Reader's question: Female, 28 years old, works in an Internet company in Shanghai. What I want to ask is emotional questions.
Background 1. My husband and I met on a blind date at the end of 19 years. We had a wedding in March this year. To be honest, I don’t love him very much. His own conditions are average and his family background is average, but he can be my safe haven. , I still chose him, maybe because I wanted to get married and just met him.
No matter whether it is before marriage or after marriage, my husband treats me very well. I am lazy and hardly do housework. He is tolerant of me endlessly. He also actively undertakes the mortgage. He goes to work during the day and nights. We are in a different place and have no children.
Background 2. I have been in love with my ex for three years, online dating for one year, and living together for two years. Those three years are divided and combined. When we talk about marriage, we will give a bride price (not a sky-high price gift, but a gift that can be accepted by ordinary families). It was the fuse, coupled with the intensification of various minor issues, and finally broke up.
He and I are now more like friends. I didn’t delete each other. I didn’t delete him. Maybe it’s because I don’t hate this person. Maybe it’s because he can help me sometimes (our same industry). He doesn’t. Delete me, maybe you don't hate me that much.
Last year I went to his city on a business trip, and we had dinner together. He came to my city for a business trip this year, and we also had dinner appointments. My married circle of friends did not block him. The question now is, what do I want to have an extramarital affair with my ex? Or closer contact on the body?
I know this is not good, so I have been holding back from thinking about him, and holding back finding a reason to chat with him, I feel like I'm going crazy. This state has been going on for a month, what's wrong with me?
General Answer:
You are dissatisfied with desire.
There is no love and no feelings in marriage. I just chose to get married just to find a "safe haven". After I had a safe haven, I only remembered that I wanted more, so I was ready to move.
This "more" includes emotional response, physical passion, and the joy of love ,In short, you need to fill up, and the predecessor becomes your most convenient choice.
has both emotional foundation and familiarity with each other. In short, I have seen each other in various appearances. This kind of relationship can accommodate more misfortunes. Even if it is one step closer, it may not be necessary to pull and pull, and a look can be relaxed. Reached.
So, , don't think that you still have nostalgia and affection for him. For you, he is the most easily available tool to satisfy your desires.
Even if he does not exist now and his desire burns, it will still spread to the next "tool".
If you don't restrain your desires, you are playing with fire.
If you want to play with fire, I will not stop it, as long as you recognize the cost of arson, because it may also burn your safe haven to ashes.
does not let you suppress and restrain your desires. You need feelings and passion. The first choice should be to explore within the marriage, whether you can end the remote state as soon as possible, and deepen the emotional concentration between you and your husband in your daily life.
There is no lack of attachment in your intimate relationship, at least you try it first.
You said that you don't love him very much. I didn't ignore this sentence. It is precisely because you feel that you don't love him enough, so you are more inclined to find channels to satisfy your desires outside of marriage.
But just as you want a safe haven when you get married, after having a safe haven, you still have a desire to explode. Similarly, if you find passion and affection outside of marriage, you will most likely not be satisfied with it. You still want to Want more.
Desire satisfaction outside of marriage is superficial and superficial after all. This kind of relationship tastes sweet and excitement at first, and then tastes only emptiness and tiredness, because it is not deep, not lasting, insecure, and full of taboos.
Furthermore, you can think about "transforming" your desires. You can also throw your excess needs into your career and hobbies. If it always burns, it's better to let it burn well. #愿# #克制#
.General Guo, Beijing Normal University Master of Psychology, National second-level psychological counselor, Han Han 【ONE】Popular author, author of books "You are a stranger to yourself", "The world prefers self-healing Happy You.
