Even though you know you have to learn to say no, when someone else makes a request, you still agree against your will because you can't bear the psychological pressure of saying "no". A few days ago, "Wang Chuanjun rejected Song Dandan's proposal" was a hot search. Many netizens

Are you also a person who has a hard time rejecting others?

clearly knows that he must learn to say no, but when others make requests, he cannot bear the psychological pressure caused by saying "no" (will he be unhappy? Will he lose this friend? Will he be considered difficult to talk to?), I will still agree against my will.

A few days ago, " Wang Chuanjun rejected Song Dandan proposal" was a hot search. Many netizens said: It looks so cool, I like this reality! But some people think: It’s really embarrassing. Is it really okay to be so direct in real life?

If you don’t refuse, you will feel aggrieved. If you refuse, you are afraid of hurting the relationship. So, how should one say no? Will rejection really affect the relationship?

Last week, we launched a collection, asking everyone to share their "experiences of successfully rejecting others", let's take a look.

01 I never refuse, and finally said the word "no"

@Anonymous

After undergoing psychological treatment, I can finally say to my parents, grandma, and relatives, "No, thank you, I won't eat, I'm full." "

is a very simple thing, but for me, it is the first time in more than 20 years that I can say it without any guilt.

@anonymous

I am a person who never rejects others, so people in the company commented on me: She has a really good personality. The consequences of this are that they take on a lot of work that does not belong to them, they cannot finish their own work, and their abilities are often questioned. Even if I feel so wronged that I hide and cry alone, I can't say no.

So, I started to try to think, why don’t I dare to reject others? What are you afraid of? When I figured out that I was afraid of other people's judgment, I decided to give rejection a try.

It was a work arrangement. This job was beyond my ability and no one had ever done it. The result I racked my brains to produce did not satisfy a leader of the company (not my direct boss), so he Challenge me in meetings: Did you do it? If we can’t do it, we’ll replace it with someone else. I thought about it and answered directly: Sorry, I really can't do it, I can only deliver this. The leader of was stunned for a moment, and then he really agreed to use my materials to close the project. The second phase of the project was indeed not done by me, but was assigned to other colleagues.

@Anonymous

A supervisor always asked me to notify a colleague I didn’t like to do something, and every time I would get angry. Until one day I told her: I don’t like XXX because I don’t like her way of doing things and I can’t work with her. The leader never asked me to notify him again.

▷Japanese drama "Calm Leisure"

02 Speaking of it, I am the master of say no.

@Anonymous

I am the master of say no. For example, when I went to have my feet pinched just now, the other person introduced "1 is the most basic and most customers will not choose it. 2 and 3 are the most popular. Do you choose 2 or 3? " Me: "1."

@Ahmiao

has almost never failed when trying to reject others, because I am the same type of person as Wang Chuanjun. If the other person's request is too much or really unsatisfactory, I will directly tell the other person that I can't do it.

For example, if a colleague's family member has a card application task and wants everyone to help, I will directly express that I have no self-control and will not be able to control excessive consumption, so I even close Huabei Baitiao and I will never apply for a card. I will laugh at myself a few times. Make some jokes and change the subject to talk about each other's work and family, and the matter is over.

Looking back, the reason why I repeatedly refused to succeed is that in my daily life, I will take the initiative to help others when I see them in need. If I can complete it casually, I will readily agree to complete it quickly. At the same time, I will trouble others for help. It doesn’t matter if I am rejected. Everyone knows that I am such a straight-tempered person, so I can accept rejection.

@爱LO美

Generally speaking, what I don’t want to do personally is just say no directly, and I never think about whether it’s embarrassing or not. When it comes to work, I will never drink at company dinners. Although I am a drunkard in private, I will never drink in the workplace.When faced with the boss who is not easy to talk to, I would say that I am allergic to alcohol . If the boss is normal, I would just say that I don’t want to drink. The principle is not to drink alcohol during working hours. The trick is to smile, be gentle and firm.

If you successfully refuse once, you will not be persuaded to drink again next time. Once you accept my "no drinking" setting, it will be normal for dinner parties in the future.

▷Japanese drama "Calm Leisure"

03 Rejection will not affect the relationship, only if you don't refuse will

@Anonymous

It is really difficult to say "no" with a pleaser personality. I am a person who needs a lot of space to be alone, and I have a slight mysophobia. But I have a friend who thinks that good friends should be close to each other. For example, if she comes to my city, she hopes to stay in my house, maybe for more than a week. This makes me really uncomfortable. Later, I told her clearly that two or three days would be enough, but there was really nothing that could be done after a long time.

I think I was more relieved at the time. I was worried that my friends would think I was stingy or unkind, but after I agreed, I felt very uncomfortable. After I refused, I felt very relieved; she was very unhappy at first, and we We had a quarrel because of this, but later she found out that I was not targeting her, but all my friends. She later understood, and when she really wanted to come and stay, she roughly knew the longest length of stay I could accept. It's time.

Communication is still very important. My friend and I have different definitions of the boundaries of intimacy, but clear expression and communication allow us to get along for a long time despite our differences.

@anonymous

My best friend who I have known for more than ten years often tells me about the hurt caused by her parents’ divorce. I used to help her analyze the problem and enlighten her, but when I talked to her about my sadness, I got all the information. It was a perfunctory response. As time went by, I really felt disappointed and no longer wanted to be her sad trash can. So when she talked to me again, I didn't reply to her message immediately. Instead, I worded my words well when I had time and told her:

"Baozi, your complaint about the divorce of my parents has caused me trouble." , which makes me have negative emotions. I don’t want to listen to you complaining about your parents’ divorce anymore. As your friend, I want to say that we are all grown up. Whether our parents are divorced or not is their business and has little to do with us. Now, let’s pursue our own lives and enjoy our time in college.” After

expressed his thoughts frankly, I was very happy and relaxed. Although I was a little worried about losing this friend, I also thought that if a ten Old friends will fall out over this matter, and I need to re-evaluate this friendship. She only replied "Okay, I understand" at the time, but later she never told me about her parents' divorce and started sharing more happy things with me. We didn't break up and our relationship was as normal.

▷Japanese drama "Calm Leisure"

04 Some tips on rejecting others (personal test is useful)

1. Tell yourself first: you can refuse

@丽子Liz

If the thing you refuse is not a responsibility or obligation that you should/must do , then it is not necessary to give a reason. It is your right.

If you find it difficult to say no, think of it like this: If you can't say no, you are actually hurting yourself. Would you intentionally hurt your best friend? You don't know how, so why would you hurt such a precious self? Aren't you your own best friend?

2. No means no, no need to find reasons

@Yan

Once I passed the WSET Level 2 exam (Wine and Spirits Level 2 certification qualification exam) with high scores. A friend of a friend is in the wine business. After learning the news, I thought Invite me to her store to give a lecture. The first time I said, "I'm not good enough," the other person insisted, "It doesn't matter, others don't understand." I came to my senses and the excuse would always be broken, so I just said "I'm not interested", and the other party was polite and never asked me again.

’s experience is:

Never be “tactful”. The result of being tactful is that either the other party doesn’t understand, or the other party doesn’t want to understand. direct rejection is the most effective way. I don’t want to, I’m not interested, I don’t like it. It feels so good after saying that!

3. The tone should be soft and the stance should be firm

@福卡猫猫

“I declined.” is simple, firm and polite, and the other party will probably not question me.

@dandan

Focus on your true thoughts and fully respect yourself. At this time, you will find that your attitude towards rejecting others is: gentle and firm, without hostility or malice. It felt very relaxed, as if I had said something very ordinary.

@Anonymous

Know your bottom line and evaluate the worst outcome or worst situation you can afford. first empathy express understanding of others, and then express your own thoughts clearly. The tone is soft and the stance is firm.

4. If it is a relationship that you value, give an alternative when you refuse.

@ Crystal Bobo

A friend’s child’s birthday party invited me to attend. I was quite happy. However, two colleagues who did not get along well with each other were also invited. In order not to embarrass my friends, I told her that I had something urgent to deal with at work that day and would treat her to a meal alone to celebrate.

@anonymous

I am a tutor for my teacher’s child. The teacher wants me to tutor her child tonight when he is reviewing for the high school entrance exam. I declined because I have a final exam tomorrow at noon and need to review before the exam. While rejecting, I gave my review suggestions.

▷Japanese drama "Calm Leisure"

📚🖊

Many times, we cannot say no because we feel that "rejection will hurt the relationship."

But in fact, many times, rejection will not hurt the relationship, but not rejection will.

Not being able to refuse will bring about a sense of grievance in the relationship: "Why has no one considered my feelings?", "Why do you always ask me for various requests?" You will dislike this relationship less and less. and yourself in the relationship, and the other person may not know anything about it.

Because it is difficult to express your true needs, you may express your dissatisfaction in a passive-aggressive manner. This will not only allow the other person to understand your needs, but will also harm your relationship.

The premise of a good relationship is authenticity: embarrassment, disappointment, and conflict are all part of a real relationship. They allow us to understand each other's differences and gradually find ways to deal with these differences. The relationship between people is so deep. And people who leave you because of one rejection are not worth fighting for.

I wish you always have a relationship where you can say "no".

Editor: Li Waiwai, Liang Ke

Editor: kuma

Cover image source: Japanese drama "Calm Leisure"