The underlying thinking determines beliefs, beliefs determine behaviors, behaviors determine habits, and habits determine results.
A large number of cases I have come into contact with and dealt with myself show that what kind of thinking logic parents have has greatly affected the effect of parenting. The most and most failed thinking mode is:
1. "Should".
Studying well is what you should do; being grateful to parents is the virtue you should have... If your child does anything well, it is "should"; if he doesn't do well, it is "should not". "Should" has become an important criterion for judging the quality of a child.
2. "For your own good".
"Isn't this for your own good?" "I'm getting up early and going to bed late for you!" "I beat you and scold you for you!"...
Under the universal reason that everything is "for your own good", so what parents do is right. If you are wrong, please refer to the previous article.
3. " Linear Thinking ".
"This time the grades are poor because of your learning attitude." "Why is there no effect when spending so much money to make up for you?" "Last time I told you so clearly why it still couldn't do it well?"...
All things that happened to your children are simple linear attribution . Ignore the systemic factors of things, even ignore the responsibilities you should bear, and blame all the problems on your children. If you encounter a debate, you can say "Why others can do it, you can't" and kill the throat with one sword.
4. "Fixed thinking".
"I don't know you yet, don't think of acting in front of me." "Our child is not good at the big exam." "Did you hide in the room and play games again?"
A similar sentence is used for a lifetime and always feel that you know your child the best. But the facts may be the opposite. It is the parents who do not understand children the least.
Every child has infinite possibilities
Combined with their own practical experience, recommend 3 positive parenting thinking to their partners, which may give some inspiration to some anxious parents.
1.Long-term thinking.
Parenting is a long-term investment, and it is not recommended to pay too much attention to short-term returns.
So, from the moment you become a parent, there are at least two questions that need to be taken to think carefully: One is what kind of parent I want to be; the other is what kind of child we want to raise. If you don’t want to get rid of these two problems, it is equivalent to making trouble without goals. Many parents even say that they love to study, but they still cannot educate their children well. You are even confused about what you say "good raising" is. The more you like to study, you can only raise your children as "villains". You are just doing various experiments, and the only one who suffers is the child.
To cultivate children with a good habit or a good character, you must have enough patience. It is impossible to achieve it overnight and work once and for all.
Take self-discipline as an example. It is the only character among all qualities that can make other advantageous qualities stronger. All parents hope that their children can have self-discipline. However, in addition to the child's natural personality advantages, acquired cultivation requires great patience from parents.
First of all, parents must carefully observe their children from an early age and understand their personality and emotional reaction patterns.
Secondly, slowly cultivate children's sense of time value and management methods.
Again, we must constantly help children distinguish what the most important thing is and where to put it.
Finally, when the child encounters choice difficulties or cannot make the right choice, parents can provide some choice methods for their children to refer to.
instead of simply preaching and telling your child that you need to be self-disciplined. Or the simple comparison that makes children most disgusted, you can see who is more self-disciplined.
At the same time, parents must have some problems that appear repeatedly and be mentally prepared to continue to teach them. Even the most common elementary school is particularly self-disciplined and lawless when you get to middle school.On the one hand, some children's cognition and abilities have not kept up and need to be continuously trained; on the other hand, children are at different stages of development and their personality traits are different. This is normal, and parents must face it calmly and handle it reasonably.
The growth and development of a child is a lifelong thing, not a temporary thing. They have all kinds of possibilities, not just one answer. Parents should try to avoid labeling or defining themselves too early.
I received a child from a high school. My parents thought it was helpless. Apart from playing mobile games, I really dared to do it. I fought with my father and didn’t talk to my parents for a year. I sent it to me and said in my parents' words, "A dead horse is a living horse."
However, after half a month of exchange, returning to school was like a different person. The child’s father asked what magic he used [covering his face] I said don’t worry, no magic is useless. I just patiently communicated my ideas with my child, and then shared with my child the rules of the brain functioning. When a person is addicted to something, which brain plays a key role. Therefore, what a child is obsessed with is not what the child is doing, but his lack of the ability and method to deal with such things. After that, we had a wide range of seas and sky, and we had all kinds of communication and imagination, that's all. The only topic we didn't talk about was mobile games.
There is no shortcut to educating children
2. Systematic thinking.
No child’s growth is accomplished by a single factor, which cannot be separated from the systems of family, school, community, society and oneself, and the factors in each system are many different. Therefore, if you want to raise a good child, you must make good use of the power of the system. Many times, when you feel that a person is powerless, you return to the system, no matter how capable you are or how famous you are.
Raising children is not the mother’s own business, nor the father’s own business, nor the grandparents’ own business, but an important matter for a core family.
We know that there are many "widowed" parenting families in society. It is both husband and wife. Many times, fathers are like submarines, and they rarely show their faces once every ten days or half a month. Even if they appear, they don’t care much about their children’s learning and growth, and they don’t spend time and energy to accompany them. And mother, like a helicopter, hovering over the child's head all the time. In this way, the family has lost half of its functions and resources in raising children, and it is easy to have problems. Therefore, we advocate system to raise , that is, all members of the core family must participate, and one party cannot be lacking or excessively involved.
No matter what kind of parenting goals the family has, it is fundamental to let the child grow into a qualified person who is healthy and positive and sunny physically and mentally. Not just academic performance.
Our children may not be scientists, entrepreneurs, writers, etc., but they will definitely be brothers and sisters, friends, colleagues, parents and relatives... So, they not only need to have grades, but also have the ability to get along with others, the ability to regulate emotions, the ability to face difficulties, the ability to self-control, the ability to enrich life, etc.
No one is an isolated island. Parents should try their best to support their children to get in touch with different things and the world, and make use of resources such as communities, schools, and so on.
In fact, many places are now getting better and better, and campus education is more flexible and diverse. Parents can encourage their children to explore, discover and perceive bravely, and allow them to experience their creations and insights.
We are not just to cultivate academic masters
3. Growth-oriented thinking.
In daily education, the more parents have growth-oriented thinking habits, the more open and flexible the children will be. Professor Dweck, one of the founders of the growth thinking theory, found in her experiment that children with growth thinking face difficulties and challenges, they enjoy the process more, are more willing to try, are more willing to work hard, and are more likely to make changes. Moreover, their brains are more active and they will be trained like muscles, thus becoming smarter.
However, how can you make your children more growing-oriented thinking in the day after tomorrow? This requires wisdom from parents.
For example, when you find that your child often expresses his emotions such as "This is too difficult" and "That is too difficult", parents can say, "This is indeed not easy, let's try it together." I met the child and said, "I am so smart that I actually got another 100 points." Parents can say: Yes, my child is so smart. But mom also noticed that you worked harder than before.
For example, a little girl saw a snake toy in front of her and was afraid to come over. Everyone is encouraging girls not to be afraid and be brave. This is just a toy, come here! The little girl finally came over tremblingly. The most suitable words for parents are, "Baby, mom just noticed that you are very scared, but you still came with fear. Mom is proud of you!"
Another example, once a little boy was brought to my office by his mother, and then pointed to a picture from us and said, "This painting is really ugly." Mom immediately explained how beautiful this painting looks. I said to the child, yes, maybe it's not very good. But this classmate drew it very seriously, and the teacher thought it was worth hanging here. If you are willing to draw your own works, the teacher will also hang them out. The child's nervous body immediately relaxed.
Give children a stage and opportunity to create
4. Gardener's thinking.
The famous parenting expert Professor Gopnik has a book called "Gardenist and Carpenter". In her work, she described that carpenters treat children as materials in their hands, and always want to create their own "perfect child" through chopping, sawing, planing, filing and other processes according to their own design and conception.
But gardeners are another way. They take good care of each other, including fertilization, watering, weeding, loosening soil, etc. At the same time, they also have their own designs and concepts. When they find that the flowers and plants are not growing well, they will repair, prune, support, etc. to help them grow better.
So, carpenters and gardeners have their own goals. The difference is that carpenters only have "requirements" and only want to create their own "works". Gardeners are cultivating "life". They also have requirements, but they are more able to take care of and support them.
Life is not only possible, but also miracle
