01. Readers write to
Hello Brother Kai, I am 27 years old this year and I am now confused about my feelings.
I had a marriage once, has an extreme personality and a very strong temper. My ex-husband is 11 years older than me .
I thought I could tolerate me if I found someone older, but my parents always said that he was mature, steady and good-looking. couldn't resist his parents' advice, so I married him . After
, I found that a man is old and steady, does not mean that he has a good personality.
We divorced only a year and three months ago, and now I have met a man who is 12 years older than me.
The lessons of the past have made me feel wary. I have been dating him for half a year, and his understanding and tolerance in made me feel incredible.
It is easy to get angry because my temper is ignited, but he will not blame me if he comes and goes quickly. He will ask me to get angry first and then come over to coax me.
I like to be cared for by this gentle atmosphere. We lived together for a year later. I think living together can understand whether the living habits of both parties are suitable for each other.
There have been breakups this year, but his family is from the countryside, with two brothers and one sisters, two younger brothers and one sisters, and parents.
Then he works on the work site, and he pays a monthly salary of , no house, no car, no deposit.
My parents have never been optimistic about us, my parents are retired cadres.
I have an older brother who is in a decent family condition.
My parents think he is too old, has an average appearance, and has an unstable job, so I am very entangled on this edge.
I want someone to take care of me, don’t care about me, and tolerate me . I don’t mind his family, I want to create everything that belongs to us with him.
But my parents' obstruction made me very upset. How should I let my parents accept him?
02. Kaizi replied to
Hello, girl, your personality evaluation is that you have an extreme personality and a very strong temper. means that others have given you such evaluations in the past with your parents and others.
In this evaluation, you also position yourself as such a person.
I don’t know if such evaluation affects your criteria for choosing a spouse, causing you to make it a priority for choosing a spouse.
But this can easily lead to your relationship failure , because no relationship can be unconditional tolerant and unilateral efforts.
All good relationships need a prerequisite. Both parties can have stable emotions and are willing to communicate well when encountering things. Only then can they develop mutual compromise, understanding and inclusive feelings.
I can tell you very responsibly that if you can’t do this, it will be a matter of time before your marriage breaks up.
Let’s take a look at the boyfriend you are dating now.
This boyfriend and your ex-husband have a common characteristic, they are much older than you, I don’t know that you will be attracted to a man who is much older than you before you know it.
Combined with your personality and your parents' desire to control you, I think maybe the fatherly love part is incomplete during your growth, so you will unconsciously be attracted to men older than you.
You emphasize that you have an extreme personality and a big temper. It is precisely because you are still a little girl who longs to take care of you. You hope that there will be a mature man to take care of you and pamper you.
You are all placed on this man by your expectations and lack of love. Unrealistic needs such as
are often easily broken after entering intimate relationships, because you are looking for a partner in the end, not your father.
You hope this man will make concessions to you as unconditionally as his father, but for this man, What he wants is his wife, not his daughter.
He can give in to you, but it may be difficult to always let you go, always make trouble and make noise.
But why can this man now?
There are two reasons for this:
1. You have been together for a short time, only half a year, he is still in the passionate love period and has enough patience.
2. The conditions are too different. Whether it is age or family background, he knows that he is not worthy of you. Since the hardware strength is not good, he has to improve his software strength.
The simplest software strength is to be kind to you, to spoil you desperately, and to give you enough emotional value.
It is not difficult to see from these two points that you and him will be happy in the future. This is a very risky thing .
For him, may be his strategy to treat you well at the moment . He is a 40-year-old man who has nothing. Doesn’t he understand the reality of this world, the limitations of his own conditions, and the difficulty of choosing a partner?
I guess he knew it, after all, he was single to 39 years old. If other women could accept it, he would have been married long ago.
So he felt like a mirror in his heart. He knew very well that if cannot be good to you and unconditional tolerance, you will not choose him at all.
Back to your question, you ask me how to convince your parents, this is really difficult.
If you want to change your parents, you should not rely on persuasion. You should rely on his efforts and earn more money and increase your income, so that your parents can change.
In addition to this, what is more important is the way you get along with your partner.
No one is willing to give unilaterally to their feelings. Everyone desires to be loved, paid attention to, and valued.
, especially a man like him who has been failing, he must not be strong enough in his heart, and he needs to be accepted and recognized by women.
Now it may be because he knows that his conditions are not good enough and is willing to treat you twice as well.
But after getting married, after his purpose is achieved, he still cannot get your feedback and rewards. He still needs to constantly soothe your bad emotions and accept your bad temper. How long can he tolerate ?
In addition to this personality problem, there are also life problems between you.
You are willing to create everything in the future with him. This goal is very good. I also admire your determination to share the joys and sorrows with him.
But don't forget, he is 39 years old, and he has not achieved any results in 39 years, and he has not even had a stable job.
When you are young and strong, you don’t get a good chance. How likely is it to suddenly turn around and change the status quo after entering middle age?
Of course, it doesn’t mean that there will be no, it just means that the possibility is not too high.
So you must be with him, you must be able to accept these points:
1. Accept his tolerance for you will change after marriage;
2. Accept yourself to lose your bad habit of losing your temper;
3. Accept him may not make money in the future, and it will not bring too much changes to life. You can think clearly about it yourself before making a decision!
I don’t know what everyone will think. What advice would you give to this girl? Should she insist on being with this man or should she listen to her parents?
Welcome to express your views and opinions in the comment section below.
If you meet someone who treats you well like her, but there are layers of obstacles that cannot get together, can send a private message to me and find me . I will help you analyze it to avoid you making wrong decisions.
