Dr. Weixue Heben:
Why are children today’s psychological endurance so poor? What should I do if I have to live or die if I don't agree with you?
What should I do if my children talk about some very parental topics during the communication process?
Especially children with severe learning disorder cry out to die every day, what should we do?
This is actually a very sensitive topic. Not to mention parents, even many novice psychological counselors dare not talk to their children about these things because they cannot bear the pressure.
In fact, many times we are frightened by our own fears. When a child expresses such strong emotions, we cannot ignore the child and discuss the matter seriously. Many times it is not as bad as we imagined.
For example, my assistant was not in a good state for a while, so I asked him what he was thinking.
He suddenly said that he was waiting to die, which was a very scary signal.
Out of professional sensitivity, I immediately dealt with this issue and asked him quickly, "Ah, when do you plan to wait until you die?"
He said, "I don't know, just wait until you are 99 before you die."
Crisis That’s it. Waiting to die is a very negative goal, but waiting to die at the age of 99 is not only not a negative goal, it is even more positive than most people’s goals.
Then I said to him, "If you want to live to be 99 years old, then you have to work hard. It will not be easy."
There is also a child who doesn't want to study. He just wants to play games at home every day. What should I do if I have to live or die?
Sorry, I made a mistake. It’s not just one child, but many children who have this problem. It can even be said that every boy who comes to us for consultation has this problem. The more serious thing about
is that he had a serious conflict because his parents were strict in discipline, and he wanted to die in his language.
Although we know that he does not really want to die, we must not intensify the conflict at this time. When many parents hear that their children want to die or live, instead of calming down, they are even more excited than the children, "If you want to die, just die." "
Often the result of this is that the child does not really have such an idea, but is very likely to implement it under emotional impulse.
So the first step is to stabilize the child's emotions and don't refute the child, "I feel sad when I hear you say that. You said you are going to die. When do you plan to implement it?"
The child said "Next week" Well, I don’t know when. "
"How do you plan to die? Have you ever thought about it? "
If the child tells you a very specific plan at this time, you must be careful, it means that he is really serious. Have you ever had such an idea?
"I don't know, maybe jump off the building. It would be better if there is a painless way."
"Then, is there anything I can do to help you with this matter?"
If this problem continues, the child may Communicated with you.
later made an agreement with him that since he was about to die, it would be better to experience life well and wait until he feels happy before dying. He also agreed that before the next consultation, if he had any thoughts of seeking death, we would tell him if he really wanted to die. Be sure to contact us first.
But generally when he experiences a good life and lives happily, he naturally doesn’t want to die.
For a child, if you were a child and you ever considered suicide, you probably had a "don't live" forbidden message in your scripts: Likewise, if you ever felt like you were worthless, useless, or useless. If you are worthy of love, you have also probably received the message "Don't live."
Maybe you can remember that your parents once said to you: "Be careful, I will kill you!" or "I wish I had never given birth to you!" Such spoken information helps to confirm this forbidden message. exists, but the real impact is the message conveyed through non-verbal behavior in childhood.
Why do parents pass the message "Don't live" to their children? It's usually because parents, in their child selves, feel deprived or threatened by the birth of their children. Maybe a young man gets married and becomes a father. When he sees his wife spending most of his energy and attention on the newborn, he may unconsciously jump back to his childhood experience. At that time, he was only two years old and had a new baby in the family. As a two-year-old child, most of the attention and care originally given to him have been transferred to his younger brother. As a two-year-old child, he will be very worried that he will no longer get enough attention. How can he win over his mother's love? What about coming back? The only hope is to see if the baby can be driven away, preferably if the baby dies. Although he is now an adult, he may still be communicating the same murderous impulses to his baby in non-verbal ways.
Another situation is that a mother who already has several children does not want to have another child, but due to family pressure or unexpected pregnancy, she gives birth to another child. She will shout in her child self: "No! Don't have any more children." My life needs to change, and I also have my own needs to meet." She will suppress the child's self-anger and deny it to herself, but she will convey her rejection to the child in a very subtle way. This means that even though she tries her best to meet the child's material needs, she may never smile at the child or rarely talk to the child.
If parents are physically or mentally abusive to their children, the message "don't live" is clearly conveyed.
When analyzing the script, you will find that many people have the forbidden message "Don't live". At first glance, it seems strange. How come parents give such fatal messages to their children so often? The reason is that children are too fragile. It is easy to interpret various parental behaviors or external events as fatal threats, but most of these behaviors or events are insignificant in the eyes of adults. There is also the fact that children often cannot tell the difference between their own behaviors and desires. For example, a child wants his younger siblings to die because he is jealous of his younger siblings taking away their parents' attention. He may therefore think: "I am a murderer. I am a murderer." You should die." This gives you the message "Don't live."
The same situation may occur when the mother subtly conveys to the child the message "I was in pain during childbirth" (Bourn calls it "the mother-tearing script"), and the child therefore decides: "During childbirth" , I caused my mother to be injured, and maybe almost killed her. I am a very dangerous person. As long as I am present, I may cause others to be injured or die, so I deserve to be injured or die."
Parents may also say this. Words like: "If it weren't for you, I could go to college" (or I could travel abroad, I wouldn't need to marry a rotten person like your dad, etc.), these words will also convey the message "Don't live." .
Since "Don't live" is such a common forbidden message, why don't we see most people commit suicide? Fortunately, people are very creative about how to survive. Children who receive the "Don't live" message at an early age , compound decisions are often made to avoid fatal consequences.The form of a compound decision is: "I can continue to live as long as I...", which can be followed by various actions, such as "As long as I keep working hard" or "As long as I don't get close to other people."
Regarding children who are tired of learning, here are tips from this doctor:
What should I do if my child is tired of learning? Learn to manage your mind and you will transform.
The reason why children are tired of studying is that they don’t care about their grades.
Children are tired of studying and have difficulty in learning and managing their emotions.
Children are tired of learning and rebellious, and they are tired of dropping out of school.
Take care of your children if they are tired of studying, and don’t let them become depressed if they are tired of studying.
