There was a male college student. When he was a freshman, he had a conflict with a classmate in the same dormitory and was knocked down by that classmate. The two of them fought, but he was not as strong as others and was beaten to the ground.
was beaten up, and he was not convinced. He told the teacher that he thought that the classmate should be fired. After investigation, the teacher criticized the classmate, but the teacher said you are responsible. , he couldn't figure it out, thinking that the school was unfair, the teacher favored that classmate, and he hated the classmate who beat him, and in the end he became depressed.
From then on, he stopped attending classes and just lay in the dormitory bed and couldn't get up. He didn't respond when he called him and stopped talking to others. I had insomnia all night and started playing games. Sometimes I went to the streets after leaving school. once actually squatted in a corner, and it was no longer normal.
I was afraid of something happening in school, so I asked my parents to take him back and let him treat him at home. After returning, he made various requests with his parents, especially his attitude towards his father, which became worse and worse, and eventually became as if he had beaten his father.
After a period of treatment, there was no sign of obvious improvement. My parents took him to me and wanted me to talk to my child to give guidance to him.
A family of three sat down here, and I found the problem: the child is very dependent on his mother and very repulsive of his father. Every time he said something, he would look at his mother, and the distance between him and his father was also very far away.
While I was understanding the situation, I learned that my father was very afraid of this child. This child attacked his father many times, beating his father, , and he beat his father, but his mother didn't think the problem was too serious, and his mother also thought that the father was responsible : It was all the way you talk to him, he looked down on you, how about it...
So I communicated with my mother alone.
I said, "How many times did your son beat his father? How many times did he beat him a week and a month?" She said, "At least twice a week, my father didn't dare to go home now."
(Now, it is not uncommon for boys to hit their father. But I want to remind you seriously: boys who hit their father at the level of hitting their father, their psychological problems are quite serious!)
I asked again, "How heavy is he hitting his father the heaviest time?" She said, "Kicked his father to his sensitive part, and then his father went to the hospital for treatment, but found that he was kicked 's internal organ bleeding, it's so serious."
Then I asked again, "When did the child start to be alienated from his father?" She said, "I have been alienated from my father since elementary school. That's because my father doesn't love him and doesn't get close to him." The mother said again, "His father is a coward, his father is incompetent. His father has not set an example for his children."
In fact, this father is an elementary school teacher, and he teaches well, and even becomes the vice principal for a while. He has a very good reputation. Other colleagues in the school love him and respect him very much. But why are your own children beat them at home like dogs?
Finally, I talked to this father alone. He said: "My wife scolds me, curse me casually, scold you whenever you want, scold you whenever you want, scold you whatever you want!"
During the consultation process, I saw with my own eyes how the child's mother scolded this father. Perhaps in the eyes of this woman, her husband is a coward.
After this wife got angry and screamed at her husband, the husband was extremely depressed and shook his head there, showing extreme helplessness. I said on the spot, "You can't say this to the child in front of the child!"
"Look at his cowardly appearance, he is not like a man!" All such words were said in front of me, which shows how unscrupulous she was to curse and insult her husband at home!
I want to make a reminder and a simple analysis here:
If a boy does not respect his father, then there are two possibilities: First, the father is irresponsible and acts recklessly outside, which damages his image in the boy's mind. Second, a father may not be a loser, he may not be a person who acts mischief, or even a very good person. But the mother just looks down on her father and constantly defames her father. The mother's attitude towards her father indirectly and directly affects the child's attitude towards her father.
When the image of the husband in the wife's heart collapses, then the image of the father in the son's heart collapses. The serious consequence is that the father's impact on the child is almost gone.
Any mother must know that the impact of father on boys does not exist. Boys must have problems, and 100% will have problems, and even 99% will not exist! either has gender identity problems, personality problems, psychological problems, or character problems.
Psychologists have found through a large number of studies that fathers play a decisive role in the formation of boys' rationality, the formation of male consciousness, the shaping of male personality, and the degree of socialization, which is absolutely unsubstitutable for mothers.
If a boy is disrespectful, disrespectful, or unloved his father, he cannot become a real man at all.
In addition, if the wife disrespects her husband and the mother disrespects her father, it will lead to another bad consequence, that is, the man will mess with women outside, and his mess with women is revenge on his wife. He is too depressed and cannot get love. If you don’t accept him, he will look for other sustenance outside.
So, there must be a democratic atmosphere in a family. You must know who the head is, and you must have a sense of rules and order. When this sense of rules and order is destroyed, any individual in the family may have problems.
I hope my reminder is valuable to some families!
The picture in this article comes from the Internet If there is any infringement, please contact us to delete
Author profile
Wang Guorong, a psychologist, independent scholar, writer, the founder of China's holistic psychotherapy, and the first person in China's evidence-based psychotherapy. He was the chief academic consultant of the Psychologist Magazine and a senior psychotherapist at Shanghai Boai Hospital . He is one of the most powerful and talented psychologists in China.
has published more than ten influential psychology monographs. Among them, " Breakthrough Treatment of Student Psychological Problems " was listed as a collection of books by hundreds of domestic universities such as Peking University , Tsinghua University , Tsinghua University , "50 Psychological Treatment and Adjustment Methods" won the Most Popular Book Award for Readers in the China College Press Alliance, "10 Most Important Relationships in Life" was listed as a series of books by China Culture Press, and "Shaking Hands with Depression" won the Most Popular Professional Book Award for Readers.
