Reader question: Hello General, my boyfriend has been away for more than two years. He works in city A. I am in a certain county in city B. The two of them originally discussed buying a house in city B (with a mortgage, he I also have to face the pressure of finding a job and use my provident fund), but recent events have strengthened my mind-I don't want to repay the mortgage.
Recently, my parents inquired that his parents had divorced and then remarried. His parents were not in a relationship. The original family was very important to my parents. Besides, his mother was not in good health and did not want us to marry at first.
Regarding this point, I actually noticed it before. Through various things, I can infer that his parents are not emotional. I asked him about his parents, but he didn't tell me the truth.
Now the situation is that my parents think his family is very complicated. I have to repay the mortgage after I married. I am afraid that his mother will follow his son every day and strongly oppose it.
Although he is good to me, but his whole life is so long, who can guarantee that he will be consumed by firewood, rice, oil and salt after marriage, and he will treat me as always?
I think 90% of the problems after marriage can be solved with money, and the remaining 10% can be relieved with money. I hope that he can buy a house in city A with full money. In this case, there is no mortgage, even if his parents have any problems in the future , We have no pressure and can save some money to solve it.
And he works stably in City A. Anyway, we are still in different places after we get married. Why not choose a less stressful one?
What I want to consult is:
1. How can I communicate with him that I am unwilling to repay the mortgage?
2. Should I tell him that my parents care about his family, do not agree, only agreed to buy the house in full? What to say?
3. I want to ask him why he concealed the true situation of his parents? Does it fit?
4. If he buys a house in city A, his parents are not in a relationship, and I am not in city A normally. I am afraid his mother will live with him when I am away, and if I go back, his mother will leave again. How can this situation be avoided?
General Answer:
Your question is equivalent to asking me,How can we maximize our own interests in marriage? Or can it avoid all the risks and problems in marriage?
There is nothing wrong with the idea, but whether it is to maximize the benefits or avoid the risk of marriage, the premise is that the other party is the right person, so you first think about "90% of the problems in marriage can be solved with money, and the remaining 10 "% can be relieved with money" is it correct in the end.
Regarding your specific demands, now that you are very clear, just speak up.
I really can't teach you how to communicate.
Because when I put forward a request that is basically just for my own consideration and it is not clear whether the other party has the ability and willingness to do it, I myself find it difficult to speak up. I am a little bit less legitimate, so I don’t have any skills. Can teach you.
"The other party's family is complicated. Parents disagree, but you agree to buy the house with full payment." I don't agree with the idea. If you think that your boyfriend will be affected by the emotional disagreement between the parents of the other party, can buying a house with full payment solve this effect?
Whether it is a single parent family or the original family situation is complicated, this is not the birthplace that your boyfriend can choose, nor is it his original sin.
If it was me, because my parents divorced and remarried and their relationship was in disagreement, and the other party’s family did not agree, I must be sad, not to mention that for these reasons, I was allowed to buy a house in full before I was willing to get married. I would feel even more unhappy. Comfortable (only represents my personal feelings).
So, I don’t recommend that you convey what your parents mean, because this logic and attitude will bring blows to the other party. This is not his fault. You should express your aspirations from the perspective of his work and future life. .
Of course, it is his problem that he concealed something from you, but I can understand it somewhat. Since I remarried later, it seems that there is no absolute need to tell all the twists and turns between my parents. After all, living together now is a complete family. It may be thoughtful to say it.
This matter can be asked or not, depending on the depth of your relationship.
Regarding the last point, I am also very embarrassed. When you are not in city A, his mother went to live in city A for a period of time. In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with it, and it did not disturb the world of the two of you. His mother left when you went back, and there was a sense of boundaries.
reply here,I must confess that the values you expressed in your question are significantly different from my understanding of marriage relationships.
First, if it is a long-distance marriage, then I will not choose this way.
Second, Money is very important, but in marriage, there are many problems that money cannot solve and alleviate.
Third, the other party’s family is complicated. It is indeed not a perfect background in my parents and I, but I can understand and will not make material demands as "compensation" on this basis.
Fourth, if the other party has the ability to buy a house in full, just mention it directly. If it is known that such conditions are not met, then I will discuss whether there is a way that both parties can accept and no one can sacrifice too much.
Fifth, his parents have maintenance obligations. Since I choose to marry him, I will be ready to accept his family.
Sixth, If there is no "loss" at all, the best way to maximize benefits and not experience marital risks is not to get married.
Finally, I feel sorry, if I am a fisherman, I can’t answer how you farm the land. #买房# #婚# #婚#
.General Guo, Beijing Normal University Master of Psychology, National second-level psychological counselor, Han Han_span90s ONE】Popular author, author of books "You are still a stranger to yourself", "The world prefers you who heal and enjoy yourself".
