A healthy relationship is reciprocity, equality, respect, independence and a sense of boundaries. We hope to live in life with a relaxed life, hard work is seen, difficult to understand, successful praise, and appreciation for doing things, but reality often goes against our wishes, so the smoke of gunpowder in the world begins with quarrels.
1 What are we quarreling when we quarrel?
Many times, we often don’t remember the reasons for the quarrel, but we will clearly remember our feelings during the quarrel, the expressions and reactions of the other party. The trigger for the quarrel becomes less important. What is important is the emotions caused by the quarrel and what we really want to express behind the quarrel.
In many cases, quarrels are fear of losing control, and their inner needs are not seen and affirmed. requires venting grievances and anger through quarrels .
Quarrels are also to seek mutual understanding. For example, quarrels between partners are to seek enough love, or to confirm whether the other person's love is the same as before.
Everyone has a sense of insecurity in their hearts, which is also the driving force that has made human beings reproduce to this day for billions of years, but there is too much insecurity. We use a more intense way of quarrels to test people and things outside the world, externalize the sense of insecurity to reduce internal uncertainty and increase self-control. However, control and exploration are the driving force for people to live. From this perspective, quarrels are also the flow and connection of life energy .
2 Several forms of quarrel
Evenly matched: You are quarreling in a hurry, both sides are not willing to be outdone, the person who is provoking trouble becomes a strong person, and the other party feels the attack. In order to avoid becoming a weak person, uses quarrel to balance the relationship .
surface soft type: uses verbal acceptance and self-examination as a tool to shut up the other party, and uses to avoid 's bigger problems, saying ----anything is OK, thinking in my heart - why is it so troublesome.
Critical education type: learn various theories as weapons, use professional terms to make the other party speechless, find higher-level means to achieve the goal of control.
Self-analytical type: has many inner dramas. Analyze the behavior patterns of oneself and the other person, as well as the environment for developing this pattern, and use rational analysis to suppress emotions. You quarrel with yourself, but others don’t know at all.
To a large extent, the response given by others is taught by ourselves. The reaction given by the other party is just like our expectations, and the heart will increase our affirmation of ourselves.
For example, the wife has been strictly guarding against her husband’s cheating, but the husband will really cheat. What kind of projection do you have on this world, the world will repay the result you expect.
3 The meaning behind the quarrel
When a quarrel, it is difficult for ordinary people to understand the other party with all their feelings, but think about how to respond to the attack. This is equivalent to setting up a wall to separate the two parties, and there is no way to talk about communication.
In many cases, we may quarrel with people because the part of subconsciously disagrees with themselves, and they are seen and pointed out, just like a scar is revealed and embarrassed to anger.
Secondly, some people quarrel with you, not really attacking you, but because you are safe and weak, and can divert your emotions towards others and other things, so the attacked party may feel inexplicably and wronged.
In this way, quarrel is also a way to practice , which includes both external relationship cultivation and internal self cultivation.
The best way to deal with it is to accept yourself first and then accept others, and to reach a true connection between the two parties.
4 How to quarrel correctly?
Express different opinions on a matter with high emotions, and don’t attack personality. This is a good “quarrel”. feedbacks your true feelings to the other party . Quarrels are for better communication, not to avoid communication.
True reconciliation comes from empathy, turning you into him, loving his love and hating his hatred, so that you can have a true understanding. Where can you understand without experience, and where can you not know love and compassion come from.
The real empathy is to understand why the other party does this and accept that in such a situation, he will have such emotions. Psychology is called empathy
You can stay in such emotions. I don’t try to pull you out, but I will stay here with you. allows the other party to express feelings in their own way , and does not try to help or correct others with their own ideas. This is the greatest respect and compassion.
Understand and accept others' current state, and do not try to do anything to pull the other party out of this state, just here, so-called existence is healing. Only by taking good care of yourself can you have enough love to pass on to others.
at the end
In short, conflict can be a trouble or an opportunity to improve understanding. Every experience in life is a precious gift, to let us learn something from it, so as to better face our future life.
Quarrel is the subconscious guiding us to see things that we ignore or avoid, facing, understanding, accepting, and letting go of the fragility and pain that we once did not want to face, so that we can move towards relief and freedom.
Only by learning to live peacefully with yourself can you live peacefully between heaven and earth.
Author: Xiaowen
