Friend Yu, known as the "walking jokester".
He is the guests of all parties and an indispensable " atmosphere group ".
Friends are in charge and are happy to call him no matter whether he is in trouble, because there will be no embarrassment wherever he is.
But recently, he was particularly distressed and found me and said:
"In fact, every time I'm hard on the scalp, I'm very tired after the party, and it's accompanied by a burst of shame."
Yu said that whenever I need to "show" in front of everyone, I always feel like I'm being pulled by my neck -
I think it's my own problem, saving the scene is my responsibility, and I force myself into a social bull.
Image source: Pexels
laughed at the topic of not funny, and gave stinky feet to acquaintances who are not so savory.
If you say that the efforts will be rewarded, you can still talk about comfort.
But recently, when he participated in the company's team building, he occasionally heard the comments from his colleagues;
They said: "I will continue to do it later, it's too noisy."
Yu was heartbroken after listening to it.
The social mask he has worked hard to create does not seem to help him integrate well.
On the contrary, it is still a bit thankless.
Even so, he was still very unsure. Should he take off the mask he had trouble creating?
01 Wearing the mask for too long, forgetting your true self
performance is almost a must-have social skills for adults.
Whether it is when receiving red envelopes during the Chinese New Year, it symbolically "no, no need";
or when he heard the owner say "stay for dinner", he lifted his butt and left.
lives in a high-context society where "there is words in words", and each of us passively or actively does "image management".
Source: Pexels
jung said that
personality mask is our "social" side;
is our self-compromise to our background and surrounding environment.
With them, we live more easily.
But the mask is too thick, and it backfires, and I almost forgot my true self. The story of
yu reminds me of myself.
When I was young, I watched cats and mice with the little boy from my neighbor's house;
Two children were eating shrimp strips and huddling on the sofa, feeling so happy. The screen of Tom was just put into the pancakes of falling cheese, and my dad walked in.
I saw the little boy trembling with laughter, and the shrimp crumbs in his mouth choked and coughed;
I was beside me, but I couldn't feel anything funny at all. At this time, my dad shot me with his majestic gaze and said:
"Why do others laugh when watching TV, don't you laugh?
Children should be cheerful, and who should I show you my face all day long?"
That was the first time I felt that it was a guilty of not loving to laugh or having a high laugh.
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This means that you are different from most people, not sociable and unpleasant.
From then on, in unfamiliar social occasions, I will unconsciously wear a mask that "loves to laugh" to make myself look more "easy to get along with".After
for a long time, on many occasions, when everyone makes a neat and consistent laugh, I will hesitate for a half second, and then imitate and make similar sounds.
The sound made me feel strange, very weak and unconfidenced, with a sense of caution and retreat for fear of being exposed.
Until adulthood, read " Human Disqualification " by Dazai Osamu .
When the author described the smile of the protagonist Ye Zang, I realized the most extreme situation of the fake smile. He said -
"Whether it is pretentious, thin, or sarcastic, it is not enough to describe its weirdness."
"The child's expression, the more he looks at it, the more unhappy it makes people feel, and it will feel a little chill before he knows it."
In order to get the attention of his parents, he deliberately wore a red sweater in the summer and walked in the corridor just to get the serious father to take a look.
Dazai Osamu described his "pleasing mask" like this -
Smiling face to welcome people, pretending to be stupid, is his last courtship to mankind.
Image source: Pexels
Just like colleagues and partners to Yu, sociable groups to me, and father to Ye Zang;
We all wore shackles called "others" during the day, walked clumsyly, and then secretly regretted in the night, and spent the day as others did.
"Mask" brings us a moment of peace, but it twists the true soul into a more deformed shape.
Jung believes that on the one hand, it is a symbol of a person's socialization when a personality mask is used;
On the other hand, the personality mask acts on maintaining people's hypocrisy and cowardice.
and cowardice comes from our fear of unknown people or things;
We unconsciously emit a "mask" as defense for fear.
Goffman 's "sub-drama theory" says that on the stage of society and life, everyone cannot avoid performing according to norms and conventions.
The most important thing about html is when you get into the show and when you get out of the show.
I was too deeply involved in the role and I had worn the mask for a long time, so I couldn't help but forget my true self.
02 Why don’t we dare to be real
During the conversation, Yu asked me a question and he said:
"That kind of smile seems to be welded on my face. Remove that layer of shell, I look quiet, cramped and frustrated. Will anyone like it?"
Afraid that the real self is not liked and out of place. It is probably the concern of everyone who dares to take off the mask.
Image source: Pexels
This reminds me of what happened before when I attended an offline party.
I have never been good at dealing with multi-person social scenes. That was the first time I participated in this kind of event, and I happened to be in a bad state.
In winter, when the air is frosty, my palms are already sweating before entering the tea room.
At the beginning, the organizer asked to take turns to introduce himself.
When I arrived, my mind suddenly became blank. I kept stuttering and forgot about the two sentences I reviewed on the subway in advance.
Finally, he only squeezed out a shrunk smile and said embarrassedly:
"Sorry, I'm a little forgotten. To be honest, I'm quite nervous."
After saying that, everyone laughed, and several older seniors expressed tolerance:
"It doesn't matter, it's normal to be unfamiliar with it for the first time."
Before that, I was a cowardly and forced myself to hold on, and I unconsciously put on a "mask";
smiled in a strange occasion, forcing myself to break through my inner anxiety and be the one who took the initiative to make friends.
Image source: Pexels
To be honest, it was very tiring. Every time I went home, I wanted to connect a charging cable to myself, pierced it into my pillow, and waited for three or five days before I recovered.
More importantly, I feel the same as Yu -
tried my best to get close to everyone, and I did a lot of effort on the surface, but my psychological distance was not closer.
But that time I accidentally uncovered the mask and let me see the other side of social interaction.
When participating in the event for the second time, the members exchanged their feelings for the last time.
Several friends mentioned that they have a good impression of me.
Because of my embarrassment and shyness, I seemed to see myself and felt that the distance was very close.
I am very glad that there was that opportunity to hear everyone’s true feelings about each other.
Because of others' judgments, we dare not take off the mask, but after taking off the mask, we found that other people's judgments sometimes will not come as scheduled.
Source: Pexels
Rogers In his "Theory of Personal Formation", people always think that if they want to be liked and valued, they have to be like.
Sociologist White calls this kind of appearance that he has to be due to social pressure "institutional people".
For example:
In social occasions, you must be generous and talkative to be likable;
As a boss, you must be serious and be serious and be like a leader;
As a wife, you need to be obedient, virtuous and gentle to be considered qualified.
These are the effects of the subtle influence of society.
Social subconscious has shaped "shoulds", and these "shoulds" are like iron laws, binding our hearts.
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The fact is that if you can't do these "shoulds", you won't let others stay away from us;
Too obeying "shoulds", becoming hypocritical, and becoming twisted, is the root of the pain.
Rogers said:
In a relationship with others, trying to act in a masked way and maintain something that is different from the inner experience, without any help.
This mask cannot be helpful to others when I try to establish a constructive relationship with others.
You can wear a mask when you get along with each other for a short time, but long-term "constructive relationships" require us to be brave enough to reveal our true selves.
03 Take off the mask and live literally and richly
Maybe some people are curious: What is the real self? How to be considered to be the true self?
becomes the real self, not as it looks on the surface, and needs to become a fixed appearance.
It is a way of life.
As life experience grows, our self is in a process of continuous enrichment and continuous flow.
Image source: Pexels
To "become the true self" is to adapt to the flow of ourselves and maintain a life of being responsible for the true emotions;
We need to acknowledge negative emotions such as fear and shame in our hearts and respond.
In "On the Individual Formation", Rogers proposed "becoming the true self" to pay attention to the following points-
. Accepting complexity
People are complex, the opposite of kindness may be cowardice, and the shadow of courage may be arbitrary.
only accepts positives or only sees negatives, and it is difficult to "realize" it.
There was a time when a friend was around me, and I happened to be in a trough.
During that time, I often felt jealous, which made me feel ugly.
As soon as the feeling of jealousy pops up, I will snatch it out and accuse myself of being "really a bad person."
Over time, not only did that emotion not disappear, but instead made me feel awkward when facing my friends:
acted more "consider" everywhere, deliberately covering up that kind of jealousy.
Image source: Pexels
Later I realized that the suppression of negative emotions will not make our relationship change.
I picked it for an afternoon, sat in front of the computer, immersed myself in the jealousy, and even wrote it down.
Over time, that negative experience seems to have faded away with the text.
and I also took the opportunity to clarify my thoughts and gain a better sense of control over my future life.
Occasionally touches your less "beautiful" side. Don't deny it, that's also part of you. Please stay with it for a while.
. Stay away from "should be "
Rogers gave an example in the book:
A girl always tries to meet all her father's needs, even though her father is bad to herself and never knows how to satisfy her.
She wants to regain her father's care in this way, "As a daughter, you should be kind and obedient."
She dared not admit her hatred for her father, and she was suffering from huge contradictions and torture in her heart.
As the psychological treatment progressed, she became more and more daring to face her heart;
When she faced the hatred, she felt unprecedented ease.
Please take good care of your feelings before becoming a social requirement.
Image source: Pexels
The same is true in social life.
removes the rules of "should be lively", "should be sociable" from the heart, so as to better show your personality and attract people with the same frequency.
. Stay open to experience and do not judge
My dad used to be very resentful of raising cats because he is particularly soft in front of cats.
In his opinion, that is the "cowardice" that should not exist in adult men.
He used to be serious, whether outside or at home.
But since I forcibly entrusted to him, he gradually chose to face his "softness";
often sticks out his butt and lies on the sofa and pats the cat for me to see.
After raising a cat, he became more "live" than before, less cold and stubborn, and was happy to talk to his neighbors.
When facing the "weakness", his personality fragments were unlocked and his whole person became more complete.
Return to ourselves, it is actually the same, because we don’t want to face our own fragility and always reject certain specific experiences.
Little do you know that fragility may bring short-term self-doubt, and behind this may be a broader picture of life.
Image source: Pexels
Finally, I want to give everyone a sentence from Rogers:
The simpler it is to become yourself and accept the inner reality of yourself and others, the more likely it is to inspire more changes.
May we all take off our masks bravely and embrace the warmth and fragrance of the real world.
Author: Qingyun
Source: Internet
First release: Yidianling Psychology
Focus on psychological growth, love you warmly and forcefully
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