In the real world, my relatives and friends don’t know that I am a patient with severe depression. On the contrary, in their eyes, I am very sunny and talkative, and often even enlighten them. I am a sunny depressed patient with .
On the headlines, I completely presented my current situation. Writing my past pain in words is a kind of catharsis and a kind of self-salvation. After all, too much past squeezes into my heart is too painful.
I am ranked at home. My parents gave birth to me when they were forty years old. They can be said to be very fond of me. My brothers and sisters are much older than me, and they treat me very well. I was born in a good era. When I was a child, I didn’t go hungry like my brothers and sisters, and my father even bought me biscuits and fruit candy.
My family is harmonious, my mother is a typical good wife and mother, and my father loves me more than my brothers and sisters. But my happy life is over until my marriage.
I chose the man myself, and I married him against my family’s advice. I thought he would cherish me, especially when all my family disagreed, I didn’t bother him, didn’t bother him, didn’t bother him, didn’t bother him, did not bother him, nor did I say he was ugly, and I unswervingly married him. I thought he wouldn't let me lose, but I didn't expect that he would let me lose completely and be completely useless.
The day of marriage, because it was nothing wrong, he yelled at me with all the guests. From that day on, my nightmare-like life began.
1. Belittle me endlessly and suppress me
I am not very beautiful, but I am not ugly either. Wedding photos at weddings can compare the appearance difference between us. I have thick eyebrows and big eyes, he has small eyes and high eyebrows and many whites. At that time, people in their village said that he was lucky to marry a wife like me. I think he was proud at that time.
In theory, he should hold me in his palm, but he wants to step on me.
First of all, he always scolded me when doing housework. First of all, he believed deeply in his heart: "Housework is a natural thing for women." So he is very macho at home.
Most other people's families cook by men, or couples do it together. He doesn't know what he does. He only knows how to watch computers when he goes home, plays small games on the computer, or plays Landlord who doesn't spend money.
I always cooked the meal, brought it to the table, and called him "you're going to eat." The house is not big, and he can hear it every time, but he basically doesn't agree and will not come to eat immediately. He always has to sink for a while before coming to eat.
He was picking up problems while eating. He either said that the dishes were salty, or said that there were too many dishes, or said that the dishes were expensive, or the taste was not authentic. He even blamed me for placing the dishes. He said that after the dishes are put on the plate, they should empty the middle of the plate. He said that the dishes can cool quickly. As of now, I have lived to be fifty years old, and I have never seen anyone dig a hole in the middle of the dish on the plate. Am I really ignorant? I was criticized by him and often doubted myself.
After dinner, he usually goes to the kitchen first and looks casually. In fact, he is going to check how I cleaned the kitchen. If it's OK, or if he's in a good mood, he won't say anything and go back and continue playing with the computer. If it happens to be when he is in a bad mood, the kitchen will not catch his eye. He would say angrily, "There is no good habit at all. When he saw the mess, he wouldn't clean up while cooking?"
At first, when he was criticized by him, I retorted, "Sometimes I'm busy cooking and can't be busy at all. If you don't believe me, try." When he heard my argument, he immediately yelled in anger, "Damn it, you are also a modern woman with a college graduate and knowledgeable and culture. Don't you know what 'coordinated planning' is? After the planning is done, the food is prepared, and the food is prepared, and the cleaning is clean."
I scolded me when I heard him, and I must be angry. Of course, the two of them will quarrel, and I will attract his very vicious and unpleasant abuse.It’s not that I can’t curse people, but I’m ashamed to say that I think we are all raised by our parents in life, so how can we scold them? So every time he quarreled, he would scold me in an extremely ugly way, and I ended up in failure and compromise. He was scolded by him and felt extremely painful inside, and he felt sorry for his parents.
has been around for a long time. In order not to be scolded by him, I will do as much as possible as possible as possible as possible as possible. Not only are cooking and cleaning up the kitchen, but everything at home is gradually being done as he said. I was more about calming down the situation, but he thought he was talking about the truth and I gave in.
I compromised and gave in to housework, but I didn’t get a quiet life.
My aunt has four sons, all of whom are my cousins. My cousins are all very capable, some are officials and some are big bosses, but my family and my aunt are not in the same county town, and they don’t walk much when they are fine.
After he knew that I had such a rich relative, he kept encouraging me to contact my cousin more, but I felt that contacting others was just disturbing me if I had nothing to do. I don't agree with his point of view. So for many years he has ridiculed me and mocked me: "You are digging a well in the yard, and you are not asking for anything. You are not good at dealing with others at all. You and your family are all this kind of virtue."
Look, he not only said that I was not, but also scolded my family.
has been criticized a lot, and I also doubt that I really can’t deal with people? However, I will no longer behave in the world. At least I still have three or five friends and best friends. Everyone can help each other when there is something happening, but he doesn't even have a real friend. In his heart, he didn't trust anyone, was wary of it, looked down on anyone, always said that someone was not at all good, didn't know how to manage it at all, etc.
In addition, we also have great differences on the issue of educating children. He believes that as long as he works hard to cultivate his daughter, he can be admitted to Tsinghua University and Peking University. If he doesn't pass the exam, it would be my mother's dereliction of duty and will not be able to educate her.
However, I think people have different talents. Most of the children who can get into Tsinghua and Peking University have certain talents. To put it bluntly, it is because of genetic reasons. It cannot be achieved by hard work. He and I are the most ordinary people. Our IQ is average, and the children are average. She doesn’t have that ability, and she even uses her energy to drive her crazy, and she can’t do it. And he said that I was incompetent and delayed my child.
There was a very ridiculous one. It was a winter morning. After I sent my child to school, he was drinking water with a teacup when he got home. When I saw me coming back, I forgot what he said. Anyway, I only remember him saying, "Look at the wife of Jack Ma . I silently contributed and supported behind Jack Ma. Jack Ma's achievements today were because he married a good wife. I have ruined my life in your hands."
"It turns out that you can't be a success." Is Jack Ma delaying you because I delayed you? "I retorted, and then continued, "You are also a person with a daughter and you will get married in the future. If your son-in-law criticizes your daughter in the future, how would you feel? And you also have two sisters. If your brother-in-law also criticizes your sister like this, do you like to listen? You are also a person with several nieces and nieces. If..."
"Bang"
Before I finished speaking, he smashed the teacup in his hand to the ground and a piece of the floor was smashed. Then there was another ugly curse. After scolding him, he fell to work.
I was so angry that I shivered all over, and that time I also gave up. I threw the kitchen plate and bowl all over the floor and went to work.
In addition to not belittled me in terms of appearance, he also belittled me in all aspects, multiple angles, and long-term belittled and suppressed me. Over time, I was really changed by him.
Because I grew up being spoiled by my family, I am very sunny and cheerful and confident.When I was a student, I actively participated in school cultural and sports activities, composition competitions, and speech competitions, and my grades were pretty good, so I have always been a confident and optimistic person with a light in my eyes and dreams in my heart. In my unit, I also did my job very seriously and responsibly. My leaders and colleagues all recognize my abilities and character. However, after living with him for more than ten years, my eyes became dim and my face turned gray and yellow. I was concerned about my work, for fear that he would pick something wrong.
It turns out that I always thought that no one could change anyone, but I was transformed by this man, or I compromised.
We all know that we should encourage and praise children more. In fact, adults also need to be encouraged, recognized, and also need a sense of accomplishment. After I was controlled by his mental control for more than ten years, I felt that I became ugly, and I was no longer the woman who raised her head and walked with the wind.
2. Household violence and cold violence alternately
He is a very honest person. All outsiders think so, and I also think so before getting married. Really knowing his true face was discovered in his long-term life.
The first time he hit me was when my daughter was a few months old. One morning, after a few quarrels about something inconspicuous, he pressed me on the bed and punched me on my left eye, causing my left eye to be congested for a week.
I was so scared at that time. I didn't expect him to hit me. I didn't even fight back, and I knew I was crying and my heart was chilling.
After he hit me, he went to work. I think he would reflect on his behavior, and I was waiting in my heart for him to apologize to me. But I overestimated my position in his heart.
not only did he not apologize to me, but he had been ignoring me for more than a month and just pretended that I didn’t exist at all. He should eat and drink every day, and he would tease his children if he had nothing to do. When outsiders came to visit him, he would just never look at me or ignore me. Later I took the initiative to say what I said to him.
If we talk about which one is more hurtful, domestic violence or cold violence, I think it is cold violence. Domestic violence is physical harm. As long as it does not endanger life, the wound will heal one day. However, cold violence is a destruction of the soul and a permanent damage that invades the bone marrow and cannot be restored at all. After divorced him for so many years, I feel very suffocated whenever I think of the cold violence I have suffered.
On the New Year's Eve when the child was three years old, we rented a house, only one bedroom and a kitchen, and a stove was created in the house. On the afternoon of New Year's Eve, I took a shower in the house because I sprinkled the water on the ground. He was so angry that he was so angry that he scolded me, "I just got the water on the ground and wiped it myself. Do you want to find trouble on New Year's Eve?"
He heard me rebuttal and pressed my head to the head of the bed and hit him critically. The three-year-old daughter was next to him. The child was so scared that he didn't dare to move, and he didn't even dare to cry. My daughter, who is now 22 years old, still remembers the incident when he beat me that day.
New Year's Eve for a family of three is like this, but I still forced myself to cook and make dumplings at night because I really want to erase the fear in my child's heart.
Our daughter went to her parents' home to pay New Year's greetings on the second day of the Lunar New Year. That day, our family of three went to pay New Year's greetings to my parents. Although we ignored each other, we did not look at each other in front of our family. My parents treated him warmly. Seeing my parents treat him so well, I really want to find a place to cry.
Next is another cold war that is far away. The home is suffocating and madly low.
During the Spring Festival in 2007, it was also New Year's Eve, because I asked him to help me roll the dumpling skin. I don't know why this angered him. He ran towards me like crazy and scolded him, saying the most shameless and ugliest words in the world that I can't forgive him forever. I really wanted to kill him by raising the knife. It was my daughter who grabbed my trouser legs tightly to calm me down.
In the subsequent cold war, I no longer wanted to talk to him, and I didn’t want to say a word at home.
One night, he suddenly wanted to be intimate with me, and I instinctively rejected him. Unexpectedly, he actually said, "You are so shameless. I will give you a step forward, but you will not be ashamed."
is a shame, a great shame, being with such a devil is really my incompetence and a lifetime of humiliation.
Another time was very sad. He lay in bed to educate me, accused me, sarcastically me, and mocked me. I kept turning my back to him, and I didn't say a word, responded, and didn't refute. But even if I was so angry, I couldn't help but vomit. He raised his voice and said, "Did you hear me?" "I heard me," I said coldly. He suddenly moved me over to face him, and he actually threw me a mouth.
I could no longer bear it and started fighting with him. We stopped until the child heard the noise in her room. I was beaten by him and my body was blue and purple.
In fact, many times at night, I thought about quietly strangling him with a rope while he was asleep, but reason told me that I could not, it might be easy for me to strangle him, so I also have to kill someone to pay my life, and then my child will become orphans, and I can't leave the child alone.
3. He has no pity for me
Under the long-term physical and mental torture, I first had hyperthyroidism, which was very serious. At that time, a very obvious lump appeared on the right side of my neck, with bulging eyes and eating a lot, but I was very thin.
I went to the hospital for a test myself, and the doctor said I had hyperthyroidism, and it was already in a moderate degree. The doctor prescribed me the medicine and told me to take it on time. After I got home, I told him that I had hyperthyroidism. He said, "Don't think about it yourself. You can eat or drink so that you can't tell if you are sick. You are just looking for trouble if you have nothing to do."
When I was working in 2006, my hands trembled so much that I could affect my work. When eating, the food you hold will fall to the ground because of shaking hands. I told him that I wanted to resign and cure my illness first. When he heard that I wanted to resign, he was very angry, "You are actually just lazy, don't want to go to work, don't want to make money, so you can find a problem for yourself." He refused to let me quit.
In May 2006, I could no longer hold on and resigned myself and went to the hospital for medical treatment. From then on, he ignored me for half a year and found trouble at home for no reason.
For a long time, I have a chest pain when I get angry. Sometimes I feel that fire is blowing out from the inside, especially my left chest is particularly strong. I was found to have breast hyperplasia again. Of course he didn't think I was a disease.
In the winter of the following year, I had lumbar disc herniation because my job was to sit in front of the computer for a long time and I had almost no time to do it. Long-term sitting leads to lumbar disc herniation.
At that time, I just felt so painful that I couldn't sit still, and I didn't take it seriously at first. Or, after so many years with him, I have been brainwashed by him. If I can't see a sick person, I will try to endure it as much as possible.
But I couldn't bear it that time, it got worse day by day. It hurts while standing and sitting. I could only go to the hospital for a video check-up, and I realized that this was the problem.
Next, I was bed resting at home, putting water and bread on the head of the bed in advance, and then lying flat. However, I went to the doctor too late, which delayed the condition. It was already very serious at that time, and the painkillers did not work at all.
There were four or five days when I was so painful that I couldn't sleep in black and white. All postures hurt, which affected his sleep at night. He yelled at me: "You can't bear it. If you don't sleep, I still have to sleep. If you don't go to work, I still have to go to work."
I took a lot of effort to get up, moved to the living room, leaning against the radiator , crying silently, tears wet the front of my clothes. Sad to myself: "Not only does he have no love for me, he doesn't even have ordinary pity and sympathy."
4. After the divorce, I found out that I suffered from severe depression
In 2017, I finally tried my best to divorce him. Of course, it was because I made huge financial concessions to succeed.
For some time after the divorce, my child and I felt that the sky was blue, the water was green, and the air became sweet.
But I have been insomnia for a long time and will cry for no reason. My heart is always as breathless as a stone pressing on it. Frequent depression. I feel that living is meaningless.
I felt that I was in a bad mood and went to Anding Hospital for examination, and the result was severe depression. The doctor prescribed me medicine, and this has been taken for nearly four years. My condition is now well controlled, but it has not reached the point of stopping the medicine.
Recalling the half of my life, I was ruined in the hands of that man and in my own hands. I was blind and blind, but I actually chose such a man myself. I paid the price of my life's dignity and health.
