Family Education is the "benchmark" of children's future. Good parents are warm and willing to connect their children with love and let their children grow up solidly.
——Sa Jie
Author: Warm-hearted
Famous educator Zhu Yongxin once said:
The four most important places for a child’s life are “ Uterine , family, school, and workplace”.
Family is the most important place for children’s life; parents are the “key” for children to feel the world.
Many parents are constantly complaining about their children: they don’t have to worry about food and clothing, but why are there more and more problems?
In fact, it is not that the children have more and more problems, but that the parents’ education method is wrong, which makes the children more and more "biased".
If you don’t understand this principle, then take a look at the following four famous psychology experiments!
01
Little Albert experiment
Intimidation parenting, let the child live in the shadow all his life
Have you tried this to "threate" the child?
I don’t want you anymore if I cry again; If you don’t obey, let the police arrest you; If you do something wrong next time, let the teacher lock you up...
Most parents subconsciously believe that to make their children obedient, they must make their children "fear".
doesn’t know that although “intimidation parenting” can make children compromise, it is just a bargaining chip for parents to control their children. After using it too much, it is likely to become a shadow of their children’s life.
The famous psychologist Watson once conducted a "Little Albert" experiment.
He selected 9-month-old Albert from a hospital for an experiment.
At the beginning, Watson just asked Little Albert to touch various items, Little White mouse , little rabbit, puppy, mask, cotton wool, newspaper, etc.
At first, Albert Jr. was not afraid.
2 months later, Watson began to let him contact the guinea pig.
At the beginning, when the mouse approached Little Albert, he not only wasn't afraid, but even grabbed the mouse with his hands.
Later, whenever Albert touched the mouse, Watson would use an iron hammer to hit the hanging iron rod behind his back to create a loud sound. As a result, Albert was frightened and cried, showing extreme fear.
After several stimulations, Little Albert was so scared that he avoided the mouse when he saw it, his expression was extremely painful.
such fear caused him to fear even the puppy, monkey, mask, etc. he had touched.
Through this experiment, Watson believed that fear emotions can be acquired through conditioned reflexes.
So he formed an educational philosophy: when cultivating children, you must control them in a "fear".
Later he applied "intimidation" parenting to his children:
If a child breaks the vase, he insults him, and the child will never break the vase again; If a child does something wrong, he will educate him with sticks, so that the child will never make mistakes again...
So, what are the children doing with emotion?
The eldest son Reina suffered from severe depression , and committed suicide when he was in his thirties; The daughter was irritable and irritable, drunken, and committed suicide many times, and eventually died; The youngest son was idle and wandering around.
Such a painful experience also reminds us: Education without love will eventually destroy children.
When we blindly create fear for our children, we will subconsciously ignore the children's feelings, and this sense of lack of love will eventually gradually distort the children's psychology.
An educator once said:
Children who have been in a threat for a long time will lack a sense of security, form a flattering personality, or even lose themselves, which is seriously unfavorable to the healthy development of children's physical and mental health.
Although the child who is "scared" becomes obedient and sensible, he will be very fragile inside, and even turns "fear" into a thought in his mind.
The vicious cycle of "intimidation" will make children dominated by fear and eventually become a shadow that will never be able to be wielded out for the rest of their lives.
02
"Devil Experiment"
Parents' "tags" carry the fate of their children for the rest of their lives
A father went to prison to visit his son who was in prison and said "I'm sorry" to his son.
The short three words made the son extremely excited. He said, "I will never forgive my father" because his father gave him the most painful growth.
This father is a anxious temper. When educating his son, he will only beat and belittle him. The words ", waste, ungrateful, and going to prison sooner or later " are the father's catchphrase.
Unexpectedly, these words were "nailed" on the boy, allowing him to develop step by step in the direction his father said.
Parents should never underestimate the impact of your words on their children's life.
Because you accidentally give your child a "negative" tag, it will ruin the child like a "curse".
Professor Johnson from the University of Iowa in the United States once conducted a "devil experiment".
He selected 22 orphans and randomly divided them into two groups A and B, each group consisting of 5 stuttering children and 6 normal children. Children in the
A group received positive guidance: "If you don't stutter, you express well, and you will definitely speak better and better in the future." The
B group received blows and accusations: "If you stutter, you show many symptoms of children with stuttering. Don't speak before thinking about it." The
experiment lasted for 5 months, but came up with amazing results: In the
A group, only one of the children who stuttered eventually became serious, and the other children became obviously positive and optimistic and cheerful; 6 normal children in the
B group, 5 of them had stuttering symptoms, and most of the children became taciturn, and their speaking speed became slower and slower, and their cognitive level and emotional management became very bad.
This is the influence of language.
Parents are like children's hypnotists. Any language they speak can be internalized into the voice of the child's heart, and they carry it on their backs.
Brain scientist Professor Hong Lan said:
"The brain can be changed by language. It will constantly change the distribution of nerves due to external needs."
When parents always tell a child confidently "You are smart and diligent, and you will definitely become better and better", the child's brain will automatically enter and unconsciously prove that "I am such a person" with behavior.
If parents often criticize their children for negative comments such as "Why are you so stupid", the child's brain will have the concept of "I'm bad, I can't do it" and use various behaviors to "prove" parents, not only will the brain "become stupid", but the whole life may fall into a vicious cycle!
The evaluations parents give to their children can not only make the children successful, but also destroy them.
03
Acquisitive helpless experiment
Unacceptable parents let their children live forever in "negative"
Beijing Medical Children's Development Center has released a set of data:
According to the Chinese nation, about 100,000 teenagers die of suicide every year; on average, 2 people die of suicide every 1 minute, and 8 people attempted suicide.
Later, through investigation, it was found that the truth about these children's suicide was: Parents divorced, criticized by parents, bullied by classmates, failed to complete homework, and had poor grades...
Why are children so fragile?
This answer can be found from the famous psychologist Martin Seligman .
He was once deeply troubled, pessimistic and helpless in depression. He pointed out that when a person falls into depression, he suffers from "acquired helplessness" symptoms .
He said: "No need to do more, ten setbacks are enough to make a child learn-inducing helplessness."
For this reason, he once did an experiment:
locked the dog in a cage, the floor was powered on, and there was a fence in the middle to charge the floor on one side of the dog.
At this time, when the dog jumps to the other side, the motor stops.
Facing a one-meter-high fence, the dog jumped over as soon as it was charged; when the researchers raised the fence to 3 meters before powering on, the dog jumped many times until the power was cut off.
The second time the power was turned on, the dog continued to jump, and kept jumping seven or eight times, but the dog could not jump over, so he never jumped again.
At this time, the researchers lowered the fence to 1 meter, and when they were recharged, the dog still did not jump and hid in the corner.
After a series of failures, dogs find that their behavior cannot change the results, and they will learn a sense of helplessness.
It is the same thing when used on children.
When the child finds out that he still fails after working hard again and again, his inner sense of loss of control will cause him to have symptoms of "acquired helplessness": passive; lack of self-esteem; pessimism, anxiety, etc.
There is a pair of parents who have extremely high expectations for their children.
When they went to school, they put forward many requirements for their children: good grades, hard study, and admission to prestigious schools. After working in
, they proposed to let their daughter work in the legal profession.
From childhood to adulthood, my daughter was forced to work hard, and one day she was crushed and suffered from severe anxiety.
She said:
"Mom and Dad, I have always hoped to be the kind of person you want me to be, but I can never become that kind of person."
When a child lives in an environment that is not accepted for a long time and cannot be recognized, she will be very negative in her heart.
If the child experiences these two types of growth in his native family, he will never be able to escape the "negative mentality":
The first is: Parents' expectations are too high, and no matter how hard the child works, they will not meet the expectations, and they will lose the meaning of hard work;
The second is: Let the child grow in a negative environment for a long time, making the child unhappy and has no results, so I gave up.
Parents are the "mirror" of their children's treatment of themselves.
04
White mouse experiment
Reward-style parenting, destroying the motivation of children
I saw a reward and punishment table specially made by a father in order to urge his child:
l1 get up in the morning and study for half an hour, and the reward is one yuan; is all calculated once, and the reward is one yuan; 1 scored more than 95 points in the exam, and one prize is three yuan...
However, after a period of time, the father said helplessly: I have used all the methods, but the child still has no changes.
Why is the more rewarded, the worse the effect?
Because reward parenting is more like a "bribery". It is difficult to really get rid of the problem and may also destroy the child's initiative .
American psychologist Skinner once conducted a psychological experiment called " Skinner Box ".
It is divided into positive experiments and negative experiments.
Forward experiment:
Put a very hungry mouse into a box with a pull rod. There is some food outside the box. The mouse just needs to press the pull rod and will get the food as a reward.
So, the mouse learned to press the pull rod to get food.
Negative experiment:
Experimentalist put the mouse into the same box. If the mouse does not press the pull rod, an electric current will pass through. So the mouse continues to try and learn to press the pull rod.
However, once the box is not powered on, the mouse's pull-rod behavior will disappear.
This experiment is like the reward and punishment system of parents for their children. It can establish a behavioral pattern faster and stimulate children to learn.
However, once the reward and punishment disappear, the child's motivation will also disappear.
Why?
Because material stimulation, children only enjoy the process of "geting". Once the stimulation weakens or disappears, the child will become more and more slack.
A philosopher once proposed this theory:
There are two reasons why children will take the initiative to do one thing, one is because the children like it, and the other is because the children can get rewards. The difference between the two concepts of
is that the former is "willing to do" , the latter is "having to do" ; the former is "actively doing" , and the latter is "passively doing" .
When we want children to do something, they are "wanting to do this", but once they are mixed with material stimulation, their consciousness will become "I have to do it".
reward education, on the surface, is motivation, but in fact gives children a passive choice.
05
I have seen this sentence:
"Parents with personality problems, even with the most scientific parenting methods, will raise children with problems."
Family education is the "benchmark" of children's future.
Parents are the first shaping people for their children. They include interpersonal relationship patterns, thinking methods, behavioral habits and even personality traits. As long as the parents are right, the children's path will be correct.
No matter when, education must be warm, connect children with love, and do not cause pain;
Will children always be positive and optimistic? It has always been hidden in the words and deeds of parents. When parents' hearts are "bright", the children's future will be clear;
Good parents must learn to cheer on the children's track so that they can stand out.
Parents are the prototype of their children's destiny, and they must learn to "write and smear".
encourages you all.
