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Author | Yang Xiaomi Editor | Xiaochen

Source | Meet Xiaomi (ID: yujianxiaomi2015)

01

html In the seventh month, my sister-in-law said to my mother-in-law: You should go back to your hometown

Since I gave birth to Qiuqiu, I have really gained a lot of mother-in-law friends. Everyone is here Together, in addition to sharing how to raise children, we also discuss the handling of various relationships at home, such as with the mother-in-law, with the mother, with the childcare sister-in-law, etc.

My mother was walking in the evening and met someone from the neighborhood next door. She came to her daughter’s house to help take care of the baby. The two of them started chatting, saying that they were not as comfortable as back home in Shanghai. My daughter’s house is a two-bedroom house with more than 80 square meters. A bathroom.

She said that she always takes a bath during the day and feels that it is very inconvenient for her son-in-law to be there at night.

Her daughter also wanted a second child, and she said, "If you want it, I won't bring it to you. Let your mother-in-law come."

She thought about returning to her hometown after her grandson went to kindergarten. It was really tiring to take care of a child. .

When these old people get together, they really have a common language.

There is also an aunt. Her daughter is just half a month old. How come she has time to walk the baby?

Neither her daughter nor her husband are locals in Shanghai. No, once Shanghai was lifted from the lockdown, she and her daughter’s mother-in-law all came from other places.

During the confinement period, my daughter invited a confinement nanny, and they had nothing to do. No matter what the confinement nanny did, the two of them were watching.

The confinement sister-in-law is also a very direct person: "Don't dangle in front of my eyes, it will make me dizzy."

There are more people and more things to do. Everyone gives a few instructions. After the new mother has finished speaking, she is her own mother. She still has to give some advice, and then the mother-in-law has to express her opinions. Most people can't do this job. It's a tripartite opinion.

The confinement sister-in-law said to her daughter's mother-in-law: "You can't see anything. Your grandson has also seen it, so just go back to your hometown."

This mother-in-law is also a very smart person. She said: "I can't leave. I have to go back to my hometown." Otherwise, in the future, I won’t be able to take care of her even for a month, so I’m not sorry.”

Later, the confinement sister-in-law didn’t know how to get through the work of the aunt’s daughter, so the daughter told her mother-in-law to leave.

It is said that this mother-in-law is also very generous, giving her a meeting gift of 30,000 yuan + a gold bracelet and gold lock worth about 30,000 yuan.

Both parties are only children. The mother-in-law looks after the child for her daughter, so the mother-in-law does not have to. But the mother-in-law also has a high emotional intelligence and said she would give her 3,000 yuan a month.

The mother-in-law happily watched over the children, and she didn’t stay there for long, so she returned to her hometown before there was any conflict between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.

These aunts are so good at telling stories, and a few words contain a lot of information. I often listen to my mother gossiping to me, and I enjoy listening to them.

02

Thanks to being a biological mother, if she were a mother-in-law, she would have to divorce

I found that after having a baby, apart from the relationship with my husband, the relationship with my mother and mother-in-law faced real challenges.

I have a friend who was born in the 1990s. He got married very early. He always wanted to have children but never wanted to have one. He chose IVF and gave birth to a pair of twins.

During the confinement period, she invited a confinement nanny and her mother to help. She was afraid that there would be conflicts between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law during the confinement period, so she didn't ask her mother-in-law to come over. As a result, her mother was so angry that she had breast obstruction, mastitis , and a fever of 39 degrees.

As someone who has been through the confinement period, my own mother has a set of theories about confinement, such as not being able to take a bath or wash her hair, and having to drink pig's trotter soup to produce breast milk. The confinement nanny is a professional, so if you say that is an old concept, it will definitely not work.

As a result, the mother and the confinement nanny quarreled, and the confinement nanny was so angry that she quit . She also wanted to mediate and said a few words to her mother: "Just stop for a moment and let me finish confinement."

words It didn't sound good, and the old lady couldn't stand it, so she lay in bed without eating or drinking for three days. Later, my husband, who was also a friend, coaxed her for a long time, and then bought a ticket for the old lady to go back to her hometown.

After the old lady returned to her hometown, she complained to her family members. She was called and scolded by her uncle.

She always knew that her mother was stronger and had to obey her, but she didn't expect to be so ignorant. She told me: Thanks to her biological mother, if my mother-in-law were like this, she would have to get divorced.

At this time, she somewhat understood why her sister-in-law would rather resign herself and take care of the baby full-time than let her mother visit.

experienced something like this. Even if she found a nanny to take care of the two children, she still had to have an elderly person to share the burden. She didn't dare to let her mother come, so she asked her mother-in-law to help take care of the children.

My mother-in-law is also afraid of any conflicts with her. She will make her position clear when she comes, and I will do whatever you ask her to do.

At present, ’s mother-in-law has been helping me look after it for a year. There are no major conflicts and everything is fine.

There is no harm if there is no comparison. Compared with my biological mother, my mother-in-law is an angel. She is extremely satisfied.

03

My mother-in-law, it’s just that I don’t have to pay for it. She even gave me blind orders.

Another friend complained to me about her mother-in-law. Fortunately, I met her twice because she was pregnant, otherwise she would have been so angry.

Her mother-in-law felt that she was too thin. According to the customs in her hometown, she would have to gain 40 or 50 pounds during pregnancy.

Of course, ’s friend’s husband is awesome. He knows that his mother has many things to do, so he tries to avoid them meeting each other.

When he was in confinement, he said that because of the epidemic, the confinement center did not allow visitors. When the child was older, he would take it home with him.

After her daughter was born, as a grandmother, she disliked the fact that she was a girl. Her mother-in-law did not buy anything or give her any gifts. This is really unreasonable.

Even if I don’t give it, this friend said that he doesn’t care about her mother-in-law’s things, but still gives orders to at every turn, complaining to her son that her friend went to a confinement center to waste money after giving birth.

She heard it and was really angry. Did I spend your money?

However, I did not persuade this friend. Her character would not wrong her, and her mother-in-law did not dare to complain too harshly in front of her.

I have heard so much, and I have also discovered some rules. When getting married, family conditions are very different, and conflicts between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are easy to occur.

People with similar life backgrounds, except for extreme cases, are mostly quite harmonious.

I have a classmate who works as an administrator in a company. She is very beautiful. She and her husband were classmates from elementary school to high school. Her husband would not marry her unless she got married, so she got married.

My mother-in-law runs her own company and is very rich. She is really oppressed in every way.

Once, her mother-in-law said directly: What contribution have you made to this family?

She was very tired when she came home from get off work. Her mother-in-law said: Who are you showing off to, are you dissatisfied with me?

But her mother-in-law bought her a villa to live in. There is an aunt at home to take care of the children. Her husband did not inherit the family company, so it is quite good to run her own business.

Another classmate of mine said that if she had the guts to move out on her own, she and her husband would also have a house. But she didn't dare to resist her mother-in-law, because she was afraid that her mother-in-law wouldn't give her money to spend.

However, many people still envy this classmate's life. She drives a Porsche to get off work and has a lot of pocket money, so she can happily buy bags.

There are also cases where the man's family conditions are not good and the woman's family conditions are good. They didn't feel anything was wrong when they were in love. After getting married, they realized that all kinds of problems were not working well when they lived together.

It is especially important for the mother-in-law to come and see the children. If the woman spends a little more money, the mother-in-law will feel distressed, her living habits will be different, and her parenting philosophy will be even more inconsistent. There are so many contradictions.

04

It is normal to have conflicts. Are you willing to compromise?

As long as you live with the elderly, I think it is normal to have conflicts. The key is, are you willing to compromise?

At present, our actual situation is that after we have children, we still need the help of the elderly in the first two years.

Although it is said everywhere that it is a sentiment to care for children and it is a duty not to care for them, many families cannot survive without old people to care for their children.

This is an actual difficulty. I looked at it and found some solutions from everyone.

Many mothers-in-law do not care for the children, but will give them money, a monthly subsidy of 3,000-5,000 yuan, so that the woman’s mother can watch the children or find an aunt to help. In this case, there will be no major conflicts at home. Isn’t it okay if I don’t contribute my efforts and money?

There are also some mothers-in-law who are older and not in good health. It is really tiring to take care of the children by themselves, so they help with some care and ask aunts to help at home. As long as they don't interfere too much, it makes sense.

My mother-in-law is younger and works hard to take care of the baby. Even if her parenting philosophy is different, because she has to put in a lot of effort, as long as her husband works hard and works hard for a few times, her life can go on.

I have a few friends who just started living with their mother-in-law. They had a real quarrel. In the middle, the mother-in-law went back to her hometown in anger. After we reconciled, we each took a step back and our lives were getting along .

Or it can be like our family. Mr. Liu’s family has too many children. He and the young are very independent of each other. From college to buying a house and getting married, I have never spent any money from my parents. I knew this from the beginning and had no expectations. I have my parents-in-law helping me, so I feel very calm and have no conflicts.

What really makes the daughter-in-law particularly dissatisfied is that not only does she not contribute any money, but she also does not contribute any effort, and she also has to dictate. Sometimes the conflict is irreversible.

Unless the husband is really awesome, can make money, and can also get his wife.

I have seen so many "complaints" about family relationships. As long as we live our lives, there will be solutions, and every family has its own method.

But you really have to be prepared. If conditions permit, try to find a childcare nanny to help you, so that both your mother-in-law and your mother-in-law can be physically more relaxed.

If conditions do not allow, you can only rely on the help of the elderly. At this time, focus on the big target, as long as the child is good, and turn a blind eye to everything else. As the saying goes - A general is on his way, and he does not chase a bunny.

If you still can’t do it, tell yourself twice more that the child is yours. The first three years are the most difficult, and it will be over after a while.

Be open-minded and don’t count on it. Sometimes you just let yourself go.

Yang Xiaomi: Founder of the self-media [Meet Xiaomi], author of the book "Monetization from Action", a Shandong native with a background in psychology, settled in Shanghai, went from ordinary employee to marketing director, and started a business in 3 years, sharing workplace experience and Growth story