What is "bundled filial piety"?
is when parents impose the idea of filial piety on you, not to ask you to be filial to your parents, but to make you filial to the people she cares about.
If you dare to show impatience, you will be criticized and educated by your parents until you are obedient.
90s colleague Sun Qian talked about her experience, which is a model of bundled filial piety.
Sun Qian is the only daughter of the family. Her mother has two brothers and one sister. Perhaps because of the eldest son of the family, her mother takes good care of her brothers and sisters.
When Sun Qian was a child, her mother would take the children of her younger brother to the house to take care of her. The family was reluctant to buy meat. When the cousins came, her mother would make braised pork every day. She always said, " It is not easy for your uncle to come to our house. You have to let your cousin eat well."
When Sun Qian grew up, her mother said the most: "You have to go to your uncle's house and your aunt's house often. They love you very much, and you must know how to be filial."
So, as soon as Sun Qian came home, her mother asked her to buy gifts to her uncle and aunt's house. The grade of the gifts should not be bad, and each gift should not be less than 300 yuan.
Once, Sun Qian asked her mother: "I always asked me to visit my uncle and aunt, but I didn't see my cousin visiting you. What are you trying to do?"
"You child, you must not forget your roots. Your uncle and aunt are my family and are also people you want to be filial. In the future, when they are older, you must also take care of your elderly ." Mother's education.
"Why?" Sun Qian drew a question mark in her heart, but she didn't dare to say it.
In addition to letting Sun Qian visit, her mother also helped her family a lot. her cousin bought a house, she lent 50,000 yuan, and her cousin started a business to borrow money. She generously gave 60,000 yuan. This money is the entire savings of her mother. Sun Qian was very worried that she would not be able to take it back. Unexpectedly, her mother said that it would not matter if she could not take it back, but on the contrary, they were all her own people.
Sun Qian doesn't understand why her mother protects her family so much. She is not a selfless person. In addition to being generous to her family, she is very stingy to her relatives at her in-laws' house. Her aunt has a 20,000 yuan discount on opening a store. Originally, Sun Qian's father agreed to borrow it, but she was rejected by her mother because her house was leaking and she needed money.
The mother has also been educating Sun Qian to go more with her uncle and aunt's house. They are caring people. Sun Qian has no experience of whether she is caring or not. She always feels that her uncle and aunt are dependent. No matter how much her mother gives, she will not get the other party's gratitude.
Instead, it is a relative of her father who cares about Sun Qian. When she was in college, her aunt secretly transferred pocket money to her. She liked to go to her aunt's house to play with her cousin, but she was always stopped by her mother: "What's the future for you to play with her? She didn't even go to college. You have to play with her cousin more."
The mother's attitude made Sun Qian disgusted, and she became rebellious. Once when she went home on vacation, she originally planned to sleep in and then have a dinner with her friends. As soon as the sun came out, her mother called her up and asked her to visit her relatives at her uncle's house.
of course Sun Qian didn't want to do it. She brushed her teeth and washed her face, and her mother nagged: " I am still here, are you going to break off your relatives? If you don't go to see my uncle and aunt, where will I put my face? You don't understand the truth. "
Sun Qian feels bound by morality, but she doesn't understand. She has grown up, why can't she have her own thoughts? My mother wants to walk around more with her mother's family, but no one stops her, so why should she take her with her?
If you want to understand your mother's behavior, you can analyze it from the perspective of blood relationship.
The mother has been used to taking care of her younger brother and sister since she was a child, and she has also established emotions in the other party. This emotion is not because the other party needs it, but because she needs the other party herself. In the final analysis, it is a sense of belonging.
In comparison, the in-laws' family is not related by blood. No matter how good she is to her, she will feel alienated. This is why she has to help her parents' family unconditionally.
From the mother's perspective, the mother's family is her backing. If she encounters something, her family will also help. She ignores it. It is difficult for a person to take care of others if he is used to being taken care of.
So, her wish is likely to fail because her younger brothers and sisters have no sense of taking care of her at all.
. She hopes that her daughter will strengthen her connection with her mother's family like herself, and also for the continuation of emotions. She feels that as long as she walks around more, the relationship between the next generation will still be very good.
In fact, this intentional closeness cannot bring each other closer . Most of the post-90s generations are only children. They are used to independent thinking and will not ask their relatives to help when they encounter problems. If it were not for their parents' request, they might not want to visit relatives.
Parents impose their wishes on their children, which is a manifestation of disconfidence. How should we avoid it?
1. Show your position and don’t be a too obedient child . Parents may not be all correct. If you think it is inappropriate, you can patiently explain it to them and firmly reject their requests. Parents will feel uncomfortable at the beginning and gradually understand it.
2. Take advantage of the topic and give an example to illustrate . The mother wants her children to get closer to her mother's family. The purpose is to bring each other closer together. You can chat with your mother while watching TV, integrate the relevant TV plots into reality, so that the mother understands that relatives should also keep a distance. Unconditional help cannot exchange feelings, which will only make you very tired.
3. Expand your horizons and take your mother out for a walk . My mother has always lived in her hometown and is very aware of traditional thinking. She finds opportunities to take her mother out for a walk. Her vision expands and her thinking will change as well.
Summary:
Bundled filial piety is not unfamiliar to us, but many people find it difficult to deal with it well.
On one hand, it is the mother’s requirement, and on the other hand, it is your own feelings. How to balance requires a little wisdom.
We must understand that the reason why mothers care about family affection is because they lack a sense of security in their hearts and want to find more support.
Her starting point is good, but the way it shows may not be correct. We don’t need to be hard-witted, and the communication effect will be better.
Of course, if you don’t like this “bundled filial piety”, you can firmly refuse, because everyone has their own life and should not live in the thoughts of the older generation.
What do you think about this? Can you understand bundled filial piety?
