[Source: Chengdu Women's Federation_Work News]
In 2022, the Chengdu Women's Federation fully implemented the "Family Mental Health Care Year" action, and opened a family mental health network service column on the "Chengcheng Women" website and the "Chengcheng Sisters" WeChat public account, setting up four sub-columns: psychological stories, psychological classes, psychological lectures, and psychological exchanges. By publishing psychological knowledge, case analysis, expert Q&A and other content, we provide mental health help and services to families.
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A seven-year-old child has always liked to lie recently: he asked her to wash his hands before meals, but the parents obviously saw that he had not washed, but the child said he had washed it; when it was time to do homework, he often said that he wanted to sleep, or had a headache, so that she could not sleep. If he did something wrong, he always found many reasons and was unwilling to face it directly. Parents have told their children a lot of reasons, but it still doesn't work.
Problem Analysis
Behind the lying of children, the reasons are roughly divided into the following types:
First type: You may lie because you find it fun and interesting.
The second type: in order to escape punishment. Especially if you have been punished for making mistakes and have bad feelings, you will choose to lie to hide your mistakes and avoid punishment. In the case at the beginning of this article, when a child was doing his homework, he said that he was sleepy. It may be because of the homework that he was criticized by his parents, which brought him a bad feeling, which led to his instinctively wanting to escape, so he said that he was sleepy.
The third type: to show yourself and gain a sense of identity. For example, some children exaggerate their achievements, show their abilities to others, and gain appreciation from others. In addition to exaggerating one's own strengths, it is also possible to win the care and sympathy of others.
Suggestions for parents
First of all, don’t exaggerate and give your children a negative label like “You are starting to lie now, are you going to grow up?”
Secondly, parents should be good at identifying the positive starting point behind their children's lies, rather than just talking about reasoning or criticizing them without asking for any reason. You can refer to the following methods:
1. Solemn appearance.
accompanied by a little deep breathing, without showing anger or showing weakness, just solemn your expression and remain calm, and only 3-5 seconds. This process avoids the harm caused to the child by using yelling and beating, and allows the child to feel the parents' power without anger.
2. Smile and stare.
smile and stare at the child for 3-5 seconds. Many parents report that when their children make mistakes, they do not beat or scold them, but they feel that their children will still cover up by lying. Why? Because we often cannot perceive the feelings that we may bring to children due to anger, changes in tone, expression and eyes. Therefore, a smile can relieve the child's inner fear and is a signal that parents send to their children "I am willing to accept you".
3. Tell the positive starting point behind the child’s lying.
"You just finished your Chinese homework and wanted to take a break, but my mother reminded you to finish your math homework before resting, so you felt very annoyed, and you said you were sleepy, right?" When you tell the positive motivation behind your child's lying like this, the child has a feeling of being accepted and understood.
4. Express your feelings.
"Actually, you can tell your mother directly that you want to take a break before doing your homework. But you are not sleepy, but you say that you are sleepy. This is not an honest behavior. Mom feels uncomfortable. In fact, Mom just hopes that you can complete your own things according to the plan." When you express your feelings, instead of blaming your children, the child will learn to think from the perspective of others and learn to agree with others' feelings.
When a child makes a mistake, the above four steps can not only allow parents to lose their authority, but also allow children to reflect on their own problems. Let him feel that even if he makes a mistake, he can truly feel the acceptance and love of his parents. Only then can he be brave enough to be a real and honest person, not hide or deceive, and he will have enough psychological energy to face setbacks and difficulties in life.
Material source: Chengdu Women's Federation Home and Children's Department
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