The child's feelings cannot be ignored
The child comes home after school with a gloomy expression.
I asked him what's wrong?
He pointed his finger to his left knee and said, "I fell at school and my feet hurt a little."
"It's okay, it'll be fine in two days." It just scratched the skin, and I didn't take it too seriously, so I just said something casually.
Listening to what I said, the gloom on my son's face seemed even more gloomy.
At that moment, I suddenly realized that I did not empathize with my children.
The child told me that he fell and was injured. definitely wanted his mother's care and comfort. But I disapprovingly told him "It's okay", which is undoubtedly "worse worse."
Realizing that I was wrong, I immediately squatted down and asked him to give me his foot, then carefully checked his injured knee and rubbed it.
When I finished checking and kneading, my son's gloom disappeared, replaced by a smile on his face.
Fortunately, I realized it in time, and made an accurate response synchronously, otherwise I would ignore the child's feelings again.
British psychotherapist Philippa Perry said:
"Everything we do, every decision, is mixed with feelings. How we manage our feelings will affect children's learning management His feelings. Feelings and instincts are closely related. If we deny a child’s feelings, it may weaken his instincts.”
Feeling is connected with human instinct. When children's feelings are always ignored and no one cares, children will also ignore their own feelings.
Once the child’s feelings are dull,His instinct to connect his inner and outer world also weakened.
Caring and valuing the feelings of children is something we, as parents, must pay attention to.
Feeling is a person's most basic emotional ability
We must let children know that his feelings are very important.
Both positive and negative feelings can be recognized by parents.
actor Hu Ke is a mother who cares about children's feelings.
On the day Hu Ke gave birth to his second child, his father took his brother Anji to the delivery room to see his brother. Dad asked Angie to come closer, and Angie said he was scared.
When Dad saw Anji was scared, he said, let's go back. As a result, Angie burst into tears "wow". When Dad saw it, he was afraid of being too noisy, so he dragged Anji away quickly.
But on the way back, Angie got a rash. After being asked by the doctor, Anji got acute urticaria .
Just after Hu Ke learned the doctor's judgment, Hu Ke immediately understood it. She said this:
"As adults, as parents, we don't have the first time to pay attention to the child's feelings. So at that moment, he is very sad, and even has a feeling of being stripped away."
Children’s feelings are subtle, and children cannot express their feelings. If the parents cannot perceive them, they will only be ignored.
Anji is lucky after all, his mother has been caring for him, paying attention to him, and paying attention to his feelings.
Some children are not so lucky.
The Fan Shengmei in " Ode to Joy " is a child who is extremely neglected by his parents.
Fan Shengmei's parents have never cared about their daughter's feelings. What they see is always their daughter's external brilliance, but they can't see her daughter's inner wounds.
In their eyes, their daughter is just an item, an ATM. There is nothing else.
If the son owes money, he asks his daughter for money to repay the debt. When the son is about to get married, he asks his daughter for money to buy a wedding house. When the father is sick, he asks his daughter for money.
In the end, one party only asks for it, and the other party only knows how to give.
Parents never care about their daughter's feelings, and her daughter has already ignored her own feelings and lost the opportunity to connect with her heart.
In Fan Shengmei's eyes, her independent self has long been blurred.
"I wish my parents had read this book" there is a saying:
"Humans have feelings before they think. Babies and children attach great importance to feelings, how do you respond? It is important to respond to children’s feelings, because human beings, young and old, need important people in their lives to pay attention to and understand their feelings.”
It can be seen that parents value the feelings of their children, which is the basis for their healthy growth.
But the reality is that parents often ignore the feelings of their children.
For example, when we see our son crying, we will immediately tell him " boy, what to cry, blood and sweat but not tears ".
Parents often treat children with their own subjective thoughts and cognitions, but they don't know that doing so is just hurting the children.
How should we tolerate and understand children’s feelings?
- Know how to listen to children
Listen to children attentively,Instead of using your brain. The brain is sensible, it will not be moved or moved. Only the heart has emotion.
The reason why liking a person is called "tempered" is because liking is an emotion.
Listening to children must use our hearts.
Only with our heart can we see and hear what the child wants to express.
At the same time, this is also the first step in parent-child communication.
- Take seriously and confirm the feelings of the child
Speaking of taking seriously and confirming the feelings of the child, I remembered some of the feelings of my child caused by wrestling at the beginning of the article.
A long time ago, I didn't care much about the child's feelings, and being a boy again, I thought I didn't need to be too careful and just raise it rough.
But in fact, when I can seriously treat and confirm the many feelings of the child, the performance of the child to me is completely different.
is like a child telling me that he wrestled, from gloomy to grinning, just because I cared about the child's feelings and gave him his inner needs.
Philippa Perry, a psychotherapist with 20 years of experience, said:
"When our feelings can always be comforted by our parents, no matter what it is, we will look at it optimistically when we grow up. He will not easily fall into depression or anxiety in the future."
It is simply the difference between heaven and earth to care about children’s feelings. Children also need parents to care about his feelings.
- Develop the habit of talking about feelings
In daily life,Parents should allow and encourage their children to express their feelings freely, whether it is good or bad.
With this layer of space, children's feelings will not be ignored or suppressed.
In addition, parents should also pay attention to the expression of their emotions and teach by precepts and deeds.
Parents love to express and value their own feelings. Children will certainly pay attention to their own feelings .
Finally, I borrow a sentence from the founder of empathy coach Dong Guochen:
"Connecting with feelings has a very important value, which is to help parents and teachers. Train children to be people with their own souls, not a social machine."
Teaching children to connect with their own feelings is the most precious gift that parents give to children in their lives.
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