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01
As the saying goes, people are good at being bullied and Ma Shan is being ridden by others. This refers to people who are too meek and honest and are easy to be bullied. The sentence
sounds unreasonable on the surface, because it is inconsistent with our conventional understanding of "people should be kind", "being good with others", "advocating others to be kind" and so on. In fact, the two are not contradictory, they are talking about the same thing.
We live in this reality. We really need to be kind, and we really need to be kind to others, but no one tells you that we must be kind to everyone, it's just that you have misunderstood it.
Advocating people to be kind is not asking others to be kind to everyone. What you hear is often a way of omitting the preconditions. You can't say that there is a problem just because you don't understand it thoroughly.
Regardless of whether you are kind to others, or others persuade you to be kind, a reasonable understanding should be "kindness" with a prerequisite, kindness to people who deserve your kindness, and kindness to people who don't deserve your kindness.
Your kindness can be compared to your slack supply. Make sure you have this, and then you can treat different people differently. For someone who deserves your kindness, you can give him more supplies. Those who are not worthy of your kindness, just give them less.
02
When many people talk about marriage, they will also mention the word "kindness", and they often have specific points. For example, daughter-in-law must know how to respect the old, mother-in-law must know how to love the young, men must know how to protect their wives, and wives must know how to be prosperous. , This is the category of kindness.
These things, when all the conditions are met, there is no problem, you can squander your kindness.
However, if certain conditions are not met and there are people who are not worthy of your kindness, you have to learn to discount your kindness, and even take it back when necessary.
When chatting with Liling some time ago, she said that she now has a deep understanding of marriage, focusing on the "kindness" involved in marriage. All of this is the same as before. Gift from a marriage:
"Before and after that marriage, I was a kind person in the conventional sense, because I have been educated to be kind to others, not only to strangers, but to those close to myself People should have good intentions. My mother even said that kindness is a kind of virtue. Being kind to others is both for others and for self.
In line with this principle, after I married my ex-husband, I did my best for all kinds of things. Not only did I take good care of my home and his daily life, but I never forgot to treat my mother-in-law kindly. Even if we were out for work, I would regularly Call your mother-in-law and pay her a monthly living allowance.
ask myself, whether as a wife or as a daughter-in-law, I have done my responsibilities as much as I can. It can be said that I have done my best to my ex-husband and mother-in-law.
At that time, I didn't understand that "kindness" should be "two-way", so that my contribution can be said to be unconditional, only to give, not to ask for return.
If my ex-husband is kind to me, I can never ask for anything in my life. However, he treated me badly, and I couldn’t help but start to care about gains and losses. I don’t know if this is considered a human instinct. Anyway, he treated me badly, ignored me, ignored me, lost my temper, and still Having beaten me, I couldn't help but think that it was not worth the effort.
I asked him why I had paid so much and I was beaten and scolded. He replied with a chilling sentence: "Because you are my wife!" This sentence of
is an understatement for him, but for me It's like a needle stick. Just because I am his wife, should I not be treated well? Just deserve to be beaten and scolded? Am I married for this purpose? I have paid so much, is it just to wrong myself?
I reminded him that he is not allowed to treat me like this anymore. He doesn't take it seriously. So, it really wasn't that I was going to get divorced suddenly. It really happened for a reason, and it was the reason why I couldn't accept it or continue to bear it.
The divorce may not be a hindrance to him, but it is a big hindrance to the mother-in-law, because no one calls her regularly like me, and no one pays her a monthly living allowance.
, who has developed a habit of dependence on me, is the first to divorce my ex-husbandWhen I was a month old, because I didn’t know it, I called me and asked, "Daughter-in-law, why haven’t I paid this month’s living expenses?"
I am still a kind person in my bones. Although I have taken back my kindness to my ex-husband, my mother-in-law hasn’t To provoke me, when she asked me for money, she felt distressed when she thought that I would never take care of her anymore. However, I can’t continue to wrong myself just because I love my mother-in-law, so I told her the truth, "Stop fighting, I divorced your son. From now on, if you are short of money, ask your son directly Come on!" The mother-in-law of
asked about the reason for the divorce, but I didn't tell her, so I hung up the phone with an excuse. At that moment, I made a decision: For the rest of my life, I will be a "not easy to mess with" woman who can continue to be kind, but I will not be blindly kind as before. I will only treat people who are worthy of me and meet Those who don't deserve my kindness, leave as soon as possible! The experience summarized by Liling
03
is not a profound truth. But why is it so simple that many people, like her, didn't realize it before experiencing a divorce? The reason for
is very simple, because many people are greedy for ease and stability, and the way they travel is a relatively passive state. The concepts they uphold are all instilled concepts and lack their own understanding.
Just like Liling said, she was very kind at first because of the education she received. Her parents asked her to be kind to everyone, so she did. This is not her own concept, but is Indoctrinated concepts.
If her married life can be as smooth as before marriage, she may spend her entire life adhering to the concepts instilled in her by her parents. But this is unrealistic. No one's life will be like Pingchuan. Sooner or later, there will be twists and turns. The twists and turns in life will often shake our existing concepts.
Some people may think that, after all, they still need to experience something personally before they can think of change. Actually not, because before you, someone has already wade through the muddy water, and their experience is worthy of your reference. For example, the marriage experience of Liling mentioned above is worthy of your reference.
Liling only understood the deep meaning of kindness after the divorce. You don’t need to repeat the path she walked. You can directly understand kindness: for a wife, "kindness" is not your label, "not good" "Provoke" is. You can directly apply this conclusion to your marriage. This is not to let you lose your kindness or to be a shrew, but to be targeted and make sure that you carry the kindness with you and show others in a nasty way. The in-laws dare not provoke you, they don’t provoke you, you Of course you can treat them well.
In addition, in addition to referring to the experience and experience of the people who came over, there is a good way: read more books and read more. I don’t know if there are Golden House and Yan Ruyu in the book. What I know is that there are many stories in the book, many people’s personal experiences, many people’s life perceptions, many things you haven’t experienced, and many things you haven’t experienced. All of the mistakes you have made can be used as references, which can save you a lot of detours.
