Approaching the Psychotherapist Issue 5
—The full text is 1535 words in total. Reading time is 5 minutes—
Should we continue with a marriage that is riddled with holes?
Author/Ma Lin
Editor/Zhao Chen
(the patient’s name is a pseudonym in the article)
一
A changed life
When I first met Ms. Li, she looked haggard and depressed. After a brief silence, Ms. Li spoke about her troubles. She has been married to her husband for nearly ten years, and their son is seven years old this year. There have been occasional bumps in the marriage, but it has never been to the point of divorce. Her husband is a gentleman, has a successful career, and treats himself and his children with all his heart. About six months ago, Ms. Li accidentally saw her husband's chat records with other women and discovered the fact that he was cheating on her. She couldn't believe that her husband would do such a thing. Since then, Ms. Li began to become taciturn, unable to concentrate on work, and often made mistakes at work, so she had to take a temporary leave. Ms. Li, who had been depressed all day, finally came to our hospital for treatment at the persuasion of her sister. After a detailed consultation, the doctor suggested that Ms. Li should receive psychological treatment in addition to medication.
’s first conversation, after a short period of emotional counseling, in order to better help the client, the therapist guided the client to describe her marriage experience and inner feelings in detail. Ms. Li originally looked sweet, had an introverted and gentle personality, and got married to her husband after three years of dating. Married life is sweet, her husband is attentive and considerate, and friends and colleagues around her are envious. But all this beauty changed after the birth of my son...
二
How to choose the future
After giving birth, my mother-in-law came to help at home. Many living habits and parenting concepts were inconsistent, which also led to conflicts within the family. Conflicts and quarrels. Facing the powerful mother-in-law, the husband seems to be accustomed to obeying. He will never defend his wife, but will only comfort her: Mom is more experienced than us. She can raise me so well, so she can naturally take good care of her son, so don't worry; When your mother is old, you let her go; my mother is like this, just get used to it...
Ms. Li was disappointed with her husband for the first time and lost confidence in her marriage, but she already has children and her life Just continue. In this way, Ms. Li shifted all her attention to her son. Ms. Li, who was originally introverted, communicated less and less with her husband, and the distance became farther and farther. Until she discovered that her husband had cheated on her, her peaceful life was completely shattered. Ms. Li filed for divorce, but her husband insisted on divorce. He confessed to the fact of the cheating, sincerely apologized to his wife, and expressed his determination that similar incidents would not happen again. Ms. Li was in a dilemma: Should such a marriage continue? But her son is still so young, how should she choose?
三
Reestablish the communication model
Through the assessment, the therapist found that the core problem of the estrangement between Ms. Li and her husband was the lack of communication. Many rifts in marriages in life are often caused by communication problems. People are usually accustomed to using "I think" to understand each other's thoughts, but rarely verify the content of "I think" through direct expression and communication. Instead, they further guess the accuracy of "I think" through the other person's body and facial reactions. This is where biases and misunderstandings arise.
In order to help Ms. Li improve communication with her husband, the therapist suggested that Ms. Li invite her husband to the clinic together to carry out family therapy for him. In the
treatment room, Ms. Li finally fully expressed her grievances and inner feelings for several years. The husband deeply felt the forbearance and difficulty of his wife, expressed his apology to his wife, and admitted that he had never tried to consider the problem from his wife's perspective. I simply believe that all conflicts between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law will be resolved easily. As a husband, the most important softener between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law has no regulating effect and does nothing.
Through several family conversations and under the guidance of a therapist, the communication model between Ms. Li and her husband has undergone new changes.
四
Repair the rift in marriage
The family, which originally thought it was about to regain peace, was exposed to a bigger problem after being asked by the therapist - a sexless marriage!
After giving birth to her child, Ms. Li suffered from low self-esteem due to being out of shape. She did not have the courage to present herself like this in front of her husband, and she did not want to see his disgusting eyes. The husband believes that Ms. Li is conservative and lacks enthusiasm in marital life. Half a year after his son was born, he made several requests and was rejected, so he stopped asking his wife for requests. As his wife focused all her experiences on her son, although she was dissatisfied, she could only understand and accept her. Psychological acceptance cannot replace physical lack, which is why the subsequent derailment occurred.
In Chinese families, sex is a difficult topic to discuss, but there are many families that are troubled by disharmony in the lives of couples. In fact, for adults, it is a basic physiological need like eating and sleeping. There is an old saying among the people: couples "fight at the head of the bed and make peace at the end of the bed", which also implies its importance.
found the reason for the rift in the marriage, and both Ms. Li and her husband were willing to try to repair it.
There are many causes of marriage problems, some are adjustable and some are irreparable. Ms. Li's troubles are both unique and universal. While I wish them well, I also hope that their stories can bring some thoughts and inspiration to people who are also troubled by marriage.
—END—
Ma Lin
Psychotherapist at Beijing Huilongguan Hospital
Institute of Psychology, Chinese Academy of Sciences
Master of Applied Psychology
Specializes in individual psychotherapy for anxiety, depression and other common mental illnesses, family therapy for marriage, emotion, parent-child relationship, and spiritual care Group therapy for mental illness.
clinic time: Tuesday all day
