Text\Jiangzuo Meiniang
01. Import
Yesterday a female reader came to me. We had chatted before. She and I live in the same city, so we talked a few words.
She encountered a strange thing recently, and she wanted to tell me about it.
She is 40 years old. She was very beautiful when she was young. She is also a civil servant, middle-level in the work unit, and earns a lot of money. Her native family is also good. Both her parents have pensions and do not need her money. Her life has always been comfortable.
The only fly in the ointment is her marriage. She once had a marriage. The man loved her very much, but he liked to drink and always got drunk. When he got drunk, he went crazy. The situation was uncontrollable and she couldn't bear it, so she divorced angrily.
She was only in her early 30s when she got divorced. She thought she would be able to find a better one if she had good years to live. However, after going around in circles for many years, she didn’t know whether it was because she had a high vision or because it was really hard to find. She never met the right one, and now that she was about to turn 40, she suddenly wanted a child very much. She was worried about ending up alone, so she began to actively mobilize relatives at home to help her find a partner. In just one month, she met 10 people. One of them made her very excited.
This man seems to be a perfect match for her.
Aged 42, a cadre of a state-owned enterprise, widowed, has two apartments, a large area, and a car worth 400,000 yuan. He is very energetic and well-dressed. They have chatted twice. She thinks they are very compatible, but he has not pursued her. What she meant.
She asked the intermediary, and the intermediary also passed the message to the man. The man said that he would think about it, but he never thought about it. Last night, the intermediary responded and said that it was inappropriate. The intermediary also said that after the divorce, the man seemed to believe in Buddhism. She has never looked for her again, and it was only recently that she was forced by her parents to go on a blind date with her.
She was puzzled. She thought she was worthy of that man in every aspect. She had a good family background, good looks, and a decent job. But what about that man? Although the conditions are good in all aspects, her native family is in the countryside. Thinking about it this way, he is too high to match her, but he actually said "not suitable". What is the reason? She feels that she has never been treated like this since she was a child. Insult!
I comforted her and said, if he pretends to like you, you will be even worse. If he doesn't like it, he just doesn't like it. He is very honest and doesn't delay each other. Isn't this a good thing! I knew that on the other side of the screen, she would definitely look down upon me.
Actually, I know what she thinks. On the one hand, her self-esteem can't stand it. She feels that the person she likes doesn't like her. This shouldn't be the case. She is a woman who is very confident in her appearance and temperament, so naturally she can't stand it; On the other hand, she will feel that it is rare for her to meet someone who looks at her, and how happy she would be if they could be together. But now her love has been cut off by this man, which is such a pity.
These two thoughts are the crux of her pain, but if you think about it carefully, is she right? If you were her, let's analyze it together.
02. If he doesn’t like you, does it really prove that you are not good?
Whether a person is excellent or not depends on worldly standards and standards in the eyes of lovers. These two standards are not unified.
My high school male roommate graduated from a prestigious university. When it came time to start a family, many blind dates failed. Many people didn’t understand what he was looking for and thought he had high vision. But what happened? He didn't find a college classmate at the same level as himself, but he married a girl from his hometown who didn't go to college. This girl was his classmate in elementary school. They were separated in junior high school because they went to different schools, and they were not together in high school and college. But He always missed her until he graduated from college and went home to find her during the summer vacation.
The mother of the male deskmate did not agree to the marriage at first. After all, her son was so good, how could he marry a girl with no education and no job? But my male deskmate wanted to marry her, so in the end he had no choice but to agree.
You said, weren’t those girls who had blind dates with their male classmates good? Of course not. If you pick any one, the overall strength will be better than the girl he wants to marry, but he just doesn't like it. Can you use his screening criteria to judge excellence? Obviously not. Therefore, if you are not attracted by a man, there is no dignity issue involved, so there is no need to feel embarrassed.
Then what does it mean that he doesn’t like you? At best, it may mean that he is a very understanding person. He may not know what he wants, but he certainly knows what he doesn't want.
There are all kinds of people in this world. For some men, the more the better, while for some men, it is better to have less than to have too much.
He has already said such words of rejection, and there is no need for you to inquire about the root cause. Even if you try harder, show off your financial resources and abilities, or even try to dedicate yourself to him, it will be of no use.
Maybe he will respond to you because of his character and bottom line, but remember, those are responses that are reluctant and do not come in vain. If you ask for it, he will not cherish it, let alone develop a long-term relationship with you, and it is not without other things. Men can choose, so why should we?
03. He doesn’t like you, but he reluctantly stays with you. Will he be happy?
Why doesn’t he like you? The answer is simple. He believes that you are not his type. In the final analysis, the essence of love is just two words: demand.
To give a simple example, not long ago I introduced a girlfriend to a male friend. He is a beauty lover. Naturally, I looked at the girl in my hand again and again before giving him the contact information of a beautiful girl.
As a result, when he saw the photo, he rejected it. He said that the girl was quite good-looking, but she was not his type. Then he took out the photo of his ex-girlfriend, and I understood as soon as I saw it, he likes the queen-shaped girl. , and the girl I chose for her is the Lin sister type. You see, although she is a beauty type, in the minds of men, there are also different types.
The difference between the Lin sister type and the Yujie type is not only in appearance, but also in the inner temperament revealed through the appearance. This kind of preference has been around for a long time and is difficult to change. If you don't attract him and make him like it, then if you force yourself to be together, there will be a big problem.
Because once an intimate relationship begins, conflicts will naturally arise. Because with this level of liking and caring, he will be tolerant of you. Without this level of liking, after you have conflicts, he will not only be unable to tolerate you. , it will also make him feel disgusted. An intimate relationship cannot be maintained only by one party always accommodating the other party, then sooner or later you will fall apart.
There is a possibility that you have encountered a man in "ascetic mode".
Regarding the "ascetic mode", teacher Wu Zhihong made it very clear in "Thank You for My Imperfections":
"The ascetic mode is: not accepting contributions from others, and rarely giving yourself."
Simply put, Some people reduce and suppress their desires and needs, closing themselves off from normal relationships and obligations. This kind of person is very withdrawn by nature, and they may prefer to be a master who is self-disciplined and unique.
They are a bit like "monks" living in the secular world. Only part of their life is participating in life, while the other part of their life is enjoying their own life alone.
Perhaps their outlook on life and love may also be very negative. They refuse to accept the approach and contribution of others, and refuse to establish trust and intimacy with others, because they will not give anything to anyone, and they would rather be alone.
Although most of us understand that relationships, intimacy, are the main source of our happiness.
However, their lives reject relationships and thus reject troubles. In this way, they can enjoy themselves. There is no need for us to force people like
. If we really force them, what they will reward you with is endless indifference.And you, if you establish a relationship, it will disrupt their rhythm of life. In the end, you still cannot meet his needs.
In the final analysis, the essence of love is really just two words: demand. If you think he can meet your needs, but he thinks you can't meet his needs, then you can't meet your eyes. Don't worry. What belongs to you is always yours, and you won't force anything that doesn't belong to you.
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