Hello everyone, I am Cuckoo Mom~
The author of "Super Practical Child Psychology", Mr. Todd, who has conducted a survey on more than 13,000 parents across the country and found that nearly half of the parents were bothered by the fact that their children "make friends".
Especially for early childhood children, they basically keep talking about these words when they go to play with children:
"Mom, they don't play with me."
"Mom, he hit me."
"Mom, I dare not play with them, let's go home."
I thought the children could play together and we could relax a little while aside. Unexpectedly, when playing with children, the children appear to be out of place, excluded, and rejected. If we encounter too many things like
, we parents will inevitably be anxious. He is afraid that his child will be hurt, but also worried that he will become less and less confident.
Harvard took 75 years to follow up and survey nearly 1,000 people participating in the experiment. The research found that people with good interpersonal relationships achieved higher results when they grew up. , the ability to deal with interpersonal social interaction has been revealed in the early childhood stage. Those children who "do well" in kindergarten are often more promising than others when they grow up in 20 years.
Because children's growth is a process of gradually "socialization".
If he is rejected during socializing, he will habitually attack others or escape and retreat. Then, his psychological elasticity will be relatively poor, and he will be very fragile when encountering setbacks, making it difficult to achieve great success.
. Children who know how to adapt when encountering setbacks have stronger psychological endurance and recovery ability, and are easier to achieve their goals.
1: What social abilities do children need to improve during kindergarten?
has a very famous "Children's Cognitive Behavior Social Training" , also called ICPS, which introduces social abilities from 5 dimensions .
If we can help our children improve from these aspects, then the children's social ability will be greatly improved and they will become an independent and popular person.
① "Right and Wrong" concept
Children in the early childhood stage are generally self-centered: I like this thing, I want to do this thing, I don't like to do that.
If children do not understand the concept of "yes" and "no", they will find it difficult to distinguish right from wrong, and they will be accustomed to considering things from their own perspective.
For example, if you like someone's toy, the child will grab it if he gets it. Because he only thought of "I want to play with this toy", but he didn't expect that "this is someone else's toy, not mine."
②Learn to "select".
When a child encounters problems and only has one choice, it is easy for him to be limited in thinking about problems.
For example, when he is out, he wants to play with the children, but people tell him directly: "I won't play with you, go away."
was rejected. If the child doesn't know that he actually has many choices, will easily fall into a deadlock: if others don't play with me, I don't know what to do.
Then next, he may use the method of losing his temper or beating people to solve the problems he encountered.
③ Understand the order of things
A thing does not happen in chaos, but in order.
If the child knows "Did it happen before or after?", the child can understand the causal connection from the order of succession.
Children who understand causal relationships can better abide by the rules and know to take turns to play games. He is more popular with others and more popular with his companions.
④Knowing the same and different
In addition to looking at things from their own perspective, children are also prone to only see their own feelings and cannot understand other people's moods.
When he deals with social conflicts, he will only care about himself and find it difficult to develop empathy to understand other people's needs. He wouldn't know that different people have different ideas on the same problem and have diverse solutions.
⑤ Know the problem of part and whole
. We may only see the part but not the whole.Similarly, a method works this time, but may not work next time.
If a child can master the above five aspects, his social skills can be greatly improved and he will become a "social expert".
2: Method hidden in the "hand"
If we want to improve the child's emotional intelligence and cultivate his social skills, we must guide the child to think about the problem in time when he encounters problems.
As mentioned above, ICPS uses 4 steps to help children look at problems from multiple angles, find other outlets for problems, and develop high social skills. The four parts of
are - identifying problems, experiencing feelings, more methods and the consequences of things. We can reach out our right hand and use our wrists, arms, fingers and nails to see these steps more specifically.
For example, a child wants to play with others, but someone pushes him away and says, "You go away, I won't play with you."
At this time, we may directly tell the child: "It's no big deal, we don't care about it yet, go."
Such statements will only make the child feel deeply frustrated. We might as well use the ICPS method to try to develop children's ideas.
①Wrist: Identify the problem
Let’s first ask the cause and effect of the matter: “Baby, why do you think they don’t play with you?”
Children will say, “They don’t like me.”
Hmm, think about it again? What do you think is the reason they don’t like you joining?
The child may answer: "I don't know."
You can tell him what you are observing: Mom thinks they are not familiar with you.
We must first identify the problem clearly and don’t rush to make a conclusion.
②Then the arm: Experience and feel
First ask the child’s feelings: They reject you, how do you feel?
"Angry, unhappy!"
asked others about their feelings again: Then do you think they are not familiar with you, but you want to join again, what will they think?
"They don't want it"
Let children understand their own feelings, not limited to themselves.
③Finger: Is there any other way?
Next is to guide children to develop their thinking and think about other ways. We will clench our right fist and ask the child first: Then what do you think you can do when you encounter this situation?
"The person who pushed me." stretched out his thumb , well, the first method, what else?
"Go away and go home." stretches out index finger , it's very good, the second way, is there anything else?
"Tell mom." stretched out his middle finger , well, not bad, the fourth method, is there any other way?
"Share my snacks and toys." stretched out his ring finger , it's so good, think about it again, what else can we do?
"Look at the side." finally stretched out his little finger , wow, you have thought of 5 methods in total!
We use the method of reaching out our fingers to intuitively tell our children: Even if this road does not work, we still have many other options and are not in a deadlock.
If you can't remember the methods your child said, you can also draw a palm shape on paper and write these methods next to each finger.
④ fingernail —What are the consequences?
is OK. Let’s take a look at what consequences will each method just mentioned bring?
What will happen if you hit someone?
"They will hit me too."
Then go home directly?
"I feel uncomfortable and can't make friends."
tells my mother?
"I want my mother to help me and tell them."
share your toys and snacks?
"They may accept it and are willing to play with me."
is watching from the side?
"Look at how they play. If you need help, I will go up."
asked one last question: Which method do you think is the best?
Leave the option to the child.
Another thing is that if the child cannot consider it, we can help him supplement it.
For example, if you go home directly, there is nothing wrong with that. Maybe this group of people is not suitable for making friends with you. Moreover, it is also good to ask your mother for help. When you don’t know what to do, you can use the power of others to achieve your goal.
When a child encounters setbacks, we should not rush to draw conclusions and give answers. What we need to do is to "teach it to fish" and let the children think for themselves.
Slowly, the child can learn: "This method is OK, if it is OK, I will think of other methods."
On the road to growth of children, it is really "advance all the way to fight monsters."
Instead of helping him kill monsters directly, we might as well help him strengthen his ability to fight monsters. What do you think?
[Pictures come from the Internet, invade and delete]
Author profile: Cuckoo's mother, a mother who is good at observing, thinking and has a way. Focus on children's psychology , understand the easy raising of children, follow them if you like it~
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