Author | Oh My Mom was eating in the downtown area a few days ago and saw this scene: a family of three at the next table. The little girl was about five or six years old. She looked a little unhappy and refused to eat with a straight face. At first, her mother patiently advised

Author | Oh Mom

I was eating in the downtown area a few days ago and saw this scene:

There was a family of three at the next table. The little girl was about five or six years old. She looked a little unhappy and refused to eat with a straight face.

At first, her mother patiently advised her: "Eat quickly, or you won't gain weight."

But the little girl still went her own way, full of rejection.

Seeing that the persuasion was useless, the mother's face suddenly turned cloudy, and she shouted in a louder voice: "Why are you so annoyed? I tell you, I'm already angry!"

I guess she was also frightened. The little girl looked at her face at first I was confused, and then burst into tears.

The scene was a mess, the mother was furious, the girl was crying, but the father next to him kept looking at his mobile phone and it had nothing to do with him.

Seeing this, I couldn't help but feel sad:

If this mother's mood swings are always so big, and her father has no sense of involvement, what will the girl become in the future?

I think there is a high probability that more family problems will only break out.

As the philosopher Rudolf Steiner said:

"The behavior and performance of parents in front of their children determine the child's development tendency."

The mother is emotionally unstable, and the father is not concerned about family matters. Raised children vary widely.

The mother is restless, and the child has lost motivation to grow.

"Gold Medal Mediation" came to a family. As soon as it came on, the couple complained a lot and complained about each other's educational philosophy.

’s mother is strong and strict. She has high expectations for her daughter since she was a child and requires her daughter to take key exams.

In the first few years of elementary school, my daughter was indeed as expected, excelling in learning and social skills.

But the relationship with her was a bit bad. There were frequent conflicts and quarrels. When serious, she even beat her daughter.

Her husband has been away from home for many years and knows that the relationship between mother and daughter is not so good, so he helps his daughter to fight against her.

She became increasingly anxious when she saw that her daughter’s learning status was not as good as before after entering junior high school.

often quarrels with her husband about education issues, "forces" her daughter to study, interferes with her behavior in every way, and does not allow her to do this or that.

In the end, the relationship between her and her husband became tense, and it was on the verge of divorce. The relationship with her daughter was still irreconcilable.

Even later, my daughter became unmotivated, lazy and loved to drink, and her studies plummeted.

It is obvious that the daughter did not follow her script to become great.

The nervousness in her heart about her daughter's study not only blocked her love for her daughter, but also destroyed her daughter's motivation for growth.

writer Zhou Guoping said that parents’ anxiety is the heaviest burden on their children.

A restless mother will never raise a relaxed and happy child.

The remaining fear, tension, and anxiety in her heart stem from her fear of not being able to keep up with the pace of society and her desire to prove herself through her children.

As a result, these negative energies are transferred to the children without exception, making them breathless.

As a primary school student who was forced to arrange more than a dozen extracurricular training classes said:

"In my mother's eyes, learning is nothing but learning. As long as I learn well, my mother will be happy, but she doesn't know how desperate and helpless I am. Life is really boring to me. "

Children are not puppets at the mercy of others. They have their own emotions and thoughts.

Under the pressure of his mother, he slowly lost his autonomy and found it difficult to have the strong inner self and tenacious will to live out his life and realize his self-worth.

The father is cold and distant, and the child has a low sense of self-worth

In many families today, the father is like a shadow that cannot be grasped. He clearly exists, but his appearance cannot be seen clearly.

gave up the power of education to her mother, and did not participate in it and ignored it.

reminds me of my cousin’s son from my hometown.

A 13-year-old boy who is 1.7 meters tall. He is clean and handsome, but has a submissive personality and is very unsure of himself.

Sometimes when someone compliments him, he either subconsciously avoids the topic or waves his hands in denial, as if admitting that he is "good" is a particularly embarrassing thing.

In fact, his low self-esteem and cowardice are related to the absence of his cousin.

When he was three or four years old, his cousin went out to work and came home only a handful of times a year. Even when he came home, he had nothing to say to him.

Not to mention calling him as soon as he goes out, his cousin can't even remember what grade he is in.

Seeing that he and his cousin were as alienated as strangers, he asked him why he didn't kiss his father. Hesitation and confusion flashed in his eyes.

How can an unenthusiastic father establish a close relationship with his children, and how can he convince his children that they are loved and valued?

Dr. Lin Wencai, a well-known parent-child expert, pointedly pointed out:

The person who determines whether the child is "confident enough? Whether he thinks he is good enough or not?" is more often the father.

Fathers have a greater impact on their children's self-image and sense of self-worth than mothers.

This is because the father represents the child's connection with the "world of others". If the father shows passivity towards the child, disdain and alienation from participating in education, then the child will only feel: I don't deserve other people's care. No, I suck.

Over time, children will lose sight of their own value and become accustomed to self-deprecation. They may even go astray and fall into greater difficulties due to lack of self-discipline.

Only when the mother is calm and the father is enthusiastic can the child grow up healthily

What should parents do to raise excellent children?

Teacher Fan Deng mentioned in a sharing:

In the family, the mother must learn to be calm, and the father must learn to be enthusiastic.

With a calm and loving mother and an enthusiastic and cheerful father, the child will grow up healthier and brighter.

Brigham Young University researchers have done a study, and the results also show:

Mothers with stable emotions and strong control ability are less likely to be verbally violent (abuse or sarcasm, etc.) to their children;

Mothers with strong cognitive abilities and strong control over their children The desire for control is weaker.

They raise children with fewer behavioral problems (fighting or tantrums).

This is because the child lives with his mother as soon as he is born.

A mother’s emotions directly affect her children, and her emotions determine her emotions.

Only a mother can control herself, not get angry easily, and have enough patience with her children. The children will naturally learn from their mother's calmness and composure, and will not be easily impulsive.

As for the father who symbolizes order and discipline, only if he is willing to participate in parenting matters and actively accompany the child's growth, can the child feel the father's unique and deep love.

An emotionally stable and enthusiastic family not only improves the child's personality, but also creates a happy second half of the child's life.

If you want to raise excellent, confident and healthy children, you cannot do without the parents' attentiveness and mutual cooperation.

1. Only when mothers manage their emotions can children have the space to grow freely.

Education expert Jiang Peirong was once told by a teacher that her son had poor self-expression ability and could not write well.

At first, like most mothers, she was restless and forced her son to practice writing.

But the more she pushed, the more her son resisted, and the more anxious she became.

It was not until the husband intervened and suggested that the whole family write something to share that a family war was prevented.

Later, she discovered that as long as she could control her emotions and not be overly anxious or eager for success, her son would be more willing to write and plan a series of novels.

raised three boys. She summarized 7 ways to manage emotions:

Be ambitious, courageous and wise;
Avoid comparison;
Learn to wait;
Enjoy the process;
Reduce desires and be content;
Give willingly ;
keep a sense of humor.

A mother’s emotions affect her child’s future.

Only mothers can manage their emotions well, stay calm, and a warm and comfortable family atmosphere can allow children to grow freely.

2. Only when the father actively participates can the child feel safe enough.

American psychologist Ross Parker conducted a survey, tracking 390 families and recording in detail the differences in details when parents and mothers play with their children. He found:

Mothers and children The way of playing is more patterned and less exciting;

fathers are more likely to take their children to play intense sports, such as wrestling , hide and seek, etc., thereby teaching them how to handle their bodies and regulate their emotions.

The longer a father spends with his children, the more positive and healthy their children's mentality will be, and it will be easier for them to be happy when they grow up.

So my advice to dads is:

Pay more attention to your children, take them to play games, read books, do sports, and do challenging things together.

The more enthusiastic a father is towards his children, the more solid and sure his life will be.

3. The most important thing is that dad loves mom and mom respects dad.

A psychological agency conducted a survey and asked children of different ages from kindergarten to university to speak freely together and tell their definition of a happy family. The number one ranking is :

Parents love each other.

The premise of "parental love" is that the husband knows how to love and be considerate of his wife, and the wife can also respect her husband and save her husband's face.

Only when dad loves mom, mom will become soft and patient; if mom respects dad, dad will be more willing to participate in family affairs and give mom enough support.

Such intimate interaction is the law of family happiness and the best education for children.

Joe Cabret, president of the Jung Institute in Boston, USA, said:

What children need is the mother's tenderness and tolerance and the father's rules and boundaries. The perfect combination of the two kinds of love is complete love for the child.

It is understandable that parents work hard and try their best to create a better living environment for their children.

But more important than this is mother's good mood and father's high involvement.

Only when the mother is in a calm mood and the father is active and enthusiastic, can the child feel at ease and confidently move through every new stage of life!

—— End——

Author: Aiya Mom, a college educational psychology teacher and a senior family education instructor. She is willing to use her heart and pen to open up the spiritual world of children. Some pictures are from the Internet, and the copyright belongs to the original author.