I still can't hide the sadness in my eyes, nor can I wipe away the two lines of tears!
Narrator: Ms. Zhao
01
When I was in school, the teacher commented on me that I was not talkative and withdrawn.
My relatives also think that I am unkind. If you turn your face, you can deny me!
But none of them knows the secret hidden in my heart. It has affected my life and completely changed my destiny!
Nowadays, although I have reached middle age, I still can't get out of that nightmare. The lump in my heart is hard to let go of after all.
The man I hate, he is still alive and well. Moreover, in the weddings and funerals in the family, he is always the one in control of the overall situation!
The banquet was full of friends. When I saw him walking up the stage, the emcee announced: Now when the manager XX is speaking for us, there is only one feeling in my heart, and that is humiliation!
What makes me more painful is that when I passed by him, he even looked directly at me with a smile.
I can read it, the smug and sarcasm in his smile! Only I know that my heart hurts like being cut by a knife!
I hate him, and when I think of his ugly face, I feel sick!
I once wanted to retaliate against him, and I even wanted to die with him. But I am really helpless, I can only think about it!
02
I was very good when I was young because my mother had a bad temper. She often beats and scolds me, I will be punished if I make a mistake!
I can clearly feel that she doesn't like me.So I was very skinny at the time, skinny to the point of malnutrition!
Until now, the thing I remember most clearly is my mother's disgusting and contemptuous eyes!
I am not sure, in what year it happened. All I know is that it must have happened before I was eight years old.
He is my cousin, and he is also my least favorite among several cousins. I saw him never talking, and he didn't seem to pay attention to me either!
But one day, he suddenly stood at my door and called me: Come here!
So I passed by obediently, he led me into the house and carried me to the bed.
03
At that time, I didn't even know that it was sexual assault, I just cried in pain. Just when someone called him in the yard, he got up and asked me to leave.
My first time, it was ruined by him. The funny thing is, I was so stupid at that time, I don't know what this is doing?
I didn't tell my mother, even if it was bleeding from my place, I was afraid to die, I didn't say!
I remember that time, I was itchy there. I told my mother that she didn't take it seriously.
My mom is always busy, she is busy with her work. When I came back, I just kept talking, disgusting me like this, disgusting me like that!
For me, until now, in retrospect, it was a very painful childhood!
04
In my memory, my mother rarely cares about me. I just go to my partner to play every day, or she locks me at home.
I was lonely and scared. I knocked hard and cried hard, but no one would come to open the door for me.
I don't have any toys, so I can only put the towel under the pillow and the other on the bed cabinet. Both sides drooped down, pretending that it was my tent.
When I was a child, I seemed to take a bath only once a year. I clearly remember that when I went to my aunt's house, my aunt gave me a bath.
While washing me, she ridiculed me and said: Oops! How long has your mother not bathed you? Look at the neck of your axle, the washing water has become muddy soup!
05
After attending elementary school, we moved out of the old home. My mother still seldom cares about me. After school, I often sit in the yard and wait for her.
The deepest impression is still very hungry, I can't find food everywhere.
Once, I was really hungry. After searching for a long time, I found a few sticks of vermicelli in my bottle.
I quickly took it out and ate it. Really, at that time, I thought the soaked vermicelli was especially delicious!
After entering junior high school, I began to gradually understand the issues between men and women. This makes my feeling of inferiority more and more serious!
It is like a rock on my heart, making me full of sadness in the dead of night!
After graduating from high school, I took a job. I shed my childishness and became a beautiful girl.
Although there are many people chasing me when I go to school and work. But in my heart, that incident is always a hurdle!
06
Later, I got acquainted with Feng through introduction. He is handsome and handsome, and he works very well. He is my ideal object.
We two fell in love, and after a year, he wants to marry me!
However, that secret has always tortured me. After thinking about it again and again, I told Feng about it.
After Feng listened to it, he was dumbfounded! after awhile,Although his complexion has eased, I can see that his heart is not at peace!
Feng hasn't come to me for a long time, my heart is bleeding!
I don't want to go to him, because he has already expressed his attitude by doing so.
My mom is very strange, why didn't Feng come to me? I said: We had a fight and broke up!
Peak just like this, disappeared from my life.
07
After a period of sadness, I slowly forget the peak.
At that time, I was young and beautiful, and there were a steady stream of people who introduced me to people. I quickly met Hai again.
Hai is a soldier with the rank of lieutenant. He is not too tall, about 1.73 meters tall, but he looks very shrewd!
The first time I saw the sea, I felt that when he spoke, he always showed a sense of arrogance. I didn't like it very much, but he fell in love with me at first sight!
My attitude towards him is always not far and near, a bit ambiguous, but my family is quite satisfied with him.
After we met a few times, Hai took me to the dormitory of his army. Want to let me know about his life in the barracks.
When the soldiers standing guard at the gate salute the sea. I suddenly felt in my heart that this is a sacred and inviolable place.
This feeling makes my inferiority complex even stronger!
08
When the sea approached me, I pushed him away.
He asked me strangely: Why? When I was in school, many girls chased me. Including the people introduced to me now, whether it's work or personal conditions are pretty good. I don't understand, where are you dissatisfied with me?
I don’t want to tell him that,Because that's the same as that, I opened my scar again, it really hurts and hurts!
I had to tell him: we two are not suitable!
Hai, who has always been confident, was hit hard!
He did not expect that a lieutenant officer himself would be rejected by a small worker!
09
Hai was very unwilling, so he called my work. A colleague who was close to me answered his phone.
Because I told her about the general situation of the sea, and she has no target. So she deliberately wanted to strike up a conversation with Haiduo.
But Hai clearly rejected her and said to her: You are not the person I am looking for, please let Zhao answer the call!
The colleague was made a red face by the sea and had to call me to answer the phone in embarrassment. I answered Hai’s call and he said: I’ll pick you up after work, shall we have a meal together?
But I found an excuse and rejected him!
The last time I saw the sea was in my alley. He waited there specially when I got off work.
Hai said to me: Through these few contacts, I think you are a very good girl. I still want to fight for myself, I hope you can give me a chance!
But my answer still disappointed him!
When he turned and left, I could hear his heartbroken voice.
Why am I? In addition to heartbreak, I also have indelible inferiority and humiliation!
10
In a few years, I dated many times.
really belongs to the kind of high failure, in fact, it is my psychological reason!
I keep repeating love and breaking up. This makes my heart,Also began to get more and more irritable!
I don't want to have a blind date anymore, I really feel very tired and troublesome!
So after seeing the Zhi, I thought to myself: That’s it! If someone introduces to me again, I am gone.
Actually, when I was talking about friends with Zhi. Someone kept introducing me to someone, and the conditions were very good, but I never went to see you again!
Zhi is just an ordinary worker, and the two I have talked about before, in terms of looks and conditions, cannot be compared!
Zhi and I have only been in love for half a year and we got married. And the only reason that can persuade me to marry him is that Zhi is kind to me!
11
Wedding night, after the love. I think my husband should have discovered my secret, but he didn't say anything.
My heart, from the initial anxiety, became calm.
One year later, I gave birth to a daughter, which made my husband and his family very dissatisfied. My husband's attitude towards me has also changed!
After a few years, the contradictions between us have increased. Slowly, I began to find that my husband's performance was a little abnormal!
He started to go out to drink often, sometimes getting drunk. Sometimes when I come back, I don't smell any alcohol at all!
Once, he told me that he was going to his mother's place, so I deliberately called the fixed phone there and asked if he was there? But his mother said he was not there.
Once by chance, I caught evidence of his cheating. I couldn't restrain myself, and I started to feel that kind of heartbreak again!
12
Husband knelt on the ground and begged me for mercy, and he did not hesitate to self-mutilate to show me his determination. After struggling for a long time, I chose to forgive him!
But two years have passed,He was laid off because of the poor efficiency of the unit, and our lives became tight.
Husband has become very decadent, and often uses wine to dissipate his sorrows. I advised him to drink less, but he blamed his failure on me!
The first time he started with me was on a winter night. I hid in the bathroom with a disheveled hair, not daring to come out in tears.
The next day, I found my in-laws crying about it. His dad scolded him severely, and said that he should go out and find work quickly!
My husband has no other skills, so he had to go to a community as a security guard.
Even so, our life is not going well and we are often stretched out.
13
One day, the child had his birthday. In order to make the child happy, my husband and I took her to KFC!
We order a good meal while we are eating.
I lifted my eyes, and "cocked" in shock. I actually saw Hai holding a boy and walking in.
Behind him, a beautiful woman followed. She has an elegant temperament, and looks graceful and generous.
Holding the hamburger in my hand, I stared at the sea in a daze. He nodded at me, then found a seat with the woman and sat down.
I watched them secretly while eating. That boy should be one or two years younger than my daughter.
When the sea looked at me again, I quickly turned my gaze away.
After we finished eating, we led the children, cleaned up and prepared to leave.
When I passed by the sea, my eyes met him again. I know, I missed you in this life, and I can't find it again!
To experience life, appreciate life, thank you for your support and attention [比心][比心][比心]
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