You shout at the child, is it really the child's fault? wrong! Expanding mental capacity can parents not be upset

In many cases, the child is not really wrong. Why the parents still yell at the child? This is because the parent's "mental capacity" is small. @傻妹读

In the face of children's unreasonable troubles, most of the parents will yell like this:

• What a noise, I am exhausted , Don't bother me;
• has said how many times, telling you to tidy up the toys, where did your ears go;
• when did you learn to sophistry? Did I ask you to talk back when I raised you so big?
• I think the farther away from him, the better. I'm so bored, it's too difficult to reason with them;

I believe many parents have had this experience, maybe we can give ourselves I found many reasons: I have such a violent temper, I can say whatever I want to say; I want to control my temper, but I can't control it; let him suffer a bit can give the child a little memory.

However, in the face of our emotional out-of-control and yelling, the child cried in a mess, and let the child pay for the parents’ mistakes. Is it really okay?

Zhihu posts where many parents are seeking solutions: "I yell at my child when I am impatient. How can I remedy and apologize?" "Is there a way to control mothers from getting angry?" , I regret and blame myself after I roar." "I still can't hold back, seeing the child make the same mistake again, I really can't tolerate it." Roaring regret, regret roaring, like an endless loop, let the child and The parents lost their connection.

So what exactly should be done so that the children are not scared and the parents are not mad? This requires understanding "mental capacity". Therefore, the content of this article is roughly divided into three parts:

• What is mental capacity? What are its influencing factors?
• Where is the real source of the "anger mechanism" induced by the decrease in mental capacity?
• The "three wells" of parents' self-care will take you out of the dilemma of diminishing "mental capacity" and continue to love your children.

01. Do you know that "mental capacity" affects how you feel about yourself and your children? Let’s understand the three major factors affecting mental capacity

What is "mental capacity"?

"Psychological capacity" is a noun in management psychology. It refers to the psychological load that a person can bear. There is a certain limit to a person's mental capacity. When external stimuli (J psychological shock) When a certain limit is exceeded, a psychological mutation will occur. This principle is called the principle of mental capacity.

Mental capacity is flexible. Let me give a simple example to illustrate:

The mother who is a music teacher returns home from work. During the day, she held a parent meeting, rehearsed chorus for two or two hours, and exchanged ideas for the opening ceremony of the sports meeting with the students , The regular meeting of the class teacher at noon, the teaching and research in the afternoon, plus 5 large classes a day, at this time, when you enter the door, what do you think she wants to do most? Of course rest! At this time, if the children pester her mother to tell stories and play games, she may become extremely impatient and even angry. At this time, her mental capacity is relatively small.

In order to better understand what "mental capacity" is, let's first take a look at what are the "influencing factors of mental capacity"? It generally has three influencing factors:

• stress level
• knowledge level
• health level

Let’s take a look at the following, these three factors are How to affect mental capacity.

①Stress level: one of the factors that affect mental capacity, there is an inverse relationship between the two

To put it simply, stress level is "mental capacity". The higher the stress level, the smaller the mental capacity. When we are under tremendous pressure and hope to be the "perfect mother", we are particularly vulnerable to the difficult situation of a "see-saw war" with our children.

A friend asked me for help. She hasn’t been out for eight years since she had a baby. I asked her what she was doing, and she replied "busy at work, busy with baby, husband away from home". I asked her "Do you need your own space and a little free time most now?" She replied "Yes, but if you have your own space, you don't think there is much to do." "I asked her to try to sort out what she wants to do, what she likes to do, and do these things whenever she has time, so that it will nourish your own. For example, if you want to do 5 small things? My friend's first thought is to want to eat one. The meal was not disturbed by children. So, there was a hot pot party on our weekend.

later told me that I was very happy, too uncompressed, and it’s been a long time since it’s been so cool, and it seems that I’m going out so chic Once, let go and come back. When facing children, they will be more powerful, gentler, and more energetic to continue to fight wits and courage with them.

It can be seen that mental capacity and stress level are inversely proportional.

②Knowledge level: continuous learning, mental capacity will also increase

Knowledge level includes both the level of reserve knowledge and application knowledge Level of ability.After becoming mothers, many women choose to take care of their children full-time. They focus on their children, but ignore their own learning and growth. Their parenting concept still stays at the simple and narrow “primitive level” "Especially the parenting rules learned from the older generations. They have very poor knowledge of how to adjust psychologically, eliminate worries, cultivate will, and properly mediate parent-child relationships.

There are also some mothers, Faced with the various parenting bibles that sell anxiety as proposed in fragmented articles, they don’t know how to identify them. When facing the child as a living individual, they are at a loss.

"Burke's Life Development Psychology" Wrote:

Development lasts a lifetime. There is no age stage that has the most important impact on the whole life process. Changes in each stage have an equally important impact on the path of future development and changes.

Therefore, this part of the mothers who are in the learning anxiety zone will gradually realize that learning knowledge itself will not make all the problems disappear. people learn to grow when they are constantly searching for and solving problems , This process itself is the process of parents and children growing up together. The process of learning is to let you know where the right direction is, and not to follow the crowd.

③Health level: the body’s own Health status will be reflected psychologically to a certain extent.

Health refers to the physical and mental health. I remember a sentence I read in a book before:

"self It can't really be hurt, those suppressed and distorted energy will burst out in other deformed ways. The lower your health level, the more explosive this way of outward divergence. ”

Many parents who lose their tempers with their children may not be really grumpy, maybe because of physical discomfort, or the accumulation of internal emotional garbage, without knowing it. is full of garbage. The body cannot free up its hands to welcome gifts, and it cannot take care of the children’s needs.

In short, mental capacity actually refers to when we scoff at children, it is often because the inner space is full. Like a glass of water, if our own glass of water is empty, it is really not available, so it will blow up inexplicably. In addition to the above three factors, the surrounding environment, society, family, life, etc. To varying degrees affects the "mental capacity of parents."

However, no matter what it was, it caused more or less harm to the child. Parents with low mental capacity, the children they produce are either "cowardly and insecure", or lack decisiveness and indecision in doing things, or "get angry when you encounter problems", or "behave when you see others' faces. To please". So, what is the operating mechanism behind the decrease in mental capacity? Here, we need to understand the "anger mechanism".

02. The decrease in mental capacity induces parents' "anger" and brings them to children What are the effects? Parents need to recognize the reasons behind their yelling.

The old saying goes "annoyed into anger", which means that when we express anger, it is caused by "annoyed" and "shy" . This idiom is still very suitable here to describe the relationship between parents and children. When we show anger in front of children, we are often annoyed and shy behind it. Anger is a way that makes us feel special. Vent emotionally with strength.

However, Laura, a PhD in psychology from Columbia University, said:

Never hit a child, don’t scold a child, don’t scold a child, don’t threaten Children. No children should be yelled or reprimanded. For us in anger, "screaming" is not the only way out. Scientific research shows that the human brain neural network can be changed.

Change means Choice. "Anger" is a "two-way switch". If we choose the "Open" button to put our body and emotions in a fighting state of "either you win or I lose", the child will always be like our enemy. But ， When we see calm down and carefully explore the "source of anger", we will have a different experience. Now, I will talk about three of them:

• Parent Behind the anger, there must be some kind of appeal.
• Behind the anger is the reality that parents can’t control
• Anger is a very powerful force

Here are three aspects. Analyze one by one:

①Behind the anger, there must be some kind of appeal.

Colleague Z told me that she wanted to eat popcorn last night, and it must be the one in the cinema Old Z called his son who hadn’t gotten off work, hoping that he could bring a bucket home when he passed by after work. However, his son forgot to buy popcorn, opened the door and entered the house with nothing. When old Z started It was disappointment, and then the emotions became agitated, and angrily accused his son, "I will satisfy you for what you asked me to buy. Why did your mother let you buy such a small thing, you forgot? "Then walked into the kitchen and kneaded the dough for the whole night to vent his grievances.

Old Z’s chagrin on the surface was "a bucket of popcorn that was not taken home", but it was actually a kind of inner desire to be" "Care" wants to appeal. Similarly, children hope that adults can listen to them. After trying many methods and failing, they start talking hysterically, and may even "make loud noises". This is the hope that they will be responded to and paid attention to. If it is seen, "anger" will no longer start, otherwise, it will intensify. Therefore, behind the anger, there must be some emotions that we cannot face, and there are also demands.

②Behind the anger is the helplessness of reality that you can’t control

Niuniu’s mother hopes that her child can enroll in calligraphy classes and spend 2 hours a day Practicing calligraphy makes Niu’s mother very at ease. But Niu Niu is not happy. She prefers roller skating. She enjoys the feeling of flying, so whenever her mother asks Niuniu to go to the study to practice calligraphy, Niuniu goes to the bathroom for a while. After a while origami, finally, mother Annet couldn't help feeling angry, and yelled at Niuniu, "I have called you several times, why are you still dangling here? Why don't you go to practice calligraphy?" Niuniu responded absentmindedly and said to herself Gu does his own handwork.

When we have particularly high expectations for children: they practice beautiful calligraphy, but the children are not willing to do it according to their parents' requirements. At that moment, the expectations fell through. At that moment, we had a deep sense of anxiety about the future of our children. We were afraid that improper writing would affect the test scores. We also expressed helplessness at the children's indifference. We also felt disappointed that we could not let Niuniu listen to her own words. In short, at the moment when we issued the instruction, the child did not act according to the instruction. We would have a sense of frustration of control failure. After that, anger grew.

③Anger can accurately show where we are stuck, as well as the belief or fear we cling to.

Professor Eyal Winter of the Hebrew University of Jerusalem in "Cunning "Emotions" said:

Anger can increase your bargaining chips, anger can let us smell the breath of "threat", we can try to grasp our own beliefs, it is more helpful to reason decision making.

Let me give an example to illustrate:

For example, many singles are very afraid of the New Year, because when they get home, they are surrounded by eight aunts and seven aunts who will come and ask "Where do you work? ", "When are you going to get married?", "When are you going to have children?" If at this time, you can clearly distinguish your inner unhappiness, or you find yourself having "fear of marriage" when you are asked about these things, This is the time when you need to establish boundaries with those people. Anger will let you understand where your beliefs are, where your fears are, and what the bottom line is.

In short, anger may be due to some kind of appeal, some kind of uncontrollable reality, or the energy of inner fear. They obstruct the energy flow of love to a certain extent. So, what do we need to do to get out of the predicament of anger and let love flow freely? Here, expanding your "mental capacity" can help you.

03、Since you realize that yelling is not necessarily the child’s fault, it is because of the parents’ mental capacity. So how can parents expand their "mental capacity"?

Taiwan psychological counselor Hake has a great insight in "Let Love Become an Ability":

Don’t enter marriage before you learn to warm your heart.

is also particularly suitable for parents’ self-care. He believes that when we face emotional stimuli, especially anger, we should not rush to take action and train our own observation skills to help us out. Choose a dilemma and let your body and mind calm down. This inner peace ensures that our decisions are wise and full of love.

Here, on how to get out of the dilemma of decreasing "mental capacity", I provide 3 practical methods:

• "Three Wells" Method
• "Special Time" Method"
• "Discourse guide" method

This looks more complicated, but in fact, each method has simple techniques and steps. Let me explain one by one below:

①The "three wells" method nourishes life and expands the energy of the mental container

What is the "three wells" method?

To put it simply, everyone needs three wells: one "家居井", which can put our souls in the habitat; one "交交交井", to contribute to our lives ; The last sip "爱情井" will accompany you to the end of your life. These three wells are necessary bargaining chips at different stages of life. is like digging the three wells in life.

The first well: self, parents, partners and children. The second well: discover the treasures of the circle of friendsThe third well in Tibet: Find the field, expertise or interest you are good at

Then, how to dig these three wells? We might as well try to ask ourselves 3 questions:

• Q1: Take a closer look at where are your three wells?
• Q2: How would you sort the three wells?
• Q3: What is the temperature of the three wells? And which well do you have the most energy to warm now?

In "My Girlfriend", what impressed me the most was the view of PAPI sauce-"the most important list of independent women’s lives". Papi’s rankings are: 1, myself; 2, partner; 3. Children; 4: Parents. In the same way, you can also ask yourself, where is the place in your life among these three wells. What can you do more or less so that such a well can bring you more nourishment?

As long as anyone who has been in love knows, the well of your partner will dry up very easily and the relationship will get stuck. It is inevitable, and it is also one of the essence of love. It is also the norm that the relationship is stuck and it is difficult to get out of trouble. . Because the well of the partner dries up too easily, it is necessary to operate the other two wells. Properly operating the other two wells is an important homework for adulthood. It can nourish life and expand the mental container.

Let me give an example to illustrate:

Xiaoling is a full-time mother. Every morning, she prepares a hearty breakfast, makes a good baking, and takes care of her children. , I always spare some time to spend time with my husband, watch a movie, or go to a small meeting, she will also go out for a happy girlfriend, go to a shopping mall, have a hairdressing, relax herself, Make her look energetic every day. In her view, tidying herself up is not for "beauty" to show her husband, but for her self-confidence and a good mood.

From the above example, it is not difficult to find that Xiaoling has handled the relationship between the three wells very well, making her life easier.

But in fact, there is no fixed order in life. Everyone has a different understanding of life, but behind each order is the presentation of their own values. Only when there is room in the heart, can the water of life be continuously injected.

②The "special time method" can enrich our mental capacity, so that life can be reconnected

The parent-child relationship needs to be maintained most obviously The evidence is the child's unruly behavior. If the child is disobedient, it means that there is a problem with the parent-child relationship. Therefore, the child no longer listens to you. The special time method helps to re-establish connection with the child. Then what is the special time method? It refers to a period of time that parents spend with their children alone. Specifically, the following 5 steps can be used to deeply connect with the children:

STEP1: Announcing that you want to spend 15 minutes with each child." Special time"

For example: write down five things you want to do with your children on the weekend, discuss with them and determine more implementation plans, to ensure that the weekend time together is more fun; give special time to A name can be named after the child, for example, "Duomi Time"……

STEP2: Set the time and tell the child the start and end time of the "special time"

Tell the child , During this time, he can choose and decide how to spend it; turn off the phone and have more time to communicate with the child intimately; or spend 10 to 15 minutes and snuggle gently with the child;

STEP3: Put all your attention on the child

For example, if the child wants to play hide and seek, it is up to the child to decide who will catch, who will hide, and the consequences of being caught. Don’t be impatient Announce the "adult rules", or spend a whileLego, parents sit quietly next to them, carefully observe the children’s thinking, play and creation, and occasionally express your concern for him "I see that the front of the car is already set up", and must not make any comments or pointers to the children , To ensure that children can feel your presence.

STEP4: Allow children to do things that are not normally allowed, and protect them silently.

For example, children usually like to play makeup games, but their parents are worried that it will harm their children’s skin. In special times, you can prepare some better quality lip gloss and blush, and let the children apply makeup to themselves. Parents can also ask their children to make-up for themselves;

STEP5: When the special time is over, don’t forget to give your child a hug

Tell your children how you feel "I love being with you. I’ve spent this pleasant time together and look forward to the next date.” If the child is still not satisfied, parents only need to gently stick to their usual practices, but don’t extend the “special time” because of the child’s crying.

In short, don’t block the connection with the children due to the pressure of work and life. Take 15 minutes of special time. In the parent-child interaction, not only the children’s "mental capacity" increases, but also Parents will also benefit a lot. In other things, it will be relatively easy to win the cooperation of their children.

③Discourse guides instead of control, parents’ mental capacity expands, so they can hold the child’s "errors"

Daniel, the author of "Emotional Intelligence" .Gorman said:

If you can’t control your emotions, if you don’t have self-knowledge, if you can’t manage your negative emotions, if you can’t push yourself to others and have effective relationships, no matter how smart you are , It is impossible to go very far.

Parents, if they can be aware of their emotions in time, and can protect themselves from the influence of emotions, they will set an example of emotional adjustment in front of their children for future children to observe and follow. Here are 3 ways to "guide rather than control" that can be operated:

STEP1: Threat protection grammar VS action hint grammar

• Watching TV sitting so close, your eyes Go blind!
• Hey, can't go there! Danger, you will be crushed to death!
• Come down! Don't stand on a chair and jump around, you will fall to death!

This grammar is called threat protection grammar, which is some old grammar that many of us are more accustomed to using. It is actually a kind of care behind it, but after a long period of time, it is easy to plant the seeds of fear of the east, fear of the west, fear of adventure, and fear of trying.

Let’s look at another syntax.

• Let's try to make the little butt stick to the sofa, um, stick it!
• Come on baby, mom tells you, near the water, we can bend down or squat down!
• Baby, you stand on a chair and dance, come, let's see if we can let our little feet fall on the ground and dance!

with positive action guidelines, so that children have directions to follow and can do. Replace "with fear to prevent undesirable behavior" with "with encouragement to give direct safety action guidelines", so that children have clear and operable positive action guidelines, get safety and care, and dare to explore and dare Freedom, be brave and be yourself.

STEP2: Every parent must have his own golden sentence

Wait a moment vs. Coming soon:

There is a common scene where a child’s milk is screaming Shout, mother, come here. How do you respond? "Wait a minute, mom finished this", "WaitNext, you’ll have to play first, mother still has to do..." Children will think that washing dishes and clothes are more important than themselves.

"Legend" mother Chen Meiling, is a smash star, a PhD from Stanford University, My three children have all been sent to Stanford University to see what grammar she uses.

but vs at the same time:

"Mom loves you, but can you do your homework first? "(Mom's love is conditional)

'Mom loves you, and at the same time, can you do your homework." (Expressing love and expressing expectations)

We will get used to only hearing The content following "but" and "but" ignores the goodwill in front. When we use words like "simultaneously", the other party who receives the information will have a better chance to hear our goodwill and real needs at the same time.

STEP3: Expression of various ideas

personification : Son, is the fire-breathing dragon starting to breathe fire? May I ask what we can do, it will be a little less powerful?

设问法: Communicate with a snack-eating kid like this: Ask your elf, how many chips can the elf that loves eat? How many chips can a healthy elf eat?

Regularization: What is the happiest/ most unhappy thing today? (Don’t ask if you finished your homework? How was it at school? What did you learn today? Do you have any money?)

Parents can also think of more interesting expressions suitable for their children, and they can also be with their children Discuss and create together. I have a friend who is prone to lion roar. For me who is prone to lion roar, discuss with her daughter in advance. When she sees her mother is on the verge of getting angry, she coquettishly says: Mom, red light and red light. Mom will notice and adjust her face in time.

Having said so much, some friends may ask if there is a master key, a key that can be used in all situations, yes.

STEP4: Master key-practice speaking out your feelings

added a step before solving things, which is to touch his emotions first. In short, it means to solve the mood first , Then solve the matter. For example, if the child's beloved dog is dead and crying there, how would you respond to him? "Don't cry, the dog has gone to heaven, buy you one more, let's bury the dog in the garden behind" "I know you are sad, very sad, your dog is dead, it is your most Good friend". Which kind of response do you think can make the child stop crying more? If it were me, I would choose the second one.

In short, there are many psychological factors behind the parents yelling at their children, not just because the children made some mistakes. As an adult, parents should pay more attention to the negative impact of their own psychological factors on their children, and they must have the ability to give love even in a difficult situation.

This is a compulsory course for each of our parents. Only when parents expand their mental capacity, can they pretend the little mistakes of the child and tolerate the unavoidable children’s growth. Stumbling.

finally summarize the full text:

In life, many parents complain that their emotional collapse is because of their own bear children. In fact, in my opinion, children must make some mistakes in the process of growing up. As parents, they cannot scientifically control their emotions and yell at their children. This is actually caused by their own "Insufficient mental capacity" .

So how do parents get out of the dilemma of diminishing "mental capacity" and continue to love their children? In the third part of the article, I provide three practical methods:

One, the "three wells" method, so that your life will be nourished and energy, broaden your mental capacity

Second, the "special time method", which allows you to reconnect with your child's life, and spend a warm time

Third, discourse guides instead of control, so that children are willing to cooperate with you in difficult situations Continue to give love and reap love in

Related reference materials:

"Positive Discipline in the Classroom", "Parents Peaceful Children's Happiness", "No Yelling or No Yelling"

Written at the back: I am a silly girl who focuses on self-growth and is also a national second-level psychological counselor. You can ask me any questions you encounter during the process of parenting. I hope my suggestions can help you solve them. The troubles and confusions in the baby process, thank you for your liking and attention @傻妹读