Recently, there have been girls in the group asking, "How can I redeem my boyfriend's love with others?" I wonder, it's cold, has the scum man's heart warming the world? After
talked about it and went back to the topic, when they asked, two words popped up in my mind: self-respect
so-called derailment injury, in fact, the key is not what he did to you, but you humble back again and again And actively breaking through the bottom line, obliterated the cherish and affirmation of oneself.
You know that "this person is cheating on you", why do you sacrifice yourself to "coax him" not to abandon you?
To some extent, you love too blindly and cowardly. You think that as long as you prove that you can sacrifice a lot for him, he will be able to look at you more, but in reality? A man who has derailed, he does not have the concept of "responsibility". Your favor is only to encourage his unhealthy trends.
is like a person who stole 100 yuan from you, and you have to give another 100 yuan and beg him not to steal again. What do you think he would do?
Don't use your dedication and feelings to test human nature!
So the girls who come to me to save my cheating boyfriend, I will let them understand these principles:
1, timely stop loss is better than increasing sunk costs to protect yourself
2, surrendering oneself equals surrendering the right to harm, sense of value and safety Feeling can only give to yourself
3, the essence of love is value exchange, which means that you can't just ask for it, let alone be a Virgin
4, a man who derails is not accidental. His deep-rooted way of thinking is selfishness and avoidance
. After a few points, in the face of cheating scumbags, most of them I don’t suggest to recover, unless it is the following two situations:
. He has the value that you clearly want and is irreplaceable by others (material, original family complementary, years Marriage needs to maintain stability, etc.)
·You have a long-term relationship basis, and you are very clear, his performance is very good, you have done too much to make him give up the relationship
visitor A belongs to the former type:
There are too many screenshots of the chat, so I won’t put them all. I added a simple picture to show them:
. During the consultation process, I found that the two things that Xiao A can’t think of most are: why is her boyfriend? While being indifferent to her and angry at her for not answering news? And why did he abandon her so quickly to find someone new?
▶ Let me talk about the first point first: Why is my boyfriend indifferent to her and angry at her for not replying?
When an emotional problem arises, if we only criticize which party is wrong, we will undoubtedly fall into a misunderstanding of black and white thinking. To solve the problem, we must explore the possible causes behind it.
When Xiao A finished talking about her boyfriend while being indifferent to her, while being angry at her for not responding, I had a guess: Xiao A’s boyfriend might have fallen into a mood called "anxiety of being abandoned" .
At the same time, Xiao A also said that their relationship has developed very quickly, so it is not difficult to think that at first they did not have enough time to break through each other’s boundaries to develop a sense of intimacy. Until his boyfriend has visited Xiao A’s residence several times, he Maybe I felt that the distance between myself and Little A was a little too close.
In his opinion, the result of letting the emotions go uncontrollable is that Little A will hurt him and abandon him, so in order to prevent this possibility, he chose to take the distance first. I speculate that this anxiety of being abandoned may be due to his native family-such as experiencing separation from his father or mother. Sure enough, my judgment was correct. Little A told me that he was brought up by his mother alone.
It is precisely because of the abandonment of his father that Little A's boyfriend has a natural fear of intimacy. But he couldn't get rid of his feelings for Little A at once, and under the contradiction, he fell into the seemingly hot and cold repetition. Little A thinks this is the performance of her boyfriend not loving her, as everyone knows, her boyfriend is afraid to approach her because of "love".
Here I also want to share a little trick to see people: When interacting with people, once the other person has a contradictory performance, then he must want to avoid or hide something.
▶ Let’s talk about the second point: Why did her boyfriend abandon her so quickly to find a new person? In addition to being anxious about being abandoned,
boyfriend often hasDepressed mood, even Xiao A commented, "I don't know what he is so happy about, obviously he has lived more successfully than most people." Combined with his usual exquisite life style, I can basically judge Out, boyfriend A is the " Tragic Romantic " in the Enneagram. People like
have been abandoned since they were young and often have a sense of lack and low self-esteem. Therefore, they need to use some external performance to support their self-esteem, such as politeness, appearance, taste, etc. They always feel that something is missing in their lives, and these things can always be found in others, and depression is their daily routine.
He is always dissatisfied with the status quo and is always pursuing more illusory things, just like the boyfriend of Little A is already very good but still wants to try more dramatic things. He even said, "The current work is just for To survive, I would like to travel and paint and write poetry if I have a chance."
You must not think that this is just a small pursuit. In fact, this reflects from the side that in his eyes, as long as the feeling is currently experiencing, it cannot be perfect and true. He has been pursuing fantasy "true love" and "perfect lover" all his life, but he never puts what he has already got into his eyes.
is reflected in reality that when she is far away from Xiao A, her boyfriend praises her for being funny and warm every day, but once he gets closer, he starts to pierce his nose and pierce his eyes. The big problem is the same.
It is not difficult to explain why he left Xiao A and quickly found a new love when his feelings were heating up.
used to be the perfect girlfriend in his fantasy, but now, Xinhuan has replaced this role.
So before helping Xiao A to recover, I also explicitly asked her, "He is likely to be habitually cheating because of the pursuit of stimulation and a sense of existence. What are you trying to save him?"
Xiao A is quite honest: "To be honest, I just think With him, I can experience a different kind of pure love. Maybe I have had a smooth life for so many years and I am a bit sadistic. "Z1z
What can I say? Sure enough, feelings can only be judged by themselves.
From the practice of childhood A, I also picked out two strategies that are more suitable for regaining cheating men. I hope to give you some help:
▶ "Wait" formula: let the distance produce beauty, promote him with high "love quotient" First of all, I can tell you clearly, no matter what kind of person he is, as long as he cheats, he will think more or less: "I am loved by so many people, it proves that I am attractive and there is no capital to cheat. Can’t do it." It’s not all out of complacency, and part of the reason is that he is using rationalization to avoid guilt. He needs to tell himself "I am ethically okay, I am fine."
In my heart, they will always be the one who betrays the feelings and is also the one who dominates the feelings. You try to kidnap him and get close to him with morals. Under the conflict of contentment and guilt, he might be ashamed to become angry and belittle you first. The correct way to do
is that as long as he cheats, you leave, the more decisive and decisive you leave, the better. Think about it, a man who has always had the initiative was placed by you before he even played. Whether it’s out of ambition or curiosity, he will definitely think and pay more attention to you. These devotion is to care. The beginning, so don’t worry that he will forget you.
At the same time you cannot do nothing. I have seen a lot of girls. They obviously did a good job leaving this step, but after leaving, they would just stare at the phone all day, wondering why he didn't come to me? As a result, he was originally curious about how you changed sex. After a chat, well, it was the silly girl who couldn't let go, so he was relieved and left without looking back.
So in the "distance period", all you have to do is to temporarily forget him and focus on improving yourself.
You may think that I want you to learn English and calligraphy to learn various skills, but I want to say a heart-wrenching remark. Facing a cheating man, you still want to recover, and even you who have done stupid things about this, you lack skills. , But "爱商(Love Quotient) ". Only when you have a more thorough understanding of the nature of feelings and learn how to love and be loved correctly, can you win in the love game with him.
is like facing a derailed man without a bottom line, you can use someThe law of communication allows him to pick up his bottom line thinking when facing you and respect you again.
expresses specifically: "I still remember that the person I fell in love with at the beginning was very beautiful, sunny, humorous, and responsible (put him in a high position, implying your expectations of him) . But I did not expect that you would To me, I am really disappointed (expressing my disliked attitude) . If that’s all you want to tell me, then stop here, think about it before you come to me (turn passive into active, anti General, give him a reason to contact you). "
But be careful, when you express your attitude, you must not use emotional expressions, such as "Why are you betraying me!" "Do you know? I am in pain?! "The more you expose your care, the more he will feel "boring, are women like this?" "I just have to coax it." Remember, your goal is to make him respect you, then you must establish some "seriousness" on the premise of respecting him.
▶"Fang" word formula: find one's own position, use the "South Wind Law" to wait for the opportunity
believe that everyone should have heard a fable: pedestrians walking on the road wrapped in thick clothes, the sun and the cold wind Who can let him take off his jacket first. The cold wind tried to blow off the clothes, but it made the pedestrians wrap himself more tightly, but after the sun came out for a while, he felt hot and took off his jacket. The story of
corresponds to the famous " South Wind Law (Z3z South Wind Law) " also called " Warm Law " in psychology: when you want to persuade someone, persecution is useless, only let him feel first When your warmth and concern make him feel that you are on the same front with him, he will follow you unknowingly.
Similarly, if you want to save a cheating man, it is impossible to force him to give up his new love. Maybe they will have a "sense of suffering together" because of the obstacles you created. Their original feelings of only 10 points have also become 80 points.
So after taking the initiative to leave and wait, you still need to take the initiative to let go, show your generosity and carelessness. At the moment when he chooses Xinhuan, you should put yourself in the position of a friend, minimize his rejection of you, avoid interference and participation, but occasionally provide some support and positive energy.
You must know that whether he betrays you and loves Xinhuan, or Xinhuan plays with single men who do not sultry, it shows that they are alike, that is, selfishness. Two selfish people join together, and the result is conceivable. If you don't interfere, they will continue to produce various contradictions.
You just have to say a few words when he is unhappy, "I know you have a headache for the company recently, she shouldn't mean it" "Don't be angry, you won't be handsome if you are angry"... Over time, The balance in his heart will naturally be biased towards you. Are you still afraid that he won't look back?
In the end, I would say a few more words, the derailed man is not a monk, but it is easier to recover than a normal breakup. But there has never been a universal formula for redemption, only private customization. Only when you understand what is happening in your relationship can you prescribe the right medicine and succeed in one fell swoop.
At the same time, redemption is not blind, although it is up to you to decide whether it is worthwhile, but at least you have to make sure that you can maintain your independence in your relationship before redeeming. The lover first loves himself, this sentence is simple to say, but it is not simple at all.
psychological test: Test your probability of recombination after breaking up
After breaking up, have you ever thought about how likely two people are to recombine? This set of test questions will help you test the probability of recombination after breaking up. Let's try it together
1. Is there still the contact information of your ex in your phone?
is 5 points
no, all are deleted. 0 points
2. What is the reason for your breakup?
Objective reasons, family disagrees with 1 point
long distance relationship, no future 2 points
TA thinks I have a bad temper, our personality is not suitable 3 points
there is a third party involved in our feelings 0 points
no one wants to bow after we quarrel , I broke up with 5 points
in a rage. I think TA has a bad temper, and always complains, being thrown away by him 6 points
3. The following four statements, if you have to choose the one you most agree with, which one would you choose
If one loves another, you shouldAll of the love TA, no matter its advantages or disadvantages, otherwise it cannot be called true love. At most, it is 2 points
. Although the feeling is yours, it is human, and the other's love can be controlled, as long as it can satisfy the other person If you don’t want to reconcile, I respect your thoughts. 1 point
The emotional world can never be equal. The person who wants to reconcile must not hesitate. 6 points for your own contribution
4. In expressing one thing, you pay more attention to the accuracy of what
speaks. 2 points
the strong impression you feel when speaking to the other party 1 point
whether the people around you feel comfortable 6 points
The ultimate goal that you can achieve if you are out of the way is 4 points
5. You think your basic emotional characteristics
are very emotional, often unable to control your temper. 0 points
have strong self-repression ability, the surface is calm, but the inner emotions are fluctuating, Once a bruise is difficult to heal 2 points
Everything is a cloud, it is not easy to get angry, friends praise a good temper 6 points
feelings are not muddy, more direct, but once unstable, easy to get excited and angry 3 points
6, once saved Ex?
saved it, but was rejected, and did not continue to save 4 points.
No, I don’t know what the other party thinks, I dare not open 2 points. Points
tentatively opened the mouth, but the other party thinks that we are inappropriate, hope I find happiness 6 points
