Hello everyone, I am Cuckoo's mother~
Take Bu Niu to the mall and meet a mother and son, and they have never been quiet.
The boy was curious. When he saw this, he wanted to touch it; when he saw that, he wanted to lie on it and see it clearly.
Mom followed behind and kept shouting: Don’t touch it! Do not move! Have you heard that I talk to you?
Following my mother to look at her clothes, the boy felt bored, so he dragged his mother out. The mother pulled the child back and still shouted: , please be quiet!
The boy began to lose his temper, and his mother couldn't help it and yelled again: , what's the quarrel? You know how to quarrel every day!
Wu Niu saw this and whispered to me, Mom, that boy’s mother is so fierce. I smiled and took her to somewhere else.
Boys are a little naughty, and that mother may be tired too.
is just, many people don’t know that if you yell at your child frequently, it will not only affect the child’s psychological state, but also hurt the brain and affect the child’s IQ .
1: Children who are often yelled may have amazing changes in their IQ
University of Michigan once conducted an experiment and found that the pain caused by emotions and the body responded very similarly in the brain area.
For example, "heartache", different levels of heartache will cause pain almost equal to the body in your brain nervous system .
So, when we yell at the child, the child’s brain suffers from the same level of pain as physical injury.
Not only that, Dr. Martin Teche, a Ph.D., of Harvard Medical School, also found that language pressure can cause "damage" to children's brain.
Scientists once conducted an experiment. They scan the brains of two types of children of similar age, gender, and family background. As a result, it was found that there was a huge difference in the brains of children who were often yelled and scolded.
Children who are often yelled have a brain capacity that is significantly smaller than that of children who are not yelled, and their intelligence is also damaged.
Psychologist Jane Nelson once said that when a child faces huge language pressure, his brain is thinking about how to deal with this pressure, which leads to the inability to better explore the environment and develop intelligence.
Because the focus is on how to deal with stress, the child's personality will also become cautious, timid, flattering, etc. Such a personality will accompany him to grow up and affect his thinking patterns in his future life.
2: What makes you angry?
Every time I say try not to yell at my child, a parent will leave me a message saying: How can I not yell at me? The child can yell at you every minute. Roar him? It would be nice if you don’t get started!
Yes, as a parent, it is hard to say that you can raise your child for 10 or 20 years, and you can always have a good temper and not yell at your child.
includes myself. Sometimes I get angry with the bukkake and can't help but yell at her.
is just yelling at the child. Apart from hurting him, it seems that it does not have a real educational effect. After yelling this time, the child will understand the truth and remember it for the rest of his life. Will he never make any mistakes again?
won't!
I have read a sentence in a book before: Whenever you are angry, ask yourself, why are you angry?
Why are you angry? Is this still necessary? Because the child is disobedient!
The child is the only one who follows you. Whatever you say is what you say, and he doesn’t have any of his own thoughts and thoughts, won’t you be angry?
doesn't seem to be...
Then, what makes you angry? In
" Non-violent Communication ", there are several keywords for resolving conflicts - feelings and needs.
Because the child has not experienced your feelings and has not met your needs. So, you are angry.
or vice versa, you don’t see the child’s feelings and don’t understand his needs. So, you are angry.
is like the mother and son I mentioned above.
Mom needs to enjoy the shopping process with peace of mind and relaxation, but the child has always made her worry.The boy needs to explore freely and fun and novel, but his mother keeps asking him to do boring things.
So, they had a parent-child conflict.
3: Understand your own needs
Many times, we know what we don’t want, but we often don’t know what we want.
"Parent-Child Communication Password" mentions that when there is a conflict, you might as well ask yourself 4 questions to find your true needs.
For example, I compete with Bu Niu every night.
After dinner in the evening, I began to urge her to wash up, hoping to try to take her to bed around 8:30. When taking a bath, she wants to play and take a bath; after taking a bath, she says she is hungry and wants to eat; after eating, she needs to dress the doll, saying that the doll is cold; after wearing it, she still has to tell stories, and she can't sleep without telling her.
After a while of tossing, it was already nine o'clock. Sometimes when I see her procrastinating, I can't help but yell.
Later I will ask myself, what do I want?
Want her to wash up and go to bed early. Next, ask yourself the following 4 questions to clarify your true thoughts. What is the use of
①?
What is the use of going to bed early?
is good for the body and is conducive to the development of the child's brain; when you get up the next day, you will not be late to school; it is conducive to developing the good habit of going to bed early and getting up early.
②What did I do to achieve my goal?
I kept urging you, hurry up, don’t be too slow, I won’t sleep until I finish it, I won’t care about you...
③What are the bad consequences of doing this?
arouses the child’s rebellious mentality, and the more urges her, the slower she is, the more things happen, and the less willing she is to sleep.
④ Do I want such a result?
does not want it. I want to get along happily with my kids, to gently remind her that I want to get her cooperation rather than confrontation. After asking these four questions
, we are very clear about our inner needs, and re-examine this matter and look at the conflict with our children with another way of thinking.
4: Change behavior
There is a saying: "Every attack between parents and children is a tragic expression of love."
isn't it? We yell at our children anxiously, but isn't it out of love? It’s just that our love is hidden behind anger and is expressed in a tragic way, so that the child can only see anger but not love.
If children can feel our love and kindness, they will not deal with us in anger and confrontation.
So, how can children be willing to cooperate with us? Try the following steps.
① Confirm that you need
By asking myself 4 questions, I confirm that what I need is cooperation, and I will in turn confirm the needs of Bu Niu.
I will tell her what I need first: "Mom wants to go to bed in another hour, can we go and wash up?"
Bu Niu will tell me, don't.
Why?
Bu Niu replied, I don’t want to sleep.
Children may not know what they need, so they just give a general answer, which requires us to guide them.
I would ask her if she wants me to be more patient? Want me to accompany her more? Or do you want to play more?
After the child makes a choice and confirms the need, we can proceed to the next step.
②Close the gap
There will definitely be a gap between the needs of children and our expectations. At this time, we need to narrow the gap. The best way is to interpret the needs of your child:
You don’t want your mother to keep urging you, I hope your mother can be more patient; when you were in school, you hope I will be with you for a while; if you don’t have enough fun, you want to play for a while.
interprets the child’s needs and lets him know that you are looking at the problem from his perspective, not his opposite.
In this way, the distance between parents and children will be closer. When you make suggestions and ideas later, your children will be more receptive.
③Create a plan
In this step of planning, we must give the decision to the child, so that he will have a sense of power and be more willing to cooperate.
For example, after understanding the needs of both parties. I will ask Bu Niu:
Mom is now silent and very patient. Then go take a shower. What do you need to prepare?
If you want your mother to spend more time with you, wouldn’t it be better if we play two more games? You decide what we play?
You want to play for a while, then tell your mom, what else do you want to play? How long to play?
Let the child make his own decisions, and many things can be solved easily.
The child who is often yelled will suffer amazing damage to his brain. Only when the children see the needs of both parties will they be more willing to cooperate with us.
The above steps, I hope it can help you~
【Pictures come from the Internet, invade and delete immediately】
Author profile: Cuckoo's mother, a mother who is good at observing, thinking and has a way. Focus on children's psychology , understand the easy raising of children, follow them if you like it~
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