I have read a good book "Awakening of the Family" in the past two days. I really want all parents to take a look at the views in it:
In the process of raising children, What is important is not how to transform children, but to awaken parents' self-awareness, let them see their own problems, and work hard to change themselves, so that they can guide their children to grow better .
That is to say, The core of raising children is not to transform the children, but to transform the parents . Only when parents change can children stimulate their maximum potential and achieve all-round development of themselves. Is the view that
is very subversive?
Let’s explore with you today. What is the reason behind this? What harm does traditional transformation-style upbringing have to children? How parents embark on the road of "awakening and nurturing".
1
Children are a mirror to awaken parents' awareness
Many educational problems seem to be children's problems, but they are essentially parents' own problems .
For example, my son loves to sleep in and always slows down after getting up. Seeing his lazy, unwilling to cooperate, acting coquettish and willful, I couldn't help but want to yell at him.
After reflection, I found out that this was actually caused by myself.
In life, I am a person with a poor sense of time and procrastination.
If I could strictly control the child to fall asleep before 9:30 and wake up on time at 7:20, there would be no such busy morning and suffocation scene.
Actually, my bad habit comes from the parenting model I was raised by my childhood:
When I was in school, my mother never urged me, and I was also procrastinated, lazy, and had a poor sense of time. When she was about to be late, she kept yelling at me anxiously. Unexpectedly, my behavior pattern when I was a child actually happened between me and my son. There is another case in the book
, which is even more thought-provoking.
A 12-year-old boy is always bullied in school. He suffers from autism, refuses to go to school, and is unwilling to date his peers.
Parents tried every means: coaxing, threatening, and even hiring psychological experts, which was useless.
Later, the author found the reason in his mother: it turned out that the child's escaped reaction pattern was caused by his mother.
Because the child's mother also encountered similar "bullying" incidents when she was a child, she was always rejected and her childhood was almost alone. She felt ashamed of her assuming that she always became the target of attack, all of which was her fault.
And when she saw her child encountering bullying like her, she felt very anxious. She did not encourage her child to summon her inner strength. Her anxiety weakened her self-confidence and made her choose to escape.
Children are a mirror for parents.
Through children, parents can examine their childhood feelings and realize that their old behavior patterns are being passed on to their children .
The author mentioned that these behavior patterns of parents come from the indirect reinforcement of their native family and social culture, and behind these behaviors are the fears deep in their hearts .
- believes that "the child who does not do his homework well will definitely not be able to get into a good university in the future and does not have a good job" must be parents who are in the middle and lower class of society and are extremely anxious;
- believes that "the child's temporary playfulness will definitely lag behind his peers" must be parents who regard society as a terrifying and self-killing world;
- believes that "the child's dispute with his parents is challenging the authority of his parents" must be strong and eager to firmly control the control of his children's life...
And the consistent control and change of children's practices is not only useless, but it makes the child develop a mentality of being disgusted with school, skipping classes and rebellious, becoming an "educational problem" in our reality.
As a parent, if you can reflect on the reasons behind these problems, you will realize that the root of the problem is not the child, but the oneself.
2
The best education is not to force change children,
, but to stimulate the inner potential of children
So, what kind of education does children need? If we do not control and transform children, will they really slip into the bottom of society as we are worried about?
The author believes that children are awakened themselves, and they are full of strong curiosity and desire to explore the world. They can explore things very carefully and immerse themselves in their own happiness.
However, our parents think that their children want more toys, more expensive clothes, and experience new and interesting attractions and richer extracurricular activities...
So we arranged their spare time to arrange various interest classes and extracurricular homework for their children when they finally had a break.
Children are busy with busy learning tasks. It is difficult for them to really focus on any one, and their concentration naturally decreases.
As parents, we need to understand that What children need most is these three things:
" I am seen", "I am valuable", "I am very important" .
This is actually the same as Adler mentioned in the book "Inferiority and Transcendence", people are seeking for their entire lives.
Once children find these three things in their family, they will burst into endless power in their hearts and grow into a healthy person with strong hearts and comprehensive development.
However, our parents always use threats and control methods to manipulate their children, and even exchange their love for so-called grades, scores, and obedience with their children:
"If you don't do your homework well, you won't be allowed to go out and play after school in the future"
"You have recently dropped a lot, and I am very disappointed with you"
"You don't listen to me, don't you love me anymore?"
"Why do you have to go against me? Let me deal with you!"
Children cannot feel the love of their parents. They either submit to love and attention, or take rebellious forms to respond to their parents' control. This will breed various educational problems.
Even if children complete difficult learning goals according to their parents' wishes, they are very tired and repulsive.
Because their efforts are just to get the praise of their parents and achieve their parents' life wishes, that is not the life they want at all.
We should use love to summon children’s inner strength and let them dominate their lives. As the author said:
"When the way we look at, listen and talk to them, let children know how worthy of being loved, their sense of self-worth will greatly increase.In this way, we make children stronger and summon children's inner strong self. It will successfully support children to spend their lives."
Children themselves are awakened, What they need is not to be transformed and controlled, but to be mined, led and inspired .
. 53
Start with perception, be an awakened parent
How to become an awakened parent and raise an awakened child?
The author’s advice is "Start by observing the things at this moment and find the trigger point of your reaction. ”
For example, write down what the child irritates you the most:
- When my son starts beating his younger brother, I get angry;
- When the child refuses to calm down and study, I get angry;
- When the child cannot integrate into the group, I get worried... .
Find out what is irritating you.
Never point the source of your emotions to the child , this is the first step to becoming a parent of the awakened person.
Because children are not deliberately stimulating us, they are just doing their own " What triggers our emotions is not the behavior of the child, but our unresolved emotions ".
For example, my son always doesn't cooperate when I dress him and kicks around with his legs. For this reason, I'm very angry.
In fact, the reason for this is that when the child was very young, my mother-in-law liked it I was teasing him in bed, and I especially like playing this kind of kicking game.
The child just thought it was just a game. And I was resentful towards my mother-in-law, so every time the child showed such behavior, I would be very angry.
When I realized that the source of my emotions was not the child's behavior, I would rationally control my emotions and gently tell my child "the time to wear clothes is not the time to play".
Every parent will experience some pain during his growth process. These unreleased emotions make us sensitive to our children's behaviors blindly.
We need to detect our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in daily parent-child interactions, and take a double-sided mirror to go inside with a double-sided mirror. Only by looking at yourself and looking at the world can you embark on the road of awakened education.
Finally ended with a poem written by the author in the book:
Our children, our awakened ones.
I once fantasized that I want to raise you into a complete, complete, valuable, educated, kind, wise, power-free leader.
I was once confused by my age and strength, thinking that I knew everything, thinking that I was ready for everything, just to teach you, inspire you, and change you.
Until now, after spending so many moments with you, I realized how ignorant, unfounded and unrealistic the thoughts of the past were.
Now, I understand... it is you who teach me, guide, lead, transform and improve, change, awaken and inspire me.
I now realize that I made a mistake in the past, from top to bottom, from inside to outside, and it was you, this carefully designed, clear and loud horn awakened my true self
I hope that every parent can become an awakened person in the process of raising children, see through the children, and awaken self-awareness and change, thereby leading the child's self-growth.
