Growth requires inner vitality, that is, the courage and confidence to think "you can do it."
This is the inner driving force that cannot be generated whether we use rewards to give love or use punishment to withdraw love.
So what can be done to avoid the harm caused to children by "conditional parenting"?
Professor Cohen gave a method: convey a positive attitude to children that does not contain evaluation meaning.
This can not only express our approval, but also protect the child's inner motivation and allow him to perform well from the bottom of his heart.
① Capture points of interest and awaken inner drive
education emphasizes teaching students in accordance with their aptitude, allowing children who love to draw to doodle freely, rather than forcing them to use pencils instead of paintbrushes to do calculation problems, it makes children more engaged.
observes children's interests and hobbies, effectively ignites internal motivation, and uses actions to encourage children to develop their talents in things they are interested in.
"Positive reinforcement" uses open and positive guidance to stimulate children's interest in the thing itself.
② Give full play to the motivational effect of spiritual rewards
Desi effect believes that excessive rewards will deplete an individual's lasting enthusiasm. But this does not mean that children cannot be rewarded. Changing forms and methods, and using reasonable encouragement can reduce children's resistance and encourage enthusiasm for action.
For example, when a child practices piano and "plays a piece of music and is rewarded with a piece of candy", it is better to praise him with positive verbal incentives: "Although the piece is a bit difficult, I saw you overcame your fear and successfully completed it. "I'm proud of your persistence."
Psychologist William James once said:
"The deepest need of human nature is the desire to be appreciated and praised by others."
Spiritual encouragement is more important than material rewards. It will better stimulate children's internal motivation. Looking into the child's eyes and encouraging with a smile will double the motivation value.
③ Lead values and control the frequency of rewards.
Material rewards can also be provided, but try to focus on the child's life and learning. For example, reward a child who loves reading with a set of books that he looks forward to, buy sports equipment for a child who loves sports, and let the child see you. Love what he loves, as he wishes.
Rewards should grasp the principle of giving priority to spiritual rewards and supplementing with material rewards.
At the same time, let the next reward be uncertain "when and because of what", which will always make the child unexpected and make him full of expectations.
Only children will feel that -
Parents do not reward him because of the results of something, but reward his initiative, self-control and other positive qualities and attitudes. In this way, you can experience the sense of accomplishment and pleasure brought by "you can do it yourself".
Education has no other purpose than "stimulating the inner universe of children."
Rather than using rewards as bait to pull children forward, it is better to let children find a goal they are willing to run for.
What we have to do is to cheer him up on the side of the track, do the logistics, and then watch him run away from the dust, run farther and farther in sight, and run out of his own life.
