What will you react if a 3-year-old child makes his clothes, dining table and floor dirty when he eats by himself?
I think most people's reactions will be complaining and threats, "I told you not to eat food everywhere. If you do this, you will feed you."
When the child stays in the amusement park and refuses to leave, you will say, "If you don't leave, I will never bring you here to play next time."
When the child runs and screams in the mall and almost hits you, you will say, "If you run and scream like this, I will never bring you to the mall next time."
...
When we say these threatening words, we think that the child can do what we want, no longer dirty clothes for dinner, no longer stay in the amusement park, and no longer rush around the mall.
That's just us Wishful thoughts.
Everyone wants to be a high-quality parent, but lack of parenting experience often makes us fall into depression and self-denial.
Today, I want to introduce you to a book called "Seven Steps for Family Raising: Becoming a High-Quality Parent is Not Difficult". The author Heidwig Montgomery is a Norwegian psychologist, Family Therapy Room.
Since 1999, she has been engaged in family therapy and has offered many courses and lectures on child development for parents and teachers.
If you want to be a high-quality parent, you will definitely find the answer in this book .
01
Author Hedwig Montgomery said: There is no shortcut to raising children. Raising children is like running a marathon, you are standing on the starting line.
When you stand on the starting line and feel full of confidence, the child will give you a basin of cold water until you wake up.
Zhihu netizen Xiaomao, once shared that something that made you very collapse during parenting:
One night at 11 o'clock, Xiaomao was afraid that the child would kick the quilt and catch a cold.
So, before going to bed, cover the child with a quilt.
only see, The dark room was flashing with blue light , reflecting the child's face, and the video was playing.
At that moment, Xiaomao pressed the light to turn on and off, and the room suddenly became bright and dazzling.
At this time, the child panicked and stuffed the tablet back into his bed, and sat up with a frustration.
Seeing the third-grade child staying up late to play with his mobile phone and cheating him sleeping, Xiaomao felt that the sky had collapsed and felt that his education had failed.
scolded the child without any words, confiscated the child's tablet, and threatened: "Next time I will find that you play with the tablet in the middle of the night, and you will never be able to use the tablet again. "
But such a threat has no effect on the child. After ten days and half a month, the child played with the tablet in the middle of the night and was caught by Xiaomao twice.
At this time, Xiaomao remembered to solve the behavior of the child playing the tablet in the middle of the night.
In my opinion, Xiaomao disciplined the child's behavior at this time is like treating the headache and treating the head and feet, and it has no effect.
In fact, in the process of parenting, many parents only remember to solve the problem after discovering the problem of their children.
But as the author said, parenting is a marathon, and raising happens all the time.
One of the biggest misunderstandings of parents about "raising" is that when the child performs poorly, parents I remembered that I was about to do something to change my child’s bad behavior.
However, raising is something that happens at home and at school at any time. It is the sum of all the feedback children get and the little bits of knowledge they learn in daily life.
In daily life, you may often browse your phone and look at your phone. You either ignore your child’s response or just do it perfunctorily.
Over time, the child will know that the mobile phone is more important and fun than her.
However, parents’ long-term neglect, causing the child to place their emotions on their phones.
When dining out, you can often see a child holding his mobile phone to watch cartoons or playing games, so that parents can have a quiet meal.
In life, you can often see that when a child cries, adults take out their mobile phones to divert their children's attention.
mobile phones seem to have become children's nanny and also become a powerful weapon for parents to maintain their own private space.
However, in this way, the communication between parents and children is lost.
In real life, not only mobile phones will make parents lose the opportunity to understand their children's inner thoughts, they can't control their emotions at all times, or stereotypes will make parents and children lose communication.
In the TV series " Bottom Line ", there is an episode about a beautiful female salesperson Li Fangning who had a workplace harassment incident.
When Li Fangning's mother found out, she thought that Li Fangning's dress was a problem, so she gave the man a chance.
This is because my mother's marriage was destroyed by a woman who could dress up, so she had a stereotype of her mother.
Therefore, Li Fangning, who has developed early since childhood, dared not tell her mother when she was bullied by a male classmate in the same class.
When parents cannot see what happens to their children, the children will not be disappointed with their parents, but will only feel that they are not good enough, so they are not loved enough.
When parents do something wrong, with sarcastic or threatening language, hoping that the child will not do something wrong next time, the child will not think that the parents’ communication method is wrong. She will only think that she has done something wrong and deserves to be scolded.
Over time, as the child grows up, the gap in his inner sense of security becomes bigger and bigger, causing the child to spend his whole life to treat childhood injuries.
03
Many parents believe that it is difficult not to show disappointment or curse the child when facing his or her children doing something wrong.
If you want to control your emotions and build a sufficient sense of security for your children, it is indeed a test of your parents.
Therefore, in the book, the author gave several tips for dealing with children's out of control, so that parents can listen to their children's voices and enter their inner world.
When a child’s emotions are about to explode, what you need to do is not to interrupt or threaten rudely. You can use the following tips:
1. Identify the child’s emotions. The first step is to ask the child how he feels, whether he is sad, fear, or depression or anger.
2. Think about the reasons. Once you understand your child’s mood, you should pay attention to the reasons behind it. No matter whether the child gets angry or afraid, there must be a reason for it. Your inquiries will attract the child's attention, and the child will feel that you care about her feelings.
3. Understand the child’s mood and let the child confirm it. You can say, "You are very angry, right? I can understand your feelings, and I have had a similar situation." At this time, you first understand your child's feelings and express your understanding, so that your child will open his heart to you. If you are complaining or accusing, it will be difficult for the child to tell her feelings or the reason for the incident.
4. Let the child get out of the predicament. Don’t let your child be at the center of this emotion all the time. It is important to let the child get out of this emotion. You can tell her that there is always a solution to things and divert her attention.
When the child calms down, you can sit next to her and ask her thoughts, "Why are you unhappy?"
At this time, parents are like their children's friends, listening to their children's ideas and helping them.
Whenever this child is, the child will know that no matter what is bad, the parents will understand and support her. The parents are her greatest backer.
Children who grow up in families with sufficient sense of security are completely different from children who grow up in families with insufficient sense of security.
Every parent hopes that their children will become , , but the premise of becoming a phoenix is that they also have the ability to love themselves enough, and that their parents can become her backer and the harbor of home.
