There is a question on Zhihu: What is emotional loss?
net An An shared his story:
When I was in college in another place, my grandmother passed away. In order not to affect my final exam, my mother told me two months later that when I was narrating, I couldn't help crying loudly, and said to me while crying, "You are quite strong, I thought you would cry."
At that moment, I was scared into a cold sweat. That was my deepest fear, and my secret was closest to the moment of exposure. From then on, I avoided any occasions related to life and death, just because I was afraid that others would ask me, "You are not sad."
Also when I was with my ex-girlfriend, it was really hard for me to understand some of her little thoughts. I don’t understand why she is jealous, acts spoiled, and is inexplicably sad because of trivial matters.
Sometimes I am with her, and I don’t know what expressions should be, what to say, and how to do it.
I learned the way others fell in love, and performed joys, anger, sorrow and happiness to her every day,
But that was not from my heart. I was very tired and I just wanted to stay by myself. For this reason, she broke up with me. Maybe I am not suitable for dating.
Source: pexels
In the intimate relationship with relatives, partners, friends, etc., people with emotional lack of emotions are habitually hiding their true emotions when facing a certain situation.
instead think about the emotions that should be expressed reasonably, and then make actions and behaviors to obtain a sense of belonging and identity in this way.
Therefore, in the eyes of others, they are often self-centered, cruel and ruthless, do not know how to be romantic, and do not know how to be grateful.
In fact, people with emotional deficiencies are also very painful themselves, suffering their own experiences, suffering their own feelings, and expressing their own expressions are pretending and acting.
Today we will talk about the "emotional deficiency" in intimate relationships.
Expression of emotional loss
In the novel " Outsider ", there is a shocking beginning: "Today, my mother died. Maybe it was yesterday, I couldn't figure it out."
is such a sentence that laid the foundation for the protagonist Morseau's indifferent personality traits in the eyes of others. He is always indifferent to people and things and is out of the matter.
What ordinary people think is important is not important at all in his eyes.
Faced with family affection, news of his mother's death came, and he didn't care about the exact day his mother died.
At the funeral, he did not shed a single tear, and refused to look at his mother for the last time. His mother left immediately after being buried and did not observe silence in front of her grave.
On the night of the vigil, he smoked, napped, and drank his favorite milk coffee without showing any grief.
Source: pexels
Facing love, his girlfriend Mary asked him if he loved him, and he replied that such words were meaningless.
girlfriend Mary proposed to him and said, "It's okay to get married or not. As long as you want it, we will get married."
Mary asked, if another woman proposed to you, your relationship with that woman was like you and me, would you accept it? His answer was "of course".
Mary said: "Marriage is a serious matter", and he retorted: "No".
Morso did not show any grief about the death of his close relative. To others, he was simply heartless;
Morso took a casual attitude towards marriage and love, and many women might rush up to label him a "scumbag".
Source: pexels
Morseau has such an attitude because of his emotional lack to some extent, which makes him think that everything is meaningless. He is a firm nihilistic person.
Psychologically, emotional deficiencies refer to psychological disorders caused by certain family or social factors.
It is not a disease, but a state of life.
In intimate relationships, people with lack of emotions often have these manifestations:
lacks compassion and empathy, and it is difficult to empathize with others' laughs or tears, and are full of hostility and coldness towards the outside world.
is mean and straightforward, and he will not say considerate words to his partner. He would rather be silent than express his opinion, but his attitude is inevitable that he is direct and real.
completely question the value and meaning of love. If you don’t believe in love, it will also affect the people around you.
Keep a feeling of love and even feel that you can live better by yourself. Having a partner is a very troublesome and scary thing.
has inferiority complex, is not confident and does not trust others easily, is not good at socializing with others, and often feels lonely. But once they choose to trust a person, they will spare no effort to trust him, so they are easily exploited or deceived by others.
Source: pexels
It can be seen that people with lack of emotions lack a lot of interest in intimacy.
They don’t want to maintain any relationship, they feel that their emotions are superficial, they don’t want to deal with others, they like to be alone, and the relationships around them are superficial.
And every time the relationship goes further, I will retreat reflexively. I always want to cry but don’t know where to cry, and there is nothing to comfort my soul.
No one can even talk about it, and the whole world seems to be the only one left.
Therefore, in order not to be abandoned by the world, people often wear masks to perform their joys, anger, sorrows, and joys.
But they gradually forgot that true feelings do not need to become a "performance". No need for catering will only make your heart tired, so tired that you forget how you truly love and feel.
Although emotional deficiencies are just a life state that is different from normal people, long-term self-inner closure will still bring some psychological problems.
Source: pexels
Original family, emotional loss caused by
In fact, many people are not born with emotional loss, but lack of growth, that is, something is missing during the growth process.
But there is no chance to make up for it after adulthood, so I can only rely on imitation.
And this kind of thing is essentially love, it is love that originally came from the original family.
may be fatherly love, motherly love or love between parents. Any lack of love may trigger a person's emotional loss.
The Qiao brother and sister in the TV series " The Children of the Qiao Family " have caused great psychological trauma to their mother because their father died very early and their father neglected to raise and accompany them.
Among them, the eldest brother Qiao Yicheng was the first to be sensible and shoulder the burden of taking care of his younger brother and sister, and suffered the greatest emotional deficiencies.
Source: pexels
Since childhood, he lacked maternal love and was unable to seek fatherly love. No one taught him how to love, which caused him to feel insecurity and inferiority complex.
Therefore, when Qiao Yicheng became an adult, he developed a basic sense of distrust of others, always kept a distance from his father, and was even more cautious about the emotional life of his younger brothers and sisters.
He does not understand the master-disciple love of Erqiang, and will also suppress the four beauties' dare to love and hate. He will judge with his lack of emotions. Many loves are not reliable.
But once he chooses to believe in someone, he will spare no effort to believe him.
In his marriage to Ye Xiaolang, he passively accepted the confession because both of them were influenced by their original family and lacked the necessary sense of security.
Two insecure people are together, just like two thorny hedgehog embracing,
The outside world is full of uneasy changes, which will make them stand up the thorns on their bodies to protect themselves.
Finally, Ye Xiaolang went abroad alone and the two divorced.
Source: pexels
famous developmental psychologist Elik Erikson Research on personality development theory can well explain this attitude towards emotions influenced by the original family.
He proposed that for a baby, to meet his needs, even existence itself depends on those who take care of him.
If the baby's needs are met, he will develop a "basic sense of trust."
If the facts are exactly the opposite, the baby's needs are not met, or the mother's sudden death or departure leads to his emotional loss.
He may develop a basic sense of distrust towards others and develop an exaggerated sense of anxiety about the change and unpredictability of the world.
Source: pexels
To the early adulthood (17 or 18 years old-age years old), that is, the intimacy with others - combing stage, it is easy to lack intimacy with others, be very alienated from one's own emotions, and lack connection with the physical experience.
"If a person cannot share happiness and pain with others, and cannot communicate thoughts and emotions with others;
does not care and help each other, he will fall into a distressing situation of loneliness."
This is also the direct consequence of emotional lack. We must fill it consciously so that we will not lose ourselves in intimate relationships and alienate our emotional connection with others.
Source: pexels
How to awaken emotional experience?
psychologist Jung believes that
"We are not only shaped by our own past, but are both affected by the dual influence of the past and the future at the same time."
In order to get rid of the constraints and transform into true free energy, we need to fundamentally solve the problem and awaken our emotional experience.
1. Accept yourself and stop catering to
First of all, face up to the lack of emotions in your own way, try not to treat them as problems, and accept them to relieve yourself.
Secondly, whether or not emotional is missing is not the key. Everyone has their own lifestyle, either because they are different from others or are wrong. Stop cater to others, take off their masks, and express joy, anger, sorrow, and happiness in their own way.
In fact, in an intimate relationship, what is more important than catering is communication and listening. Sit down with the people close to you, let others walk into your heart and understand you, and let yourself discover the hearts of the people around you,
understand the feelings they have given to you, and then slowly integrate into their world to awaken the emotional experience in the intimate relationship.
Source: pexels
2. Self-awareness, learn to heal itself
Self-awareness means that a person begins to transcend his own mind, let the perceived self differentiate from the mind, and recognize his own mind as an object.
must be aware of your true inner thoughts and the impact of your family environment on yourself.
After realizing it, if you want to get out, you have to pull yourself and use the " Mindfulness " method to feel your breathing, carefully distinguish the colorful world, listen to the birds in the morning, and touch the hair of small animals.
Ask yourself if you want to drink water, do you want to go out for a walk, or you still want to stay at home to read books, watch TV or play games.
Source: pexels
Ask yourself if you feel uncomfortable and need a massage or a physical examination.
Ask yourself what you did today, whether there are any moments that make you feel good, what bad emotional experiences are there, find the source of bad experiences, and eliminate it.
Life is actually a process of pleasing yourself.
We may not be able to change the environment, but we can change ourselves; we cannot change the past, but we can grasp the present; we cannot go smoothly, but we can do our best in everything.
As Camus said at the end of "The Outsider":
"In life, you should never act like a fake."
instead of performing joys, angers, sorrows and happiness every day, it is better to take off your mask, experience it carefully, communicate with others carefully, and find your true self.
Author: Qimiao Mama
Source: Internet
First release: Yidianling Psychology
Focus on psychological growth, love you warmly and forcefully
