The child is studying oral major. When he sees a doctor in class, he is a little worried and afraid when he sees a doctor at risk of being infected when performing surgery on the mouth of a patient with sexually transmitted diseases. The father's response to his child was "Dangerous and not terrible, the key is to master risk aversion skills."
In my father's opinion, there are dangers in doing any work. Some dangers can be avoided through skills. Avoiding danger is the main task. From an objective perspective, what my father said is nothing wrong.
Since the father is right, why will the child get angry next?
The father’s original intention may be to comfort the child. Danger can be avoided and there is no need to worry. But this allows children to experience that their worries and fears are redundant and worthless.
The child’s real feelings are worry and fear. He saw his feelings and expressed them, wanting his father to feel distressed and comforted, but he did not expect to be denied by the rational father.
Angry children no longer express their anger and anger directly. Instead, he changed to a more tactful way and asked his father if his back pain was hurt. The cleverness of this question is that it hides a lot of real emotions and thoughts in it, and you will not be aware of it if you don’t think about it carefully.
"Pay attention to protection and keep exercising, and it won't hurt." The rational father has not seen his daughter's true emotions at this moment. The real meaning of the child’s question was not captured by his father, and the child’s emotions were not responded better.
At this moment, we can see that the communication between father and son is no longer on the same channel, and the two are playing Tai Chi. The child borrowed a question and pointed out that his father did not feel pain when he stood and spoke, and he could not understand others. However, a father with high IQ made a wrong judgment because he could not capture the true emotions of others, thinking that the child was asking about his physical condition.
Next, the child readjusted his conversation, returned to the beginning, and expressed his opinion again: oral surgery is dangerous. My father explained to him again, because there is danger, so be careful.
cannot get the response he wants, and in the end the child simply expressed his needs and expectations, wanting his father to feel distressed and let his father express his concern for the child. This time my dad finally understood.
Family Therapy Master Satya has told us that to understand a person, we not only need to understand external language and actions, but also our inner feelings, emotions, thoughts, expectations and desires.
Analyze the child's iceberg, we can see that: the child's behavior is to send messages to communicate with his parents; his feeling is to worry, fear, a little anxious, and even a little fear in it; his idea is that when a doctor performs oral surgery on patients with sexually transmitted diseases, he will be at risk of being infected; he hopes that his parents can give some heartache and comfort and give enough attention; he is eager for understanding and love.
It is obvious that this father did not give the heartache and An Wei the child wanted, nor did he give the child the love he wanted, but gave the child some of his own opinions and "self-righteous love". What a father lacks is the ability to empathize with others.
What is empathy? Empathy is the ability to put yourself in the shoes of others and feel the emotions of others. In order to survive when we were young, we humans had a natural common ability, to observe our faces and be understanding. But the education we received from childhood to adulthood has allowed us to learn to look at the things around us more objectively and treat things happening around us more rationally, while ignoring the empathy we have learned since childhood.
How can we regain empathy?
First of all, we must lower our posture and have an empty cup mentality. Use awe to have a conversation with others in life. It is easy for us to do this when facing superiors, prestige or excellent people, but it is difficult for us to do this when facing subordinates, wives, children, students or people who are inferior to ours in all aspects. Adults are older than children and experience more things. When children encounter problems, adults will unconsciously preach to them.This kind of preaching is not the need of children but our needs. We need to show our strengths and confidence in front of people who are weaker than us to gain a sense of superiority and control.
Secondly, we must learn to listen. Listening is also a kind of ability, and listening shows a person's patience. When we listen carefully to others' words, we will have a comprehensive understanding of others, increase our understanding of them, and be able to feel the feelings of others. Only by listening to other people's words can we look at others more objectively and fairly, evaluate others, and empathize with others to others. The father at the beginning of the article will reply in time when he sees his child sending a message. Here, it can be seen that the father loves his children. The father hopes to help his daughter as soon as possible, but the result is contrary to his wishes.
Then, we must learn to respect. Respect is an excellent quality. In the past, I thought others respect me because I was excellent, but later I realized that others respect me because I was excellent. Respecting others means we should respect others’ differences from us; respecting others means that others are an independent individual; respecting others means that others are not transferred by our will.
Finally, we must let go of ourselves. We cannot only focus our attention on ourselves, but also shift our focus to others. For example, a child goes home and tells his parents about the unfair things he encounters at school: being excluded by his classmates and sarcastic from his teachers. Parents should ask their children in detail what happened at school, rather than telling how hard they were or questioning their children what they did wrong, so that they can have such an experience.
empathy is the bridge for us to communicate well with others; it is the lubricant for us to get closer to others; it is a key to our happiness. Friends, do you have it? Everyone is welcome to leave a message in the comment area.
I am a laughing person, smiling at life, talking about growth; Women's Federation public welfare psychological counselor, healing yourself and helping others. If you want to know me, yourself and others, please follow me and let us think about exploring growth together.
