What the avoidant attachment really needs, is the "easy" in the relationship.
He wants to feel relaxed and happy in this relationship, rather than a series of emotions that constrain emotions and behaviors, such as oppression, tension, and sense of responsibility that extend from love.
Avoidant attachments are not a special group. Rather, everyone is an avoidant attachment person of varying degrees.
is just a normal person, we have a higher threshold of avoidance and a stronger endurance.
You think you are positive and optimistic, but when you encounter a very hypocritical and pressing object in the process, you still want to avoid it;
you think you are a master of EQ and are very good at falling in love. But when you meet an extremely lacking love, sensitive and suspicious object, after a long time, you will feel overwhelmed and want to escape.
Therefore, when almost everyone feels oppressed, tense, or dangerous based on their own cognition, their instinctive vigilance will sound the alarm, telling themselves to be careful, to change their way, and to escape.
The same goes for the reverse-the so-called avoidant personality will never have an avoidance to the passionate vegetable seller.
Because despite her enthusiasm, the vegetable seller is a stranger who has nothing to do with her life, and does not constitute any oppression or threat.
So, in the process of getting along with avoidant attachment, you only need to master one rule:
The closer you want to get with him, the deeper the relationship will be established, then in daily life, you The more you have to master the fire conditions of both sides, sometimes even colder and alienated than him, seeking space, belongs to the small fire type.
Then,For avoidant attachment, what does "relaxation" actually mean?
First of all, you need to understand why avoidant attachments want to avoid and what is the source.
They don't need love, intimacy, or emotional needs-but the reason why they are always running away and withdrawing, the root cause of comes from their stress response.
From the perspective of academic research on avoidant attachment in psychology, most avoidant attachments have been told of views such as "dependence is shameful" in childhood.
At the stage when they have not established the three views and thought, their parents instilled in them "do your own things", "don't always disturb adults, find things to play by yourself", "intimacy is not reliable, no one can trust" , "Don't fall in love early, love will only delay things" and other threats.
Therefore, in the subconscious, avoidant attachment groups will deliberately suppress their emotional needs. When they grow up, once they perceive the signal that both parties are approaching in a certain relationship, they will classify it as a negative signal such as "containment, trouble, and unreasonable", and then instinctively withdraw.
At this point, you must completely bypass all the behavioral motives that can cause avoidant attachment to cause crisis, and only do things that make him "rest assured". This relationship will naturally be classified as "relaxed" by him. .
For example:
1. Strong sense of boundary, and does not take the initiative to inquire about his personal affairs
One of the most obvious characteristics of avoidant personality is the super strong sense of boundary.
is like a private realm that they divide for themselves. Once they get close, there is a danger of sounding an alarm. Based on this, when they find that you have a stronger sense of boundary than yourself, they will get a sense of security-at least you are also a fellow, and you will not recklessly break into your own private territory.
so it’s not hard to find out,The friends around avoidant attachment almost all have some traits of avoidant attachment. The same kind of communication is very tacit and tacit. When it is clicked, no one will cross the boundary, which is uncomfortable.
2. Talk less, listen more
When you talk too much and expose too much, you will give the other party a sense of "trusted" accomplishment-but this sense of accomplishment is normal It is pleasant for people, and it is also a red flag for avoidant attachment.
As mentioned earlier, the secret to getting along with avoidant attachment is to boil slowly:
You have to have a temperature, but this temperature must be suitable, it must be gentle, it must be gradual, and the accumulation of less will add up.
So, when you are not sure about the solid relationship between the two sides, the safest way is to talk less and expose less, so as to show your "safety". If the relationship advances, the other party advances as well, and you will cooperate and accept it.
3. Don’t let him feel that he needs to be responsible for you, and don’t expect him
The sense of responsibility is not forced, but when the feelings are in place, a person treats himself The instinct of self-demand.
In other words, if he loves you enough, he will naturally have a sense of responsibility to you-this kind of feeling is generated by him; but if the relationship is not in place, you will make him want to escape.
Therefore, we must find ways to show our independence and show our desireless side. Instead of using temptation to harvest disappointment, disappointment is used to kidnap and blackmail emotionally.
This trick is called to retreat. -You think that you have no desires or desires are regressing. In fact, it is this kind of desirelessness of yours that makes avoidant attachment willing to continue to develop with you.
4. Don’t focus all on him, have your own life and show your independence
or the same sentence: When avoidant attachment feels too heavy on shoulders, just Will want to escape.
When he sees you waiting for him all day, awake at night every day, he is full of his heart and mind. He also knows that this is sweet, but he feels more of a burden. Once the burden appears, you will want to escape.
He prefers to see that you are independent and fearless-because of this, he can't accurately feel his own importance, so he naturally feels that the pressure is not that great.
I am profound, national secondary psychological counselor , translator of the book "Non-violent communication between men and women", member of Dalian Psychological Association, 34 years old, married and childbirth, willing to share my own attitude with you .
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