From the day of birth, each child has a biological driving force: 's closeness to the mother.
When he feels his mother is away, he will cry loudly. And when they are gently embraced by their mother, they will feel safe, warm and comfortable.
In the subsequent growth process, due to the different personality and educational philosophy of the mother, the relationship between the child and the mother began to show different types.
Some children will immediately pick it up gently when they just show their crying and uneasy emotions, humming a song in their mouths, and slowly caressing the child's back in their hands. The child's emotions will be immediately soothed.
However, some children still remain indifferent even if they cry loudly. Because some mothers believe that children need to learn to be independent and their emotions need to be adjusted by themselves.
In psychology, the interaction between mother and child is divided into safe attachment relationships and unsafe attachment relationships. And your relationship with your mother is destined to fall in love with and who will be attracted to.
1: Children with safe attachment relationships, intimate relationships in the future
Children who grow up in a safe attachment relationship will be relieved in a timely manner, and their positive emotions will also be positively feedback from their mothers.
In childhood growth, they are always in a stable and warm environment. This does not mean that they do not have the ability to resist setbacks.
Studies have found that children who grow up in a secure attachment relationship have stronger autonomy, strong empathy, sense of responsibility, and have a keen and more positive perception of the external environment.
The most important feature of them is that they can always feel their value from their hearts.
When they become adults, they will be attracted by people who treat themselves like their mothers, and they will also give their lover the same safe and intimate experience as their mothers.
Their relationship will take place in an atmosphere of equality and respect. They will not control each other, nor will they compromise. In this relationship, there is a relaxed sense of trust.
Even if there is a disagreement, we can reach a consensus in an atmosphere of equal respect.
2: Insecure attachment: children who grow up under emotional deprivation, intimate relationships in the future
Some mothers love their children, especially differently. Their maternal love is limited to keeping the children from being hungry and freezing. Apart from that, there is really nothing worth paying for.
For example, when children cry and feel uneasy, it is difficult for them to give their children a full hug and caress;
Children need their mother to play with, but the mother has no interest in the children's toys. The child needs to play alone, and the mother immerses in her own world;
What the child is injured is not the mother's gentle comfort, but loudly blames: they blame their children for being too naughty and playful, and blame them for being too fragile, and cry even if they have a minor injury, and they also prohibit their children from being sad, because this will make the mother uneasy; children like
What children experience in mothers is "emotional deprivation".
Our lives are always repeating the patterns of childhood.
Because no matter how bad the environment in childhood is, that sense of familiarity can make us feel safe.
So when we grow up, we establish intimate relationships with others, and we often recreate the attachment relationship pattern with our mother in childhood.
Children who grow up in emotional deprivation are more likely to be attracted by cold and alienated people when they are adults. They will be obsessed with their lovers' closeness.
If a loving person approaches or a relationship begins to heat up, they begin to be anxious and subconsciously want to escape.
When getting along with his lover, he is unwilling to express his needs and will not directly tell the other person how he feels.
He would think: As long as you love me, you will understand me. If you don't understand me, then you just don't love me.
He will accuse his partner of not caring about himself enough and is prone to anger and tantrums.
However, when the other party really starts to care about himself and devote himself to love, he will deliberately destroy the relationship to repeat the experience of deprivation in his childhood.
3: Insecure attachment: children who are used to dependence, intimate relationships in the future
This kind of scenario is common in our lives. When the child wants to jump down from a not too high place, the mother quickly stops it, for fear of falling.
In order to make the child focus on his study, his mother will handle everything in his life.
Children only need clothes to reach out and food to open their mouths.
Many children cannot take care of themselves until they go to college.
In fact, the child has also tried to become independent, but every time he was stopped by his mother for various reasons.
He cannot make his own decisions because every decision is simply and roughly interfered with by his mother.
He cannot explore the world freely, because every time he explores, there is a figure of his mother blocking him in front of him.
So the child stayed in a state of dependence with peace of mind, allowing the mother to control all aspects of his life.
When he grows up, he will have two completely opposite ways of behavior: either find someone who can take care of himself and rely on him.
Or try to devote yourself to your work and fight against your inner sense of dependence (overcompensation) in an absolutely independent way.
needs to rely on other people's personalities to make him feel his fragility at all times. In this way, the lover who attracts him in the future may be a person with a strong desire to control himself, and he also tolerate the other party to control himself, even if he gives up his rights.
He is very conflicted. On the one hand, he is suffering from being controlled by others, and on the other hand, he needs to rely on the other party and is reluctant to escape from this relationship.
This contradiction always puts him in anger and anxiety.
Overcompensated dependency personality will appear very independent on the surface when you grow up.
But he has a strong sense of self-esteem. When encountering difficulties, he will find a way to solve them by himself, rather than seeking help from others.
He will be anxious about the achievements he has made and think he is not worthy of such a result.
In this way, his life is always in pain.
He likes independence, and when it comes to finding lovers, he will think that dependence is shameful.
So you are not allowed to ask the other party for any possibility of taking care of yourself. And they will be particularly sensitive to the other party's possible control of their own behavior.
There are traces to whom the child will fall in love with or be attracted to in the future.
This is very closely related to his relationship with his mother in childhood.
More times, the child’s future objects are replicas from the mother, and the shadow of the mother.
Have you noticed such an interesting thing?
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