, and observe him secretly not to be really hurt.
When the child's self-abuse behavior cannot achieve the purpose of gaining attention, it will gradually fade.
Second, don’t get too entangled with him in the world of your child . When ignoring this method does not work and even causes more serious self-abuse from the child, parents only need to stop his behavior and do not ask him for any response too much.
Just like Professor Li Meijin said: Just wait for him to vent his emotions quietly, don’t look at him, don’t talk, don’t control him, don’t let him find that his parents are paying attention to him. After a few times, the child's self-abuse will slowly disappear.
4. How should self-abuse behavior be prevented?
Correction of a bad habit is much more difficult than developing new habits, so prevention is the best way to do it.
1. Follow the child
Pay more attention to the child and interact more with the child. The most important thing is to establish a benign communication between parents and children, such as: talk to the child 20 minutes before going to bed and learn more about the child’s inner world.
2. Understand that children
At different development stages, children will have mental characteristics or corresponding behaviors that are not connected. It is recommended that parents read the two books "Your N-year-old child" and "Capture the Sensitive Period" to help parents understand their children's behavior, especially what parents call "bad behavior".
3. Establish rules or reaching consensus
Before the child is three years old, the child should understand some of the prescribed orders, which is the so-called establishing rules. Or reach a consensus on something, such as: you can go to the supermarket today, but you can only buy one toy at most. Then when your child wants to buy more toys, he will think of his former "commitment" and no longer has a temper.
For example: you must go to bed before 10 pm, the garbage must still be in the trash can, you cannot beat people casually, you cannot change to snacks 1 hour before eating, you can only choose one to buy toys in the supermarket, etc. Once the child accepts this rule and forms an inherent thinking habit, he will gradually reduce his anger and anxiety in some things.
Of course, in addition to these methods, we also respect children and give them appropriate freedom. As long as they do not violate "rules" or "principles", they can allow their children to make decisions on their own in small matters, and do not be too serious. Of course, if parents are angry or angry, they can better deal with their emotions and set a good positive example for their children, and children will also learn from their parents. The so-called leading by example is like this.
Personal profile: I am Jingyan Chenyu, a second-child mother who uses input to force output, and the other is called Jingjing, actually thick lines, soul and humor 985 Master.
