Teacher Wang Yu Hello!
My psychological problems come from campus bullying and my parents, including depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder and social phobia. I went to school in a small town out of town since I was a child. In my elementary, middle and high school classes, there were always some local classmates who always bullied and discriminated against classmates from rural areas. I come from a rural area and have been bullied, belittled and given nicknames since the third grade of elementary school. He was said to be ugly, short, dressed in shabby clothes, from a poor family, with a strange rural accent, etc. Since then, I have become low self-esteem and autistic. I feel that no one will like me and accept me, and I feel bad about myself. I don’t want to make friends with my classmates or trust them because they don’t respect people and don’t treat people equally. They would also threaten violence, and if they fought back when being bullied, they would be beaten up by the group, so I was very scared and timid. If you are bullied, you dare not resist, so you can only endure it silently. This also caused me psychological trauma, fear of interacting with others, anxiety and fear, and fear of being hurt by others. Become people-avoidant and people-pleasing.
My father asked me to study hard and earn a lot of money to build a high-rise building in my hometown so that people and relatives in the village would envy us and make them think we are good. They also always say that the most important thing in life is reputation, which makes everyone feel that they are powerful, rich, live a good life, and be praised and envied by others. My mother always controlled and restricted my freedom of movement. When I was a child, I was locked up at home and not allowed to go out. Because my parents said that the society is very chaotic, there are many bad people from outside the area, kidnapping and trafficking of children, etc. I could only believe them and obey them. So I never interacted with my classmates after school or vacation when I left campus. My mother always forces me to eat apples every day, like a task that must be completed. It is also required that you must not eat junk food, potato chips, fried chicken, barbecue, etc., because gutter oil is dirty, carcinogenic, and unhealthy. I have never eaten this kind of food at home. They take health and safety very seriously. I am 26 years old. During the Chinese New Year in my hometown, I wanted to go for a walk in the town alone, which was only four kilometers away. My mother wouldn't let me go alone because it was unsafe and there were many cars and dangers outside. There are many, many more. I always feel that my friends and neighbors live much freer and happier lives than I do, and they are also more confident and bold. Their parents don't restrict their children in that way. The cause of my psychological problems is school bullying and parents. After I went to college, I left that small town that excluded outsiders and those classmates who had a sense of superiority and bullied rural people.
But I can't leave my parents. Even if I go to work in other places, I will always go home during the Chinese New Year. When I call my parents, I will always be asked to do so. I have also communicated with them and talked with them about their wrong ideas, concepts, values, and incorrect education methods. Their excessive restraints and restrictions on me were detrimental to my growth, and their excessive expectations put pressure on me. But they still persisted, refused to change, and refused to listen. Regarding my psychological problems, I can work hard to change myself, figure it out on my own, accept myself, and live bravely as myself, but if I can't leave my parents, I can't separate from them. Psychological problems may again be affected by parental demands. I would like to ask if the psychological problems come from our parents, but we cannot give up and leave our parents, then how should we get along with our parents? (Being unable to leave one’s parents refers to being unable to leave one’s parents because of their upbringing, hard work, money, training, and support. One cannot sever ties, cut off grudges, and stop seeing each other.)
Teacher Wang Yu from the Nanjing Psychological Counseling Center replied;
What you see is just the appearance. After all, separation from parents does not mean severing the relationship between father and son, or the superficial separation of no contact. The essence of being separated from parents lies in spiritual independence. On the one hand, too many people are bound by filial piety, and on the other hand, they regard filial piety as an excuse for their unwillingness to psychologically wean themselves.
Just like my visitor, maybe he is 20-30- or even 40 years old, but subconsciously he still fantasizes about becoming a good child in the eyes of his parents and winning their love and recognition. But and must be wrong, because although he cut the physical umbilical cord, he did not cut the mental umbilical cord.
He still lives in fantasy, still fantasizes about winning the love of his parents, but if his parents don't understand love at all, they can't love, or even he has controlled love, then he will only become his parents' savior invisibly. Not only will he not get the love he wants, but he will not really save his parents. In the end, both sides will suffer.
All the love in this world is for getting together, only the love of parents is for separation. The healthy growth of a child means that parents must not only have the ability to love their children, but also have the mind to allow their children to become themselves.
So growing up means being independent, and being independent means becoming yourself, not your parents' good baby, nor continuing to fantasize about being dependent on your parents, or winning their approval.
The most important thing is to recognize yourself. When you have love and roots in your heart, the relationship with your parents can actually be close or far away. After all, nothing in this world is necessary, but there is only one thing, which is to be responsible for yourself and live your own life.
