Hello~The "Anxiety-Free Calling" column is here~We will meet with you irregularly every week. The content of this call was compiled from the Anxiety-Free Parents Club roundtable Q&A.
Roundtable Q&A: Psychological counselor Teacher Yu Linlin answers questions about parenting in the club.
Question 1:
wants something that his parents don’t agree to buy for him, such as a fancy pencil case. After negotiating with him, he can exchange it by earning points for doing some good habits, but he can only accept rewards and stars, and cannot accept punishments and deduct stars. How to deal with this situation? What words or actions should be used to guide?
Yulinlin:
Children like to add points, but they cannot accept punishment and deduct points. With this question, I also want to tell you that adding points and subtracting points, or using small red flowers or stars are all the same method. It is indeed helpful for many children to develop some behavioral habits, but as far as I am concerned, I use it less.
Usually in this method, you give him rewards, but giving him extra punishment is particularly easy to arouse the child's resistance, and all children are not willing to accept this. Therefore, you need to be careful when using it.
I usually only use this method on what things. For example, a child really needs to complete a task, but he is currently encountering great difficulties, or he himself feels that the resistance is very strong, and he is quite resistant in his heart. I may use some external rewards to help him.
For example, when we were in first grade, we were reluctant to write. At that time, I said that if I wrote ten words a day, I would get one point, but I would not use punishment, because external punishment would cause parent-child conflict and have to solve a new problem.
Whether it helps children develop good behavior is actually not so sure. If this method is already used at home, it should be noted that who sets the punishment rules? Is it made together with the child? Was there communication, negotiation or compromise during the formulation process? And then make a contract? This must be done, and it does not mean that the parents give a unilateral punishment.
In addition, we need to consider whether this punishment was formulated in advance or was it thought up on the spot? For example, if you make a mistake, and then we say that you have made a mistake, and now this behavior needs to be deducted points, but in the rules you set in advance, it does not say that this mistake needs to be deducted points, then the child may not be willing to accept it.
When you are discussing, if the child says that I will not accept any punishment, then you have to look at the things you do, such as buying a pencil box, which may indeed have nothing to do with the mistakes he is currently making. In other words, where is the punishment used and how is it used? We also try to make it so that if he does something, he will have to bear the consequences that will occur naturally, instead of us giving him an additional punishment.
If you discuss it with your child, I guess he might think that if I want to buy a pencil case, I am naturally willing to earn points by doing some good things and good habits in exchange. But I made a mistake. For example, if I did not finish my homework today, I will deduct a star. However, there is no necessary logical connection between this matter and buying a pencil case, so the child is not willing to accept it. Instead of guiding your children to accept this rule, it is better to re-discuss your rules.
Question 2:
Children do not accept deductions, and sometimes they cry in frustration when the extra points are not added. My problem is that there is a system in the school where the whole class will deduct points if a student does not do well. For example, if someone speaks Chinese more than 6 times in English class, the whole class will deduct points. The child will cover her ears and refuse to listen to the class. She is very anxious and nervous and needs the middle school teacher to accompany her to comfort her. She is so anxious that she cannot control herself.
Rain Forest Forest:
Generally speaking, when we use such a system of adding points and subtracting points, especially when using it at home, we must complete the previous process. So why do children in school get very anxious and nervous because their classmates do not do well and the whole class deducts points? This may be a little different.
First of all, I personally think that this kind of continuous sitting education method needs to be discussed. The rule itself is a bit inhumane. We originally hoped to help children improve their ability to control themselves by giving extra points. If they control their own behavior, they will be praised, and if they do not control themselves well, they will be punished.
However, what is the anxiety that the current sitting system brings to children? It is and he is in an out-of-control evaluation system , because he has no way to control whether others perform well or not. Therefore, he has no way to improve his performance and then get extra points. Instead, he will have his points deducted because of others' poor performance. He feels that this is out of his control and beyond his ability. This kind of situation will arouse strong anxiety.
The same goes for us adults. Once you feel that things are out of control and you are unable to solve a problem, it will give you more intense anxiety. If you know there is a difficulty, but know how to solve it, and know that you can succeed with your own efforts, then it's actually okay. No matter what you do, you have no way to control the consequences. The consequences have nothing to do with you, and you will be in pain.
Understand this, , then the child's anxious feeling needs to be seen, and then needs to be released. There is no specific way to do this, but her feeling of anxiety can help her express it and make her feel that this is normal. What exactly is she worried about? If you help her talk about it more, maybe it will be relieved.
In addition, this method of sitting together will also increase the child's sense of pressure on herself, because whether she performs well or not will also affect the performance of the whole class and others. Therefore, the child may also have a feeling that it is unfair, that is, I worked so hard to perform well, and you did not perform well, so my performance was all in vain.
He may have a lot of understanding about this matter. Let's help him dig it out and talk about it more, and his understanding will be much better. Maybe the child himself has a relatively strong personality, so the family atmosphere can relax his requirements in all aspects and help him reduce stress, including our usual daily discussions. It doesn't matter if we talk more, take his time, and don't place too high demands on him. Because every child is born with different temperaments, some children are born with high demands on themselves, so we should not overload them, but do more work to relax and reduce them.
Question 3:
My son is 12 years old and in the fifth grade of elementary school. He has a habit of biting his nails. From the first grade of elementary school to the present, it has greatly affected his concentration in study. What is the reason behind the reflection? How can I get rid of this habit?
Rain Forest Forest:
In psychological counseling, there are a large number of similar behaviors: biting nails, picking hands, drilling nostrils, pulling out hair, etc. What is the reason behind these behaviors? In clinical psychology , they will be roughly classified into a category of anxiety , but why is each child anxious? Is it due to natural temperament? Or some kind of major trauma happened? Or was it the upbringing of his parents that caused him anxiety? This requires a detailed analysis, and it is not easy to give a unified answer.
How to alleviate this kind of phenomenon?
Many times, because it is not easy to make very quick adjustments, the way is to give it time. Some children gradually get better on their own as they grow up.
What we mainly do is not to force him to quit , or why you can't control it.Because such interventions will make children more anxious. Don't increase his pressure . In fact, when the child is younger, it can be solved by diverting his attention. If he chews on his hands, provide him with more activities that use his hands. Seeing his behavior, we naturally took him to draw, read together, do crafts, etc.
As far as the overall parenting environment is concerned, these children are usually relatively nervous and anxious. Therefore, our environment should be more relaxed. Whether it is the studies arranged for him, extracurricular classes, or expectations for him, the atmosphere of the entire family must be moderately relaxed.
Children are really different from each other. Some children are very resistant to stress, while others are not so good at it. We need to use different methods to raise different children. If the child has already shown some anxious behaviors, we need to look at how to reduce the anxiety level in his environment.
Raising a baby is not easy. I hope we can all become better versions of ourselves. "Anxiety-free Parents Club" uses scientific analysis and rational judgment to create a better emotional connection between parents and children, and to find a better bridge to each other. Welcome to join us~
What is the "Anxious-Free Parents Club"?
No Anxiety Parents Club is a learning community for parents established by Tongxing Academy. I hope to create a quiet corner in the noisy world. Here there is the psychological content of joint learning, a warm and co-constructive thinking atmosphere, and useful communication on daily parenting. I hope that parents can gain more knowledge about growth and methods of self-analysis, and that children can gain more understanding and support and gain more long-term learning methods.
How to study "Anxiety-Free Parents Club"?
No Anxiety Parents Club adopts the method of "reading books + studying and discussing together", and starts studying together around a book on psychology and education every two weeks. The course content includes book reading audio, original text selection reading audio, discussion summary audio, understanding problems, applying what you have learned, learning and thinking content analysis discussion, and thinking assignments. More important learning comes from discussions and reflections among club teammates. This is a loving and inclusive environment where confusions that usually cannot be resolved can be heard, understood, affirmed and solved. #familyeducation#
