When they get out of control and are completely irrational.
When children are in meltdown mode, being presented with choices is overwhelming and may cause more distress rather than less.
When children are dysregulated, they need more boundaries to provide guardrails to help them calm down and cope.
Kids may not like borders, but that doesn't mean it's bad for them.
Many parents I talk to these days don’t know how to apply all the information and strategies they get from social media to their specific children and families. These suggestions sound great in theory, but often don’t work in practice, leaving parents feeling worse—more incompetent than they already feel, and wondering, “What’s wrong with me and my kids?”
Previously, I have addressed parental confusion about time and time - a false dichotomy. This is simply not true and I would say it is potentially harmful, it is recommended to give your child and yourself space during a very intense moment, especially if your child is being destructive, rather than rejecting, abandoning, or belittling the child feelings. It all depends on how you implement your breaks.
Today I solved the confusion about giving children choices.
Of course, giving choices is crucial. It helps children feel a sense of agency and empowerment, often leading to more cooperation and helping them learn to make good decisions as they grow. Indeed, giving children “two good choices” is a strategy that I think is very effective in avoiding power struggles and helping parents remain responsible in a positive, loving way.
But giving choices doesn't always help children; for example, when they spiral out of control and become completely dysfunctional. In these moments, their brains are filled with stress and unable to think clearly, so making choices can feel overwhelming. It's like a big black hole that they get completely lost in, leading to further decompensation rather than policing / organization:
- I want my mom to read...not my dad...not my dad!
– I want that red shirt…no, not that one! No, I said I wanted a dress!
- You need to fix my blanket ... No, it's not that! ... No, that's too wrinkled! ! ! !
Offering more options is a dangerous path to nowhere, and it doesn't help him when he's completely out of character.
At these times, the "mean" feeling is love. It's unlikely that your child will be happy with or appreciate your boundaries, but I've learned from parents in post-counseling sessions that when they stop trying to get their kids to accept the plan by giving them endless choices and set clear When restricted, their children eventually calm down and move on in more positive ways.
"I know you want your mom to read to you, but this is a dad reading night. I'm going to read two books. I want you to sit down and look at the pictures with me, but that's up to you."
"I see it's really hard to choose clothes this morning. No problem, I'll put some in your backpack and you can change at school if you decide to do that."
"We're going to have a practice session this afternoon to help You learn how to adjust the blankets the way you like them and then, when it's time to go to sleep, I put them on you and if you don't like them the way I do them, or you get up and they mess up, it's your job to fix them yourself. . You are perfectly capable of doing this, and I have every confidence that you will figure it out."
Yes, there may be crashes initially when you set and maintain the boundaries, but that will eventually lead to adaptation.
