01
received a letter from a reader. The content of the letter is as follows:
Fat Fish, after reading many of your articles, I know that you are engaged in psychology and are very transparent. I've been feeling particularly distressed recently and want to talk to you.
My husband and I are alumni, we met on the university campus, and our relationship started at that time.
My family is from Tianjin. After graduation, at the request of my parents, I returned to Tianjin to develop. And my husband, who was my boyfriend at the time, chose to go to Beijing to develop in order to be closer to me.
Actually, my parents are not willing to let me marry him. They don’t want me to marry far away. Later, my parents relented after my husband promised to settle down in Tianjin after getting married.
When we got married, my parents gave me a wedding room. At that time, my husband didn’t have much money and couldn’t afford a house for the time being, so he chose to stay in Beijing and continue to work hard.
After having a child, my husband got a promotion and his salary was higher. He said he would continue working for a few more years. Since Tianjin is close to Beijing, he would come back to see us on weekends.
My job is not easy either, so my parents helped to raise my daughter until she was 3 years old.
02
After my daughter turned 4, my mother was not in good health and had a major surgery. My husband's career also encountered a bottleneck. At my suggestion, he returned to Tianjin to develop, and with the money he earned in those years, we paid a down payment for a house in a school district.
In Tianjin, my husband found a suitable job again, we lived in a new house, and everything is getting better and better. My daughter has become more and more lively because she has more company with her husband.
Unexpectedly, at this time, my father-in-law who was far away in Jiangxi died unexpectedly in a car accident. I accompanied my husband back to my hometown and helped take care of my father-in-law’s death.
My parents-in-law had a very good relationship, but now they suddenly lost the backbone of my father-in-law, and my mother-in-law was devastated.
Before leaving, my husband couldn’t worry about his mother-in-law. His father-in-law's sudden death made him feel very sorry. My husband asked me if I could take my mother-in-law to Tianjin and live with us.
Looking at him in pain, I agreed. To be honest, I am also my parents’ daughter, so I can understand my husband’s mood.
Unexpectedly, after my mother-in-law moved into my house, conflicts arose.
My mother-in-law and I have different living habits. The dishes she cooks are too salty for me, and my daughter doesn’t like them either. But this thing cannot be changed.
I told my husband several times to remind my mother-in-law to use less salt in cooking. My husband didn’t want to tell his mother-in-law. He said that my mother-in-law's living habits are like this. If he told her, she would think that we dislike her.
I have never discovered that my husband has such a delicate side. No, the delicate side is also because he is the mother-in-law. For me, he would never consider it so comprehensively.
My husband didn’t say anything, but I really couldn’t stand it. I mentioned it once during dinner and suggested that my mother-in-law should use less salt in cooking in the future. My daughter is growing, so it’s good for her. I said it very gently and sincerely.
Unexpectedly, my mother-in-law burst into tears after hearing this, saying it was all her fault. My husband doesn’t want to see his mother crying, so I asked me to say less. But I didn’t say anything. This matter is just settled.
Later, my daughter and I had no choice but to rinse the vegetables with water before eating them.
03
My parents have taught me to keep my home clean and tidy since I was a child, but after my mother-in-law came, I found that she had changed the layout of the sofa in the living room.
I don’t like it very much. I complained to my husband. He disliked me for being nosy and said that I would just go with it. But I am the mistress of this family, okay?
I didn’t like to do housework before, so I would hire a part-time worker to help with housework on weekends. When my mother-in-law came, I endured it for a long time and finally called a part-time worker.
Unexpectedly, after the hourly worker left, my mother-in-law would say that I disliked her for not mopping the floor cleanly.
I said, that’s not true. We used to hire part-time workers just to give her a break. Unexpectedly, my mother-in-law did not appreciate it.
My grievances have nowhere to express.
To be honest, living with my mother-in-law, I found that my husband was divided a lot. The warmth we had as a couple that we had finally built up was gone.
My daughter is not very adaptable to her mother-in-law. My parents used to help take her to and from school. Usually my daughter wants to buy some snacks, and my parents try their best to satisfy her.
But when I got to my mother-in-law, my daughter wanted to eat some snacks, but she said, grandma has no money. Even though she has her own retirement salary, even if I give her a thousand yuan every week, she still doesn't want to.
After so many times, my daughter stopped letting her mother-in-law pick her up. She always said to me, Mom, you’d better ask grandma to pick me up.
I was also very helpless and asked my daughter to tell her husband. My husband said that she was just being pretentious. Aren’t they both the same when it comes to grandma and grandma? My daughter was so angry that she cried loudly and said that he was a stinky father.
04
I told my husband that this is not okay. Since my mother-in-law came over, we have had more conflicts.
Otherwise, let my mother-in-law live in our previous house. That house is diagonally opposite our new house. It takes less than 15 minutes to walk there and is very close.
My husband was unwilling, saying that he was worried that her mother-in-law would not be able to take care of herself when she went there.
As if to cooperate with her son, her mother-in-law either complains that it hurts here today or feels uncomfortable there tomorrow, so she asks her husband to walk around her every day.
In addition, my mother-in-law forgot to turn off the heat twice while cooking. This makes my husband even more worried and leaves her mother-in-law to live alone.
During this process, I became more and more resentful. I told my husband about my grievances, but he said that now he is like a sandwich biscuit, torn between me and his mother. What can he do?
I think it is all caused by his own inaction. His mother-in-law is his weakness. Since her mother-in-law came, my husband only sees her and cares about her, and no longer has my daughter and me.
At all times, my husband is primarily concerned with his mother-in-law. Obviously I am his wife. If I put it more seriously, my husband would say that he is very sorry that his father is gone and all he can do is take care of his mother.
To be honest, my husband and I have always had a good relationship. If we are noisy, it hurts both of us, and we cannot divorce.
I even want my daughter and I to move out and live in the original house, but my husband doesn’t agree either. He said that his mother-in-law would also feel hurt.
It seems that we are stuck in an infinite loop. Is there really no way to do it?
05
Thank you for your trust.
Today, let’s talk about the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. Why is it not easy to get along well with the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law?
Because the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law love the same man most, one loves her son and the other loves her husband. This creates a competitive relationship and will inevitably give rise to many conflicts.
is like the mother-in-law in the article, who lost her husband in old age. If she did not have a spiritual sustenance, she would place all her hopes on her son. But he forgot that his son was already married. He had his own wife and children who needed to be taken care of.
Because of the sudden loss of her husband, this mother-in-law feels insecure, which we can understand. So after living with her son-in-law, she wanted to find a sense of presence to prove her worth.
Therefore, the daughter-in-law cannot say that the food she cooks is salty, nor can she find a part-time worker. She feels that this is a sign of disdain for her. The mother-in-law is very afraid of being disliked, so she projects it externally. When she sees the slightest trouble with her daughter-in-law, she feels that she is disliked.
Including her being sick and forgetting to turn off the fire, in my opinion, they are all fears. She is afraid that she will die alone. Therefore, she is like a child, begging for attention all day long, and even doing some troubles.
It’s just that the son loves his mother and can tolerate her, but the daughter-in-law cannot stand such a mother-in-law.
06
Actually, if you encounter such a problem, you need this husband to solve it.
When his wife says that his mother’s cooking is salty and his daughter doesn’t want her grandma to take her to school, he should take the initiative to mediate the conflict instead of letting his wife and children accommodate his mother.
As long as he wants it, he will definitely have a way, but he himself always has an evasive attitude. His wife will be even more disappointed with him, and his mother will only do more. If he doesn’t want to be a sandwich cookie, who will?
In the final analysis, he asked for it. It was also his escape that made the conflict between the two women more serious.
You must understand that in the family, the husband-wife relationship comes first. The ratio of husband-wife relationship, parent-child relationship, and family of origin should be allocated according to the ratio of 7:2:1.
Husband and wife are the center of the family. As a husband, you must understand this and stand firmly on your wife's side.
Only if he is firm towards his wife, then his mother will be more clear-headed and realize that this is her son's home, not her own, and she will not act like that.
Of course, at the beginning, the mother-in-law may feel that her son is too big to control her, and she may feel hurt, but as long as her son has a firm attitude, she will eventually accept the reality and adapt to it.
The key thing is that this husband should do it, instead of just facing his mother or remaining neutral.
Why does a wife often complain, even to the point of being unable to live?
She feels that her husband is unfair. He only cares about her own mother's feelings but does not take care of her feelings.
Therefore, a smart husband must let his wife know that he takes care of her feelings, instead of just saying "that's my mother" all the time.
As for the wife, the better her husband treats her, the more tolerant she will be to her mother-in-law.
07
Like the husband in the article, he can take the initiative to ask his biological mother to move out.
But before that, there are some things he must say to his biological mother: First, I am your son, and I will not ignore you; second, for me, my wife is the most important at the moment, and I have to take care of my child first. Family; thirdly, I will definitely fulfill my filial piety to you.
Even after his mother-in-law moved out, he could take some time every week to spend time with her. The wife should understand and not interfere with this time spent between mother and son.
As for his wife, this man also has to set aside special time to accompany her every week. The couple takes their children to the park together, or takes time to watch a movie or have a meal together as a couple.
In this way, this man is a balanced bowl of water, his wife is satisfied, and so is his mother.
This is also what he, as a man and a husband, should do. Take good care of your mother's needs, but also take good care of your wife's needs. In this way, the family can be more harmonious!
So, the final result depends on what this man does!
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