Many people have this situation: whether they feel failure in interpersonal communication or work, they fall into a negative emotion of depression and self-blame. Over time, a vicious cycle of evasion and solving problems will occur, and then new problems will appear. How to get out of this state of
? Let’s talk about ways to get out and escape.
Directory
Part1 "Always feel bad" - frustrated and inferior
- frustrated and inferior
- confident frustrated
- escape after frustration
Part2 Unlocking the constraints of frustration
- Break the inherent thinking of the public
- Escape from the limitations of thinking
Part3 What will happen if you don’t do that well?
- Avoid entering the vicious cycle of frustration
- Seek professional help
This answer also has a video version. The link of B station is https://www.bilibili.com/video/BV1Vq4y1W7hW
Part1 "Always feel that you are not doing well" - frustration and inferiority
The general frustration is mostly a frustration of confidence, a disappointment after you make yourself dissatisfied. You may also be angry and blame yourself. Then frustration is often related to self-requirement and expectations. When we do not meet our expectations, we feel that this is "not supposed to be". This often starts from here.
Then this concept is very similar to the concept of Adler in " Inferiority and Beyond " . It is When we firmly believe that the problems we can solve but cannot be solved, there will be particularly great pressure at this time.
Adler said that in order to fight against this feeling of confidence and frustration, we usually seek a sense of superiority to fight against pressure . We should have seen such people around us, or we may have such troubles.
But in fact, everyone knows that whether it is your observation or your own feelings, it is definitely to treat the symptoms but not the root cause , right? On the contrary, it is more likely to cause you to shelve, isolate and escape to the problem.
Then you may be able to open the circle smaller and smaller, limiting the scope of your activities to become smaller and smaller. In life, there are many various difficulties to challenge you. Then If you frame yourself in such a small range, you will not be able to move forward.
For example, some people are afraid of going out and crowds. This situation is called square phobia in psychology. Adler said that people with square phobia will feel that the outside world is very dangerous, frustrated, and then hurt, so they must leave.
That is, in extreme cases, many people with square phobia choose not to go out. They live at home for a long time because they can only feel safe if they stay in their room. You may even create the kind of superiority to get rid of inferiority at home, and then in this way, your confidence will not be frustrated.
So I don’t have to change myself, and then I don’t have to change the environment, and I don’t have to try what I really want to do. Anyway, as long as I don’t go out, everything is fine. But you can imagine that if we were all alone in the end and then lonely, and then lived at home forever, wouldn’t we have no life?
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So I know it is difficult to face things I think I can do well but I can't do well.Then why don’t we do it? Then don't try it? I don’t want to accept that I will not do well and then change the way I may have dealt with problems all the time.
Because of escape, it will definitely make you feel temporary comfort, right? When changing these things, has to go through a process that is actually not very comfortable and will feel a little uncomfortable. So many people are discouraged.
But in fact, our changes does not mean that I want to be a person who has a successful career or has achieved good grades in my studies, I want to be the first in the grade, or I want to get it in the project and then get it, which person the boss appreciates the most.
does not mean that these goals are expected too high and then you will let you give up these goals, but that We seem to always use an absolute goal to demand ourselves in different stages and situations. It is equivalent to not having a flexible look at your current situation, your current state and the differences from the actual situation. This match is equivalent to not being done well.
So when we want to change, don't be afraid. is not about letting you give up the person you want to be, but we have a more effective way in the process.
Part2 Unlock the constraints of frustration
The reason why it cannot be solved is because this disgusting cycle of frustration is formed. You have been wandering around here, and I might recommend a book about this kind of problem, "Reversal" mentioned just now.
Its author is Malcolm . He is a very creative writer and often has a very special perspective to break the inherent cognition of the public. In my previous book list sharing last year, I shared with you another book called "In the Blink of an Eye" .
The book is about how we subconsciously make a small judgment. You may make a judgment very quickly, but in fact, may take a long time to think about something, calculate various things, and arrange various arrangements for the final decisions.
This is our The powerful power of the subconscious , which is different from our common sense "Don't make decisions impulsively, don't make decisions hasty". But Malcolm is such an author, he likes to break some of our inherent thinking in . Take us to look at the world where we may have blind spots from a new perspective.
This book is "Reversal" is also such a book. It talks about how to turn defeat into victory and use weakness to force strength. At the beginning, the author told a story about "Bible" : The shepherd David wants to duel with the giant Goliath in the valley, and no one thinks David can win.
There have been many people duels with Goliath before, and those who are more powerful and have better weapons than David have lost. So everyone has no hope for David's duel, and feels that he will definitely not win, just let him protect himself and not be beaten to death.
But what? David was not affected by this desperate atmosphere. He took two branches and rubber bands to make a slingshot, and used a stone he picked up to hit the giant from a distance and knocked him down.
He did not use close-fitting fighting that he was not good at, but everyone was used to defaulting on this method: two people duels are close-fitting fighting. The giant's huge body and such heavy armor were obviously hopeless in close combat, but it does not mean that you cannot defeat it in other ways.
So, David found his own advantage, then broke through the misunderstanding of this common habit, and then won. So this frustration is not only about the avoidance of actions, but the most dangerous thing about it is that restricts our thinking.
Image source: PEXELS
For example, when we face strong opponents and difficult situations. Maybe many people are like those who just ate melons, and they just assume that they can’t win or do well. "You can beat someone who is so powerful if you don't do this and that's not good." "I can't compare with him at all"
But who said you must use fixed rules to complete something? Look at David, he is young, has little strength, and has no good equipment, so don’t try it at all, just give up? Life ends here.
But it is not. David has his own advantages that he has not been seen by the world, and has no advantages that he has seen by common evaluations like us. This advantage is often what we can give ourselves, and we only discover it ourselves.
Because in our current life, if we follow this established thinking of when solving problems, it is actually easy to become the kind of people who must look at good grades, high education, and when looking for a partner, you must be rich, good-looking, and comprehensive in all aspects to solve problems and live a better life.
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But, The world sometimes works like this, and sometimes it may not be . There must be people in this world who are naturally strong and well-equipped like giants. But there is no such thing as the giants in the world who succeed, then make changes, and then contribute to the world, right?
So we don’t think about it at all? Then I gave up on myself, definitely not. We can't always focus on these things that frustrate ourselves, those are facts.
We will not deceive ourselves and say that it doesn’t matter if we are young, it doesn’t matter if we don’t have enough experience. these may be related, but they do not mean that they can determine the development of your career and the direction of your life.
Because in the worldly voice, it is easy for us to ignore what our advantages are. You don’t give yourself time to see it, and of course you don’t know what your strengths are.
So what about these? The author calls them "invisible advantages" . These advantages are definitely not something that the public advocates and emphasizes, you can tell at a glance, and you are often praised by others. But solving the problem may help us achieve a reversal.
For example, in this Tang Waner's letter of help, I felt that Ta has a very strong ability to summarize my observations and observe . In fact, a summary like this is for example, the basic skills training of psychological workers.
For example, when you have psychological confusion and go to psychological counseling, a large part of your work is to find out what the pattern of the vicious cycle that is repeated in your life is to find out.
This sugar pill has completed this step with his own observation and insight. Psychological awareness, psychological sensitivity and insight is very strong. And not only did we find this key question, we could also actively seek help. So if you can try to explore your advantages and qualities in this area, rather than ignore it.
And I hope that in this content of help, don’t always say that you are not good. Because it will easily make people use the stereotyped impression of to look at you, or you give others a chance to ignore your own advantages .
So everyone looks at the negative part of yourself. You look at its shadow surface and then look at its back. There are many things that have been ignored. But in fact, is definitely of great importance to your development and growth, otherwise you will not be able to survive until now. What if
Part3 is not doing that well?
Finally, let’s take a look at the problem of “not doing well” . Because it is a trigger point that makes this sugar pill fall into this vicious cycle of frustration, not doing that well will cause this frustration, and the feeling of inferiority complex .
In order not to bear it, he is avoiding and protecting himself. has entered a vicious cycle, so the starting point of this vicious cycle is When I feel that I have "I haven't done it well" .
But the "badly done" thing is so dangerous, what are its consequences? Is it so scary that we will sacrifice everything and just avoid it?
It is easy for us to have an illusion that something is terrible. One Once this happens in life, it will be done, it is unimaginable horror. This feeling is actually just an instinctive impulse for us to protect ourselves, but it does not mean it is a fact.
may be related to the experience of terrible things we heard when we were young, or the experience of "Childhood Shadow" , for example, When I was a child, I was particularly afraid of mice because of a movie, and I was particularly afraid of the sharp tail of mice. When I looked at the tail, my whole body was covered with hair. Then, I, a person who was not physically screaming, would make perfect high-pitched screams when I saw the mouse.
and the man in black in Conan, I always think that when I was a child, I often watched Conan that night, and before going to bed, I was really a bit damn about it.
After watching it, they are all the plots and murderous scenes, and they will appear in your mind. Then I imagined that those little black people were all under my bed, and I felt a physical fear.
is now. When I was watching Conan, is obviously so mentally retarded, but I still feel a little scared . When I saw the man in black appear, it was the man in black appearing in the shadow, and then only showed his eyes, and then the background sound was "squeezing" or "clicking". Anyway, the picture was very scary.
But what I just said is because it will not happen frequently in my later life. Of course you can change it, but it doesn’t matter if you don’t. This is the part you are afraid of.
we can have the part that we are afraid of. It doesn't mean that we want to become brave and fearless. However, some of these childhood shadows may still appear again and again until you are now, so we have to think of some ways and cannot let them develop.
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For example, when I was a child, did you have some experiences of being very damaged in your self-esteem, which makes you set the standard for your self-respect so high . Just my guess, but it is possible that you will regard everything after life as an exam. There are scores, good and bad standards, interpersonal relationships, and work tasks. It seems that you are taking the big and small tests every day.
This kind of continuous tension will really swallow a person. Moreover, when we were young, our self-esteem was easily damaged, such as when our parents criticized, teachers criticized, or jokes between classmates.
The feedback method you will write down by yourself, and then when you do things yourself, you will treat yourself as you do not meet your own standards, in the way others treat you .
If the problem in this part is not that serious, when you realize that your self-blame is actually a way to learn how to receive feedback when you were a child, you can separate these two parts. You can clearly distinguish what your own thoughts are and what others are slowly implanting into your mind. When you can separate these two parts, the solution to this problem will be much better.
But if you realize this and you find that your trouble is still very strong, it means that this time may not be something that can be changed entirely by your own help.
My suggestion: You can try to use professional consultation to make another professional, neutral, objective , and be able to truly understand you who have experienced growth , rebuild the process of this model and update it again.
Because you have received bad feedback before, you have learned this part of the feedback now. So how can adjust, update, and grow in this part? That is, you must re-establish the correct and accepted feedback from the outside, so that you can slowly re-circle the previous feedback that you had bad and conditioned reflexes.
Finally, I hope to provide you with a space to really see if you have any "Invisible Advantages" has been ignored by you. Indeed, it may not be praised by this mainstream value, but you know that your advantage has helped you, and you can develop it and then become something you are really good at.
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