Mr. Chen believes that he has interpersonal relationship disorders caused by his sensitivity and his emotions are always affected by other people's emotions. He wrote in his help email: I don’t know why I am particularly sensitive to interpersonal relationships and I am very concerned about the emotions of the people around me. As long as they are unhappy, angry or a little abnormal, I will be nervous, reflect on what I have done wrong, and worry that they will say bad things to me behind my back. I care so much about interpersonal relationships and the emotional abnormalities of the people around me, like a slave controlled by the emotions of the people around me. I feel very tired every day, which has affected my normal life and work. When I met
, I asked Mr. Chen when this happened? Mr. Chen said that it was about to graduate from undergraduate studies and continued until he graduate school, and he really realized that this was a problem after he started working. I said, if you think about it carefully, do you care about other people's emotions or what you think is hidden behind this emotion in the eyes of others? Mr. Chen thought about it and said: In the latter, if others are in abnormal mood, I will examine what I did wrong, and then think about the negative comments from others.
I said that you are too concerned about yourself in the eyes of others. There are generally two possibilities. One is that you lack a sense of security due to inferiority, and you subconsciously want to please everyone and care about everyone's evaluation of yourself; the other is that you are narcissistic, stubbornly believe that "everyone must like me" or "I can make everyone like me".
Mr. Chen was silent. I asked him what circumstances he was usually more relaxed. He said that when watching basketball games, and playing games, he basically stopped playing games because he was busy with work and did not watch basketball games after 11 o'clock in the evening. I asked him what hobbies he had in his daily life. He said it was gone. His father would drink some wine for many years and occasionally ask him to drink some. He thought that drinking was pretty good, but he didn't dare to drink it. He was worried that he would become addicted and eventually turned into an alcoholic. I said why do you think about everything at the extreme? Your father has been drinking wine all year round, but he hasn’t become an alcoholic? He sighed and said that I am different from others. I know that I am controlling myself with my super willpower, otherwise, with my nature, I will definitely be an unforgivable bad person.
I asked in surprise, are you sure your nature is bad? He nodded and said seriously, it was not easy for me to become a normal person today. Then, he opened the conversation and talked about his growth experience. Before he went to high school, he was very naughty and almost entered the junior high school office in the second year of junior high school. His parents helped him change to another school, but he kept causing trouble and was persuaded to leave. When his parents were almost desperate, they sent him to their hometown in the rural Shaanxi province to live with their grandmother. They never scolded and beat him like their parents. If he was too playful and did not go to school well, their grandmother would stab the back of her hands with a thick needle sewing a quilt, and both hands were pricked with blood. She said that if you are with me, you can’t have a future, that’s my fault, and I will punish myself. Grandma awakened me in her way, and I began to change my past and study hard. My parents still don’t know why I changed. They just admire grandma for taming me, the wild horse in their eyes. When my grandmother passed away in my junior year, I was very sad. My grandmother's bloody and thin hands often appeared in my dreams.
From a time perspective, after grandma passed away, you began to care about interpersonal relationships and the abnormal emotions of the people around you. I remind Mr. Chen. He asked back, do you think there is a connection between the two? I think grandma is the person in the world who loves me the most.
I said, grandma must love you very much, but this kind of love is too heavy and puts you a lot of pressure. She uses self-abuse to make you become sensible and study hard. But the side effect is that you are used to being controlled by others. Once you lose control, you will be afraid. Even if you have no control, you should imagine a source of control, or split a rational and strict self to control yourself. Mr. Chen frowned and said nothing. I changed the topic and asked him if he likes himself? He said no, he didn't like it at all. I said try to control yourself less and relax, maybe you will have different opinions about yourself. He smiled bitterly and said that I was still worried that I would become a wild horse that would be out of control again.I said I don’t recognize your evaluation of your nature. On the contrary, I think your nature is kind, otherwise grandma’s self-abuse education will not be useful to you. What you seem to care about is the emotions of others, but actually care about the evaluation of others. When you can sincerely accept and affirm yourself, objectively face your weaknesses and shortcomings, and be willing to continue to grow with an open mind, you will find that you no longer have excessive dependence on others' evaluations.
Before breaking up, Mr. Chen mentioned the troubles of interpersonal relationships again. I shared my own experience with him. It is normal for us to live in the world, and some people like and some people don’t like it. The so-called radish each has its own love. If you are radish, you can’t be a radish. It is unrealistic to hope that everyone likes it. We are grateful to those who like us and respect those who don’t like us. Allow yourself to respect and accept other people’s dislikes, not try to control other people’s emotions, nor be controlled by other people’s emotions, and you will be able to gain true peace, tranquility, freedom and happiness in your heart.
Text and pictures: Zhang Wei
Edited by Yang Wenzhao Gu Xiaojuan
