The requirements and instructions of the inner demon
human nature is full of charm because it is unique, flexible and free, rational, and emotional. She will guide a person's life direction, and will continue to grow with life experience, and fulfill her talented mission. But when a person's heart is controlled by the power of darkness, then human nature will be suppressed and eventually become an empty shell without real emotions and soul. At this time, the instructions of the inner demon will transform into various "shoulds", and he will eventually lose his freedom and flexibility as a person. Everything he did was not from his sincerity, but was controlled like a puppet.
Because he has never been truly loved, he does not believe that he is lovely and valuable. He must live on the fantasy of his idealized self and eventually be controlled by this thing he has shaped. It should not only come from idealized fantasies, but also from the existence that maintains the idealized self. At this time, he is like a vampire, and all kinds of things that should be the basis for his survival. He needs to constantly absorb them and never end in order to maintain his false self and not be broken in the face of reality.
So, he is "very hard" in everything he does, lacking casualness and nature, but what he gets in the end is not happiness and growth, but conflict and pain. He would also wonder why other people's pursuits bring happiness, but his persistence brings pain. Perhaps the problem lies in "forced". After all, others want others to respect, but not necessarily respect others; others want to make progress, but not necessarily grow; others want to be accepted, but not everyone; others want to be perfect, not necessarily perfect; the needs of normal people also have an end, but the desires of patients are endless. Just like a patient described his mother's requirements for him: if he took the first place, he would blame him for not being the first in the school; if he took the first place in the school, he would blame him for having done wrong questions; even if he became Jack Ma , his mother would ask him why he was not Bill Gates.
"should" be reflected in each person differently, which is closely related to his idealized self-image. If the image he creates is holy, then he should be free of any human stains and full of love; if his character is an invincible strong man, then he must never give up or be hurt; if he maintains the quality of love that everyone is loved by others, then he should satisfy everyone and not offend anyone; if he mistakenly thinks that he is the embodiment of perfection, then he cannot accept any of his shortcomings and deficiencies; if he thinks he is a great person, then he cannot fail and cannot be surpassed by mortals, and his happiness comes from the pleasure of crushing others, and he must surpass others in all aspects.
When "should" it replaces a person's true emotions. Even if he is kind, filial, diligent and enthusiastic, these are just a perfect performance. Even though he is enthusiastic on the surface, it does not come from his true love for others, but just fear of being disliked by others.
A patient wrote: I don’t know where the real emotions are. All the emotions from the heart seem to be gone. The things I do are either because of fear or bringing glory to myself. I don’t love in my heart anymore. I think that a person who doesn’t even love himself and hates himself will not love others or the world. Why can't I love myself unconditionally and forgive myself. I always live carefully. I have grown up and can support myself. Why do I still want to please the people around me? I am afraid that they will leave me, abandon me, and hate me. For more than 30 years, I have been living like this. I don’t know where my true self and my inner emotions are. I lost my true self and when I was very young, and what kind of person I should be has long replaced what kind of person I was.
Maybe, in life, he knows how to care about others, how to empathize with , and how to observe his expressions. It seems that he is sensible and sensible, but in essence he lacks the ability to establish intimate relationships. After all, he has no heart and lacks true emotions.It seems that he has many friends, but in essence he doesn't love anyone and dares to let anyone know the real him. The number of friends is just a means for him to maintain a sense of security. Sometimes, for the sake of interpersonal harmony, he dares not express any objection. Even if he is wronged, he never conflicts with others. In life, he only deserves or not, and does not think or not. He even stipulates what expressions should be used to respond to others when speaking, rather than living according to his true emotions.
patients lost their loyalty to themselves and then changed from "self-transformation" to "revolution". The so-called rotation means living according to one's own thoughts and emotions, for one's own interests; while revolution means thinking about others, caring about others' feelings, and regarding others as more important than oneself.
Although he would regard "revolution" as a virtue, in fact, there is no difference between him and a well-adapted machine. He dare not express his true feelings, because reality means ugly to him. At this time, from the perspective of human attributes, he is no longer a real person. He is like a puppet or a porcelain doll, without vitality or vitality. He tried to maintain the character he thought he should have, he tried to be what others wanted him to be, he tried to be a person who was not disliked, but he lost himself in the end.
A patient wrote: I am so tired. I turned on robot mode again. My robot has no heart, it is a hollow robot. I eat, sleep, and walk. I know what to do and what not to do. I am calm enough, but I am so rational. This kind of rationality is a trick to deceive everyone and hide it from the truth. The ultimate mode of lying is to deceive yourself together. The best way to brainwash yourself first. I know when to say what to say and when to react. I know what to say and what not to say. What kind of mentality can protect me best. I even thought about every expression. But I don’t have a heart, I hide it. This is a diary of a hollow person. This is my way of survival over the years. When it is true, it is true and it is false. When it is true and it is false, it is true and it is true.
When a person loses the freedom and flexibility of human nature, even small things like WeChat chat and Moments, he always has to think about it again and again. One more sentence or one less sentence, whether he should post it or not. When he should have a deeper and deeper control over his life, he should even eat apples or noodles first; he should take his left foot first or right foot first; he will be confused whether he should walk from the left or the right. A female patient picked up 50 cents in a restaurant. She originally wanted to collect it, but she was anxious. After all, this violated her morality and finally gave it to the boss.
The so-called "good person" is nothing more than suppressing one's own emotions to maintain the illusion of a good person, which not only deceives others but also deceives himself. Behind this harmless image of humans and animals, too much anger and dissatisfaction with others and the world has actually been suppressed. But he did not dare to show his humanity, and even realized that when a female patient discovered in her analysis that there was actually a selfish, stingy and narrow-minded heart hidden under her holy appearance, she suddenly collapsed and rolled on the ground because she did not dare to face it. This was herself.
The more a person hides behind the holiness, the more a suppressed and twisted soul is hidden deep in his heart. He would feel that he had two selfs, one was cruel and the other was holy. He only dared to give others the white part, while he was deeply suppressed by the black part, and sometimes even he himself did not realize its existence. The more a person portrays himself as a good mother, a good father, a good leader, a good colleague, and a good child, the less love he has in his heart. The external emotions only cover up the indifference and distortion in his heart. Therefore, when a "good mother" is unobedient and does not develop according to her expectations, she will curse the child in her dream and wake up, or dream of pushing open the child's door, and the child is dead. At this time, I was not surprised at all. After all, the child is just a tool to maintain her perfection. When the child destroys her perfect image and requirements, she will of course be furious.However, because she had a good mother, she suppressed her anger, but the anger did not disappear and could only be expressed dramatically in her dream. She just should be serious, powerful, holy, perfect, tear off these masks, and deep inside her, it is actually empty, deserted, and even dark, without a trace of light.
Even if the patient realizes the pathology that should be with the standards, he still can't stop. After all, this power wants to make him better and be good in all aspects. As long as he cannot accept his badness, he will rely on this power and be instructed by him. Therefore, it should be compulsory, which is no different from the persecution of farmers by landlords, and the whip in the Nazi concentration camp. When evaluating this atrocity, a patient said: It was like shoes made of crystal and clothes made of steel. Even if they didn't fit, he still had to stuff them inside. Even if his body was already covered in blood, he wouldn't care.
Because the false self is a pieced together handicraft, it looks beautiful, but in fact it is not an organic whole, so it is contradictory - the conflict between various instructions that should be used and reality. These conflicts will destroy his organic integrity as a person and eventually turn into inner tear.
He should be normal, behave well, have a good image, surpass others, should not suffer losses, cannot be worse than being others, but cannot be disgusted. But these should be incompatible in themselves. After all, a person cannot be harmonious but cannot suffer losses; he must be a strong man and a saint; he must be above others and make others feel that he is well-educated. For example, a patient began to try to maintain the harmony between people and people. In life, he would endure it everywhere, but after suppressing it for a while, he felt that his self-esteem was hurt, so he would find a way to retaliate against the other party, but the revenge caused him to panic, which was inconsistent with the perfect image he had maintained before. And after treatment, he realized that excessive obedience and obedience were abnormal, and he had normal actions, so he forced himself to never be a good person. As a result, he became abnormal and began to "rebellion" - any obedience to others' arrangements was considered pathological by him. At this time, he wanted to quit his job because his mother arranged the job; he wanted to change the child's name because his wife chose it; he wanted to eat noodles, and if his father made rice , then he must vomit it out. After accumulating for a while, he realized that he was guilty. The court in his heart declared himself guilty. He felt that he had hurt others. After that, he felt guilty and wanted to compensate others. However, after the compensation behavior, he felt that this was a manifestation of cowardice. Then he began to conflict with others, and the repeated repetition would never end.
not only should and should, but also conflicts with nature. A male patient, he asked himself to become an absolute strong man - he cannot be bullied, hurt, and cannot admit defeat. He should not be at the mercy of others like those weak. Once he suffers a loss, he must return it even more. He wants those who have hurt him to crawl at his feet and beg for mercy. At this time, he was like a fighting warrior, and he focused all his energy on maintaining his self-esteem. So the small things in the eyes of others involve face and self-esteem in him, and he must fight back. For example, whether it is walking or driving, he never gives way, because it is like he loses. Even if he walks by someone, he must contradict him and not give way, so that he can appear fearless; when looking at others, he must wait for others to take the initiative to look away, otherwise it is like he is afraid of the other party; if others pass the 38th parallel or the gap in the position in the classroom is larger than him, he will squeeze back; when he is a show host, he must also be in the C position, and once he does not meet his strongest person's obligation, it will cause his panic and anger. His anger will not only turn into a revengeful impulse towards others, but also target himself. At this time, he will laugh at himself: You are so weak, and even someone dares to bully you.
But this made him tear apart. After all, it became a conflict between the strength of his performance and the weakness in his bones. He just pretended to be strong, not really strong. Although he seemed to be covered in thorns, he was very panicked inside. He was afraid of being beaten and killed, and was worried that he would become the cowardly person he looked down upon again.
Ideal self is like a well-decorated store or a well-decorated company account. Behind all this is a black-hearted sweatshop, a devil holding a whip, constantly whipping, intimidating, coercing, and tempting him.
If he didn't see the evil of the inner demon clearly, he did not hate these who oppressed him, but he hated himself who could not achieve his rightful self. No matter how small the matter is not fulfilled, it will trigger his strong self-blame and self-attack. This type of attack can be manifested in many forms, including mild self-blame and inferiority, moderate self-hate, and extreme self-destruction. It should seem to have become his personalized law and rules and regulations, and there should be no violation, otherwise he will judge himself in his heart.
So the patient often regrets and reflects. If he does something bad during the day that makes him dissatisfied with it, he will fall into deep self-blame and sometimes even wake up in his dream. In order to avoid making mistakes, he will monitor his words and deeds regularly, as if his eyes are constantly staring at him. He seems to be living in the plot of the movie " eavesdropping storm ". His every move is being monitored. Once any "illegal behavior and thoughts" are arrested, it seems that there is an East German National Intelligence Agency " Stasi " who is controlling himself with horror authoritarian .
Once the inner demon's instructions (should) are not implemented, then he will be ruthlessly whipped and even want to destroy himself. But the sad thing about the patient is that he has been brainwashed by the inner demon and should be controlled. He often thinks that what he should be and what he thinks, but he loses the ability and motivation to resist, blindly belittles himself, thinking that he is incompetent and useless.
There seems to be a voice in his heart that has been criticizing him, denying him, and mocking him. No matter how he does it, he cannot achieve the ultimate perfection of the voice. For example, a female patient, although her eyes have undergone three cosmetic surgery, she still has the urge to continue the surgery because the voice still says that her eyes are not perfect and natural enough. Later she studied psychology. When she was consulting for others, the voice was still criticizing her for not having enough theoretical knowledge, although her patients were very satisfied with her. She realized that there would be a voice behind her asking and accusing him when she did anything. If she simply stopped doing it, the voice still did not let him go, and was still blaming her for being incompetent and escaping. When she calmed down, she suddenly realized that this was very similar to the tone of her mother's harsh criticism when she was a child. No matter how hard she tried or how perfect she was, she would always be an ugly and incompetent waste in her mother's eyes.
This kind of self-judgment sometimes has the characteristic of lag, that is, settlement of accounts after autumn. When he has failures and shortcomings, is hated by others, or is disrespectful to him, these small things are often not taken seriously in the eyes of ordinary people, but they will continue to accumulate in the hearts of patients and explode to a certain extent. For example, a patient even wants to chop off his fingers, and the things that cause the conflict are often because he has said bad things about others before, has had conflicts with relatives, and has stingyly not distributes the fruit to his mother-in-law or fantasizes about having an ambiguous relationship with others. Therefore, patients are very prone to collapse, and their symptoms include depression attacks. They grab their hair and crawl on the ground. They will bite, beat, cut with a knife, or bump their heads against the wall. This seemed to have become a means to calm his inner conflict and a way to relieve stress. When unsuccessful things accumulate to a certain extent, they will burst out uncontrollably.
Patients will also externalize this strong self-condemnation and hatred, believing that others are hostile to him, look down on him, and even want to hurt him.For example, when a patient cannot hear clearly what others say, he is always worried that others are scolding him or saying he is sick. At this time, he will forcefully ask someone to say it again. Even if someone responds to him, he is still worried and thinks that the other party has not told the truth. Of course, this hostility does not come from the outside world, but from the inside - it is not that others hate him, but that he has always hated himself in his heart.
Sometimes, self-hate will also be reflected in dreams, such as, he will dream of feces and garbage running to himself. When it is serious, he can even hear a voice saying in a third tone: You have failed so much, why haven’t you died yet?
A female patient had a dream like this: a woman she hates, she can't remember her face, but she hates her, and she and a man killed her. Afterwards, she was very proud because she went back on the bus and did not drive her own car. She thought the police would not find her in this way. Maybe the woman in the dream who can't see her face clearly is herself. The more a person wants to live in his perfect self, the more he wants to "kill" this imperfect guy in reality.
When a patient cannot meet the instructions he should do no matter how he does, and cannot evade his own punishment no matter how he does, then he can only alleviate the conflict by procrastinating, evading and dependence. After all, you won’t make mistakes without doing it. A patient procrastinated severely. For example, he would not submit his graduation thesis until the last moment, and he never took the school exam. On the one hand, he thought that the school exam was meaningless and too simple, and did not represent his own level. On the other hand, he was worried that reality would test his abilities and make him realize that he was not as good as he imagined. He maintained his conceit through evasion and procrastination, and also avoided the pressure and punishment that did not meet the right time. Therefore, he never dared to live seriously, after all, he would lose as soon as he was serious.
Some patients also try to escape from reality, life, and responsibility, and use this to escape from what should be, but as long as it should be, it is not a place to escape wherever it should be. For example, a male patient immigrated to the United States because he could not stay in China anymore because he had too many failures here, such as when he was a student, when he failed in business, when he pursued girls, and he was also aging constantly. He fantasized that he could start over in the United States and not have to face his own failure.
As soon as he arrived in the United States, he breathed for a while, but over time his frustration began to accumulate slowly. For example, although he always tried to be a perfect father, he could not do everything in reality. Therefore, he felt that he was not a good father and felt a strong sense of indebtedness to his daughter in his heart. In order to avoid this negative emotion, he fled back to China from the United States, but his wife's phone call aroused his new guilt. He felt that this would not accompany the child to grow up, not meet the responsibility of a good father, and not fulfilling a man's responsibilities to his family. He began a new self-hate and believed that his crimes could not be forgiven.
In the end, he could only relieve his anxiety through drugs and women, but this touched his right as a good person. The way to relieve anxiety eventually became the last straw that crushed him. He eventually became a "sinful" person, thinking that he was not worthy of living in this world. But according to his perfect standards, how many people in this world are worthy of living?
A patient wrote: A borer has grown in his heart, and it has been eroding my heart, making me devastated and full of holes. This borer is a high standard, strict, and even non-human requirement. If you don’t know anything, you will be inferior. If you don’t understand something, you will be humble. If you don’t do it well, you will be entangled for a long time. You always criticize yourself and think that you are not good. I am actually better than many people. If I put my standards on anyone, they will not live anymore! It is obvious that an ordinary person uses non-human standards to demand herself every day, but it would be strange if she is not in pain to death! I can always pick out the faults, always aim at my own or others' shortcomings at a glance, my eyes are extremely sharp and full of scrutiny.A person who is prone to inferiority does not mean that she is really not good enough, but that her standards are too high and she can never reach it, so she will never be satisfied with herself. My standard assumption is 100, and others’ standard is 30. I can have 60 myself. With other people’s standards, I am naturally confident! What I shouldn't be inferior to is not me, but this high standard.
If the patient cannot meet these "high standards" by no means work, he will choose to rely on it. Relying on a person who seems perfect and powerful seems to become a kind of redemption for himself. At this time, he will be unable to make decisions on his own, have difficulty making choices, and rely on the strong and authority. When he was a child, he was dependent on his parents, and then he was a self-conceited friend in a certain stage of life. After marriage, his spouse might take on such a role. If he started psychotherapy, the therapist would become the object of his dependence. There are two benefits to dependence. First, it reduces the probability of making mistakes; second, even if you make a mistake, it is not his own fault, but the person who comes up with the advice, so that he will avoid inner punishment.
At this time, he will tell the trivial matters in life to the objects he depends on, and ask them to help him make decisions and choices. Even if these things are not important, such as whether he should delete a WeChat message from someone he hates, and whether he can reject a friend. Patients like
often grow up in a depressed family, with a strong mother or father (generally mothers are the most). This parent is often very controlful and teaches him how to do everything. After doing it, he will continue to correct him without getting tired of it, and insists that the child do what he thinks. Once the child is not under his control, he may scold him, become indifferent, and may make the child feel guilty by crying. Even if a female patient is in high school, she cannot decide what kind of clothes she buys or what hairstyle she should combed. Even when taking photos, her mother directs her to use her expression. Even if she is in college, her mother still calls each day, one call every hour, and asks her to report what she did on this day. Although she was also very annoyed, it became a habit. Her "umbilical cord" was still not cut off. When encountering problems that she was difficult to solve, she would habitually ask her mother for her opinions, so that she and her mother became a pair of pathological partners.
If you want to get out of your proper control, you must let go of your fantasy in your ideals and deepen your corresponding understanding in every pain and struggle. If he can let go of some of his responsibilities, he will probably have a broadened limit of his life and his freedom will inevitably be expanded, so every step of his efforts is worth it.
As the self-knowledge deepens, sooner or later he will realize that what he should not be what he really wants, nor will he make him happy, it will only bring him endless pain and struggle. When he finds that he is like a puppet and a vassal without any freedom or rights, he will develop sympathy for himself and desire for freedom. This is probably the real constructive force.
