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Many women live humble and aggrieved in marriage.
Some of them are worried about gains and losses because they like this man too much, and keep giving and pleasing with humility, but are hurt by reality again and again.
Of course, there are some women. They may not love their husbands, but because they do not have a stable income, they have to deliberately please men. They want to beg for a complete family, but they cannot get it and are repeatedly frustrated.
However, in the face of his wife's silent efforts, some men start to accuse women of all shortcomings and shortcomings in the face of their wives from the beginning, from feeling distressed to numbness and then to disgust.
Why are everyone who is obviously such a good "good person", but they torture each other in marriage and live as "enemy"?
Why do we both give love and money to each other but find it difficult to maintain a simple and unpretentious marriage?
This makes us think deeply: How should we manage intimate relationships?
Recently I was lucky enough to meet Hu Shenzhi in "Rebuilding Intimate Relationships", the essence behind the "pleasure" of marriage and the secrets of intimate relationship management have gradually become clear and transparent.
It turns out that excessive flattery or accusation in marriage is to regard the other person as a bad person.
01. The essence of pleasing and blaming a partner
Marriage is a besieged city, intersecting various replicated human nature and game, and it is not easy to manage well.
Before getting married, it was mostly because of love, at least it was not annoying, but why was it not well managed? In addition to objective economic conditions, the deeper level is our human nature and selfishness.
As Yishu said: " In the face of marriage, love is too small. The real resistance is not the pressure and underestimation of others. It is the gene flowing in the bones, sensitive and fragile. "
Many couples are Marriage is full of humble congratulations and dislikes, but it attributes all this to the wrong person or the other person's fault and badness, but is this really the case?
"Rebuilding Intimate Relationship" tells us: "H has one thing in common whether it is pleasing or accusing: we regard the other party as a bad person. Accuse means directly saying that the other party is not good, while pleasing means indirectly saying that the other party is not good. "
It is true that, in general, the pleasing party is aggrieved, thinking that as long as you treat others like this, others will say you and won’t lose your temper with you. At this time, the person you please is a bad person in your heart. He does not respect you, ignores your feelings, and even scolds you like a tyrant.
Then why do we please or blame our partners in marriage? What is the essence?
Hu Shenzhi mentioned in the book, " always pleases others, usually because he feels that he is not good at it, thinking that only by performing well can the other party be inseparable and have a place to live. This is a kind of A very humble mentality.
However, people who always blame others are strong on the surface, but in fact they are inferior in their hearts, gain a strong sense of superiority by beautifying themselves and uglinessing others. Because only the other party is wrong, it is not good Only then can you have the right to dominate and dislike the other party..."
Whether it is to please or blame, you always regard the other party as a bad person. You don’t dare to express your true thoughts and needs directly. You are afraid of being hurt. You have always used a kind of A negative way to protect one's vulnerability.
02. How to deal with it?
Pleasing and accusing are very common in our daily relationships with husband and wife.
Generally speaking, one spouse pleases, the other spouse is mostly accusing type. Hu Shenzhi told us that if we want to adjust the mode of getting along with each other, we need to do the following three points:
first, and we understand that this is our own homework and we cannot ask the other party to change. Whether you are used to pleasing or criticizing methods, you must understand that this is just a pattern of dealing with the problem yourself, not the other party’s problem.
Second, we need to better present ourselves and truly express our emotions, prayers or desires. We need to find a more positive way of response and communication, and do not regard the other party as an enemy, and communicate in a hostile way. How can others be willing to get close to you?
Third, try to focus on the other party. Whether we please or blame, we focus on our own emotions and feelings, and ignore the other person's feelings. Only when we see and understand each other, and we allow the other to present this vulnerability, will we have a closer relationship.
For a long time, including now, I subconsciously use a pleasing way to communicate with my partner. On the one hand, it is because you are not strong, and whether you make money or enjoy being alone, you need to improve your ability to be alone. If you are not accepted enough, of course you will regard the other party as a bad person. After all, it is still a bit aggrieved if you have been paying a lot, and this tendency to please , it made my heart suffer.
However, my partner is better than me in work and income, and his family status is getting higher and he blames me much more than before. The more I please the other person, the more I dare not stop and don’t give. The more I blame or vilify me, all I see are my shortcomings and deficiencies, and he gained a brief sense of superiority but was anxious and unhappy inside.
This is the reality of human nature.
This is my own pattern of dealing with the problem, not the other party’s problem.
I have to learn to become stronger, and accept my imperfect self more, truly express my needs and ideas, and when the other party accuses you, you can accept each other and yourself, Fragility, stress and imperfection may bring a new turn to our relationship.
03.Written at the end
See this, you may ask: Running a marriage and intimate relationships are so complicated and troublesome, why do you still have to get married? Isn’t this a big deal?
Thinking about the problem and returning to the starting point: Why do we need intimacy?
Maybe everyone has different reasons, but in essence it is to fight loneliness and pursue happiness.
Hu Shenzhi mentioned in "Rebuilding Intimate Relationship", " When you really pay attention to someone, really see someone, and feel that you have you in that person's heart, intimate relationship is established. "
is very chic and very casual. Free, but there are moments when loneliness needs to be accompanied by. When you fall in love and get married, there may be a mess, but there are also sweet love, deeper satisfaction and opportunities for growth.
No matter which one you choose, don’t forget to love yourself well.
If you have found a partner in your journey of life, then accompany and share the prosperity and love and hatred of this world along the way.
Love is a kind of ability that requires learning, care, and even more tolerance.
"For you, thousands of times."
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