Author: Creator Group·Slowly warm-up joy
See blogger @Black Cat White Socks Share his experience of being shocked by a family at the airport:
The family he met went out for a trip, their child's ID expired, the mother stayed to accompany the child, but did not board the plane but went home, the other family members boarded the plane, but their luggage was checked in the name of the mother, and the mother was dragged down and returned without boarding.
The blogger assumes that if he encounters such a situation, he will definitely collapse, and if he is his mother, he will definitely lose his temper.
It was just that this family that really happened to me, but was surprisingly calm.
When you watch the full story, it makes you feel incredible and envious: it turns out that there are really parents with such stable emotions in the world.
It is not difficult to imagine that a child who grew up in such a relaxed family atmosphere would be an emotionally unstable person.
The bad emotions of children being suppressed, the body will remember
In the Weibo comments, many netizens have harshly impersonated:
"Our family may start to quarrel and complain about each other when the child's ID expires."
"If it is in our family, just imagine the fierce scolding of parents, next The sarcasm of the journey and the fact that I have to mention it from time to time in the future, I feel palpitations and hypoxia..."
"It feels so subtle. I still remember that one time I bought the wrong train ticket, and my mother exploded and scolded me. The classmate who bought the wrong ticket with me called me to talk and laugh with my mother..."
The opposite of pleasure and relaxation, their feelings are tension, anxiety, fear, resistance...
I remembered Jiang Jing, a visitor in the TV series " Female Psychologist ".
Jiang Jing's father works abroad all year round, and her mother takes care of her daughter full-time at home. Her mother will scold her husband without any concealment in front of Jiang Jing, and because of the cold husband-wife relationship, she tied all her feelings, including emotions, to her daughter.
The mother's emotions were extremely unstable. In Jiang Jing's childhood, the most common scene was that her mother held the meal and said to her: (Piano) Let's do it again and then eat, but as long as the daughter didn't play it correctly, the mother would be furious and start to take action.
Countless times to force her daughter to play the piano with violent emotions, and countless times, after attacking her daughter, she gently feeds her daughter and combs her hair...
I have never cared about her daughter's emotions and her true thoughts in her heart.
Jiang Jing went to junior high school and had a good impression of a boy. She wrote this ignorant relationship into her diary, but her mother wanted to open it in front of outsiders.
Jiang Jing tried her best to hide, but her mother was still "reading" her because she was rightfully "reading".
This makes adolescent girls feel sad, embarrassed, and wronged...
Mother often instills in her daughter's thoughts:
"Mom does this for your own good. When she grows up, she has a good future.
is stricter to you now. You must be clear that mom is not such a cruel person. Mom just hopes you are good and hopes you will have a future in the future."
Jiang Jing will often hide in the corner, recalling the scene where her mother forced herself to practice the piano over and over again, which is very painful.
But she knew her mother’s difficulty, and most of the time she would not resist, but endured and digested all the depression herself.
Words can be adulterated, but the body will not lie and is used to suppressing and accumulating negative emotions. Jiang Jing suffers from binge eating. Her body vents emotions that cannot speak up and resist by overeating.
Harvard There was a survey: 90% of diseases come from our inner world and from our emotions.
Most cancer patients have bad relationships with their parents and have too many negative emotions.
There is a word in psychology called "somaticization", which means that psychological problems are expressed through physical diseases. Typically, there is "neurotic abdominal pain". Some children are in normal health when they are not in school, and their stomachaches as soon as they arrive at the school gate. It is really painful rather than pretending.
Emotions can be suppressed, but memories that exist in the subconscious are hard to erase, and the body remembers everything.
Kidnapped by emotions is the beginning of a child's self-pua
There is a friend around him who lived until he was almost 30 years old and found that his mother was really good at controlling his emotions.
His mother likes to make soup at night and then give it to him before going to bed. He didn't like it and said to his mother several times, "Drink it tomorrow." Before he finished speaking, his mother had already pulled her face down: "The soup I worked hard to make will not be fresh tomorrow."
In order to take care of his mother's emotions, he had no choice but to drink the soup.
suppressed my true feelings of having nowhere to rest, and swallowed my grievances and soup.
When I was young, every time I cried sadly, my father would scold him: "Don't cry! I count three, two, and one, shut up!"
When I grew up, I asked my parents to talk to them when I encountered troubles, but my parents always used the same set of rhetoric to him: "Look openly, read less negative news, and control emotions..."
hour Hou’s father’s scolding made him feel sad and shouldn’t cry. When he grew up, he suspected that he had bad emotions. Everything was because of his poor psychological quality, his personality was too weak, and he was too sensitive...
Over time, he learned to hold bad feelings in his heart. The more he held them, the more he felt uncomfortable, and the more he accumulated, then he developed to begin to disgust himself and attribute all the reasons to himself: Why do I just can’t handle these negative emotions well? I'm useless.
In the book "Self-Awakening, the Best Original Family for Children", it is mentioned:
Parents' harsh attitudes, prejudice, and unreasonable expectations of their children will be internalized in their children's self-esteem, thus forming a set of anti-self inner voices, making their children become self-aggressive.
When we use language and behavior to tell children that they should not be unhappy or cry, they are kidnapping their emotions. And emotional kidnapping is the starting point for a child to start self-aggression.
The behavior of self-attackers is:
often feels unworthy. When good things happen, you will immediately think of when bad things will be approaching; when you are praised, you will search for your own shortcomings to offset the praise, and habitually despise yourself; you will deny yourself endlessly and feel disgusted by yourself.
Question: How should a child who is habitually self-negative and self-loathed, believe that he has more possibilities?
Emotional stability is emotional freedom
British psychologist Robert Debord said:
If you want to better understand yourself, you need to connect with your emotions and understand these emotions.
We shout that emotions are stable, and emotional freedom is the prerequisite for controlling emotions. There is no right or wrong in emotions itself. Only when a person allows his feelings to be revealed can he better understand it and learn to get along with it.
Intelligent parents know how to give their children emotional freedom:
1. Don’t resist the negative emotions of children
Some time ago, I took my child out with my best friend. My nephew cried on the street because he didn’t buy the ice cream he wanted to eat. My best friend felt embarrassed and wanted to drag the child away quickly, but the child cried even harder.
I remembered the advice of a psychological counselor:
When something happens, don’t be angry first, don’t amplify your negative emotions, as emotions will lead you to the nose.
Then, I squatted to my nephew and told him: Auntie is sad to know that you didn’t buy the ice cream you like, but it doesn’t matter. When you finish crying, we will go to see if there are any other stores selling it. OK? I patted his back lightly as I said, and his emotions really calmed down a lot.
When a child gets angry, if we are both parents, the child's negative emotions will not only be resolved, but the situation will become worse; but if we choose to accept, we will find that the child is not making unreasonable trouble.
2. Allow children to stay in uncomfortable moods
Once I saw a story from a netizen: At the beginning of the year, he broke up with his girlfriend who had been in love for 5 years. He endured it in the company for a day, left the subway after get off work, and took advantage of the moonlight and dialed his mother's phone number and started crying.
After crying, he sent a message to his mother and said: Isn’t this too boring?
Mom replied to him with a very long WeChat message:
Who says boys crying is unpromising? On the contrary, I think this means that your son is very gentle, and your family is relying on you, and your mother has always relying on you. Do you know?
Psychologist Zeng Qifeng once said a passage, which roughly means:
From the physical perspective, only by reserving enough warmth can we withstand the invasion of the severe cold, and the same is true for our hearts. Only by receiving support and nourishment can we withstand setbacks and injuries.
Whether adults or children, they need emotional support when they are fragile. Allowing children to stay in uncomfortable emotions is a better spiritual support for children.
3. Find a healthy way to vent with your children
Some time ago, my cousin always quarreled with her son who was in the second year of high school, and the whole family was in a mess.
Later, she made an appointment with her child to go to the night run together every night. After a while, both of them became much softer.
Together with the child, I found some healthy way to relieve negative emotions. While avoiding quarrels, I also found an outlet to vent my emotions.
There is a "bandwidth" theory in economics, which says: Everyone's mental capacity is limited, just like computer memory. If the memory in your mind is too full, you will have no spare time to deal with other things.
The same is true for our emotions. If our negative emotions are accumulated too much, it will be difficult to squeeze out space to accommodate and accumulate more development energy.
Being an emotionally free parent is not to endure and suppress yourself, but to first know yourself, understand your true thoughts and feelings, so as to see your needs and accept yourself, so that you can see and accept your children.
A child with "emotional freedom" can become an adult who can manage emotions and not be tired of emotions in the future, and gain more emotional freedom.
Author: The joy of slow warming, working like an ant, living like a butterfly, first of all, becoming a better self. New Oriental Family Education (ID: xdfjtjy), a parenting platform for millions of parents to pay attention to, conveys the concept of professional family education , provides family education information at home and abroad, and shares absorbable and operational methods and suggestions. Make continuous learning a family habit.
