During the National Day, I went to the scenic spot with friends and took her 5-year-old child.
Passing by a shop selling specialty ice cream, the attractive aroma, cute shape, and the hotter weather, the front door is crowded with children who stop and taste.
The happy little girl immediately "can't walk" immediately, staring straight at the ice cream in other people's hands, swallowing hard, hesitating for a while, timidly Ask a friend: "Mom, can I have an ice cream?"
The friend took the child's hand and left.
The little girl was unhappy, and stayed still. My friend was a little impatient: "Is there no ice cream for sale outside? I have to buy it in the scenic spot. It is expensive and unpalatable!"
Bowed his head.
A friend who is usually mild-tempered, but suddenly changed his face: "What can be wronged by this? I won't take you out to play after this!"
5p I want to buy one for my child,I was also stopped by a friend: "This kid is too naive, don't get used to her!"
later on that day, the little girl was not very interested, talked very little, and had fun. On the way home, her friend offered to buy her an ice cream as compensation, and she pouted and walked away.
In fact, both friends and husband have a good income, which can fully satisfy the children’s demand for ice cream, but she chose to refuse it because, in her opinion, it is a low cost and not Reasonable needs should not indulge children.
"Shopping in scenic spots" may indeed not be a wise choice, but many parents have overlooked one point: "buy" the child's wish to fulfill and enrich her inner experience, but it is It is of profound significance.
castration demand, equal to castration self
in a "how to be a poor were later raised children." In the video, a similar story is also told:
When he was 8 years old,The girl wanted to buy a bottle of drink, and her mother annoyed her for ignoring the family conditions and asked her to go home to drink water. Dad was playing round the field next to him, "It's a matter of a few dollars," and my mother replied, "A few dollars is not enough, I'm teaching her to be sensible."
When she was 17 years old, her classmates asked a girl to watch a movie, and her mother disagreed. She said that without the spare money, she learned that "the child of the poor should be home early." The girl hardly made friends ever since.
23 years old, the girl is about to work, but she is very inferior, and even dare not accept the new clothes her father gave her. ".
Demand is an extension of self, and for children whose self is converging, how needs are treated will affect the stereotype of personality.
Especially when parents directly reject their children’s needs for economic reasons, the children may receive the following signals: _p5brp _p5brp _span1
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When the desire is formed, the child bets on something libido,Showing great interest and desire, this thing is equivalent to a beautiful existence in his heart.
Parents suppress their children's desires on the grounds of economic conditions, and they will be forced to give up good things, and there is exactly one equivalent in it-money.
When parents are unwilling to spend money and fail to protect their children’s sense of value, children can easily automatically attribute their “worthlessness” to themselves and are not worthy of this beauty.
If this "goodness" is just an ice cream, a bottle of drink, and its value is not high, the child will feel more "cheap".
② I am a cumbersome
is not easy to meet the needs of a small family, but it seems that the small family conditions cannot be emphasized. Broken parents and families.
At this time the parents are fragile in the eyes of the child. He begins to suppress all needs and becomes well-behaved and sensible, but at the same time he is full of doubts about his existence, living with guilt and anxiety Among them, desire is a scourge.
③ I'm very bad
1span 1span are fulfilled.When he is repeatedly rejected, the child will be in comparison and experience double pressure: I am inferior to others and my parents do not love me.
The result of these pressures is that 's self-image becomes very bad. He will feel that he is the worst in the crowd, no matter how good he becomes or how much he achieves. It is difficult to change this self-perception.
With the above, aggregates into the appearance of a poor and low self-esteem child, and a strong sense of unworthiness will be deeply embedded in the personality.
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Children are just driven by the unconscious, and in the unconscious, they are also lacking.
My friend is a "poor kid" who grew up:
, she was born in the countryside, There are also two younger brothers. Both parents are farmers, and their lives are relatively difficult. In addition to basic food and drink, her extra needs were almost never met in her childhood.
When she was 10 years old, she and her parents went to Beijing for the first time. She was especially greedy for the box lunch on the train. She usually never caused trouble for her family. She was very persistent that day and started crying on the spot.
Mother persuaded to no avail, she slapped her directly, and sternly said: "You are unreasonable, we don't want you!" He walked away without going back, and disappeared into the crowded carriage.
My friend was terrified, 's fear of being abandoned instantly replaced all desires , she never wanted to be curious since then.
"'This kind of thing is expensive and unpalatable, why are you so ignorant?' This sentence was scolded by my mother at the time. I didn't expect it to stay in my mind, and Pour to the daughter without knowing it." The friend gave a wry smile.
For friends,Desire means being abandoned and scolded. If there is desire, there will be pain. The only way for her to relieve pain is to maintain identification with her parents.
Identifies the concept of parents, the way they treat themselves, and the unreasonable needs of their own. This process is the "internalization" of external parents.
The inner parents will replace their outer parents to suppress their own needs and become a part of themselves Desires and needs are full of fear, I am extremely frugal, and I am reluctant to buy something I like.
And she also projected this fear to her daughter.
This is the intergenerational transmission of scarcity.
Such parents are not free. As long as they face needs, their hearts will unconsciously fall into the drama of "mean parents" and "wrongful children". They are overwhelmed by fear and helplessness, and they are powerless. See the true self and the child.
But the truth is, , the "wrong kid" has already grown up,With an independent and generous income, and the ability to moderately meet the needs of herself and her children, her desires are no longer terrible, and she no longer has to continue to suppress and feel wronged.
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Fear of mistreatment, more fear of spoiling, where is it?
To suppress desire is to suppress vitality, so my suggestion is: Reasonable needs and desires within the scope of the ability are generously satisfied and fulfilled.
There are two points here, one is a reasonable demand and the other is within the scope of ability.
Let’s talk about reasonable needs first. The so-called "reasonable", its judgment should be based on the child rather than the parent. That is to say, all the needs that can enrich the experience and develop the mind and personality are considered "reasonable."
For example, an ice cream in a scenic spot,Parents’ judgment may be based on the material value itself, the price is too expensive and unreasonable, but for children, in the picturesque and interesting moment, from the envy of other children, to the taste of special delicacies, this kind of experience. It is unique and meaningful.
This is a reasonable demand.
"Within the ability" lies in the parents' grasp of their own situation. At this time, they should be aware of themselves and avoid letting their sense of deprivation distort reality. The result is clearly satisfying but unwilling to satisfy.
Some people may be worried: Human desire is a bottomless pit, blindly satisfied and uncontrolled, won’t children become more and more greedy?
Desire itself is neutral and can be satisfied. Only the black hole of dissatisfaction can turn healthy desires into greedy desires.
The belief that children have "greed" may be a manifestation of parents projecting a strong sense of scarcity.
For the demand beyond the range of capacity,Parents are more required to cultivate narcissism, be able to discuss their limitations with their children calmly, and protect their sense of self-worth.
In the short film mentioned above, the girl’s father finally said a paragraph: "Don’t be influenced by your mother, you are excellent, because we are not able to give it. The life you want, put on this new clothes and fight for your new life. Come on, kid."
First, take back the feeling of powerlessness and frustration. To understand the value and potential of a daughter, this requires wisdom and courage. Although these words were a little late, they also injected great confidence and strength into the girl and became the basis for her transformation.
Finally, it is necessary to consciously cultivate children's outlook on money.
Satisfaction of desire is often inseparable from money, and money depends on labor in exchange.
can design or accompany children to participate in some social practice projects to help them experience the hardship and fun of making money in labor, which can not only enhance the understanding of parents, but also allow children to experience self-satisfaction. Empower the desire to realize and enjoy independently in the future.
Perhaps this is what they should know the most, rather than knowing how to cooperate with their parents and self-castration needs.
Material poverty is not terrible, but spiritual poverty is terrible.
Let the child become a person with desire, motivation, ambition and inner wealth. It is one of the best gifts that parents can give.
and Parents who grew up "mentally impoverished" can also take this opportunity to re-nurture themselves and nurture their inner "glorious children" more And filling.
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